The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was chaos at my house tonight. Don't even know what happened. My 4 yr old ended up hysterical because he didn't feel like he was being treated fairly in a video game with my daughter and the neighbors boys, my 15 yr old tried to fix it and became angry when he couldn't, and my daughter stirred the pot. As for me, I just did my same ole same ole and got engaed, frustrated and angry. Of course, there was much more to the day. My son is also mad because he has very limited privledges on the weekend due to his lack of interest in school, and of course he thinks it is all my fault. Basically, I am just a nag.
During the chaos, my ah called my daughter. He heard the upset, and I have to say that it was disturbing since it was atypical behavior. He then called during dinner on our home phone, and son answers and says we'll call back. I don't. He calls again, I don't answer. He ended up talking to and having a texting dialogue with my daughter (which she erased -she's on to me). Needless, to say, I am sure all he heard is that I am a mean lunatic (though at this point may not be too far from the truth). So, I am posting here to keep from calling or emailing him. It is too late to make any program phone calls. I'm too embarrassed to type out what I think I would say, but I can assure you it would not be at all positive or serene and have the word "hate" in it. That is how I feel right now.
I do realize it all comes down to me. A lot of pressure, you know, to think that my children's possibility of a sane future relies on me. Aack! I look at my kids and I see the misery we are all, in and I know I should be able to change it, but I just can't. Two years in the program and this is where I am at? I feel incompetent. We are all angry. They are mad about the divorce. As for the g/f situation, my 12 yr old daughter stays silent about it. My youngest innocently tells me way too much and it stings every time. My 15 yr old son is resentful of me for not telling him the truth about his dad's affair when he confronted me about it early on, and I am now the bad guy for being judgemental about "her". The g/f is in their life now and it pisses me off. My son uses it against me and it works well. The kids stayed with thier dad on Fri night and then were dropped off early this morning. It had a sour start when my son said he didn't need me to drive him the 30 min to his sports practice. Didn't take me long to figure out the g/f was going to do it. My guess is my ah probably set it up to help me given I was sick yesterday and had other sports to attend to today, but it upset me and I made darn sure it didn't happen.
I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so far from being healed. I don't even feel close to serenity. I bought a 4th step inventory workbook last week and am going to work on a little bit when I go to bed. I'm nervous....
Okay, I feel a bit better now and can send this off knowing I won't have to deal with the regret I most certainly will have if I contacted him directly. I think the positivity and acceptance he claims to have now almost bugs me more than the negativity. What is that all about??
Thanks for being here. Ahhh....
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 01:25, 2009-03-01
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I can feel a lot of compassion to your post. One thing that it made me think about is the pressure we put on ourselves to be equivalent to the "moving on" of others. I think giving yourself one day at a time to be exactly where you are is okay.
OPening up your "tool" box and posting on here rather than having an exchange with your ex that you'll regret is a great alternative. good for you!
Detachment really does help with this kind of stuff. There are some pointers on this.
Boundaries are also huge. I don't generally answer the phone unless I am expecting a call. I used to be a slave to the telephone. Now I put it in perspective.
I know for me I lived, ate, breathed chaos for years. Getting out of it doesn't happen overnight. Boundaries are tricky, detaching takes practice and stopping beating yourself into a pulp is also an art. You're on the path, its not a race. You'll get there if you keep at it.
Lou, why "should" you be able to change your children's experience? It is THEIR life and they are free to experience it any way they choose to. Don't should on yourself. It only makes you feel like more of a victim.
Lou, why do you think that you should have a perfect life or that your kids should have a perfect life? You and they have been affected by the disease of alcoholism. That means life is slightly more skewed. Every single emotion, including the anger and hate is totally normal and natural in the situation you are in. Why do you think that you should just be over it? How long would you give me to get over all that my ex did to me? Would you give me two years in the program and then tell me that I should be perfect and handle being a single mom better? Would you expect that of me? Knowing what my ex did to me and my kids?
