The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was a bit rough to say the least. I turned my phone off for the last week, when I turned it on Thursday, there were 4 VM and 2 texts from my A. All very sweet, each VM a bit more urgent. So I called him back yesterday morning. He was overly sweet, excited to talk to me, couldnt really chat because of work so he asked if he could call me back sometime during the day yesterday. 10pm I get a text saying he is still at work, so I sent him one back saying call me when he leaves. So I then call him and he texts me saying he will call me back in a few. He calls and its weird.
Its awkward and uncomfortable. Lots of pleasantries where he asks how work is, etc. Tells me it was funny I called yesterday because he woke up and missed me yesterday. I asked why it was different yesterday than any other day, and he said because he just thought about how much he loved me and wanted to be near me. I responded, well how was I supposed to know that?
I'll admit I was not very sweet at first. I was cold. Hurt, angry, disappointed, etc. Then the conversation turned mean spirited from his end. He wanted to strike at the jugular. I was telling him all these kind things: "All I ever wanted was to marry you, have a family, live my life with you. I have always respected you, always gave you everything you could possibly want - space, freedom, support, how could you think I didnt respect you? Sounds like you really never respected me - definitely didnt when you broke down my door. But I have ALWAYS respected you and I want you to know that" He managed to somehow twist this statement. All he heard