Personally, reading your post, I think you did a bang up job of being a mom. Family is messy and mom's lose it sometimes. ALL moms. Even the ones who have "normal" husbands.
I let go of the idea that my kids are going to be any type of "normal" . And honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I LOVE that they have a depth to them. They have a wisdom that other kids their age don't have. Is that bad? Nope. Different is good in my book. I gave up trying to change reality and started to accept this is the life they have been given and I DO NOT feel sorry for them. I have taught them to be grateful and to have a sense of humor and to empathise with others. Damn good stuff if you ask me.
Set those boundries Lou. Even with your kids!! If you do not want to support your ex's gf's relationship with YOUR kids by ALL mean DON'T. Perfectly acceptable. After all, how long is she going to be around? Given the circumstances they got together under I will hazzard a guess, not long. And the fact is, she had a hand in the ruin of your family. There is no law or proof that it is good for kids to see you accept a woman who set out to hurt you. It's ok to tell the kids that you don't want to hear it and to keep the conversation in the moment.
Best thing we can do is to continue to work on ourselves so that when we decide to move into another relationship, it will be a healthy partnership not someone we use to escape reality and distract us from our own issues.
Remember that just beacuse someone is in AA, even if they go daily, even if they live in the rooms does not qualify them as healthy.
I hear ya and it is hard hard hard but you did ok so put the stick down and count the things you did well - you fed them dinner, you evidently talk to your kids because you know a lot about why they are angry and about their feelings. It is messy and non alch families have these times too. But they have the support of another parent and I am so happy you reached out to your MIP family. HP was there somewhere in the mess too - I can usually see that later when we have chaos as things could have been worse. Or sometimes a new issue is brought to our attention and it is resolved later for much needed improvement.
The last two weeks have made me frazzled as a mom too and last week I was so short fused to deal with any of it also. In a crazy kind of way, I can see the progress that I am talking (ok- sometimes yelling) my frustration or anger but I am no longer stuffing it or trying to make everything ok for everyone else. In the long run, the teens are trying and succeeding more though we have next week to see that the action is positive. I am doing some things for me and not doing everything for the teens. It is a messy transition and this ebbs & flows, easier or harder..... it may take more time than I want also but progress counts.
Also, having the traveling AH I know from experience that it was always nuts as we transitioned to mom in charge back & forth to AH home so it was both parents in charge. The more I am in al anon, the more I can see our differences that have driven our kids crazy too as well as their parents. As your kids go from one home to the other there will be that messy transition to go through every time so learning to detach or expect it will help in the future perhaps. I had a friend who use to say that for every day her child visited her grandma, it took a week to get her back to business at home. (-: It's worse with A involved due to the crazy making and forgetfulness of what was agreed to earlier. Be easy on yourself and our kids will see our example we can hope.
You have alot of great replies so I just wanted to add my experiences from the trenches of having kids who are angry, scared, not doing school work, don't want to attend school, etc etc There is always hope that it will get better and a new day to start again is coming soon. Plus compared to some of those days in the past, when we glance back, this is still better. I am proud of you for reaching out and for staying at it odat until things are better than we can ever imagine right now.
hugs, & blessings, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
((((Lou)))) My heart goes out to you and I can certainly understand your feelings of frustration and being overwelmed. Just remember to take a deep break and remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Things are difficult and we all have moments were we are not the most serene folks around and it's ok-you recognized it for what it was, you came here and posted and handled it well. Take a moment and do something nice for You-bubble bath maybe?
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I know the feeling... I remember when I moved out with the kids I had to become the bad guy. I hated that aspect, I never had to be the bad guy when I was with the A. Now I'm just mean mom but you know what all you can do is try to do the best you can with what you have and know really KNOW in your heart that there are a LARGE number of women who wonder how you do it all on your own and envy your strength (even tho you may not feel it yourself). I try to look at what is important and do the next right thing where the kids are concerned.
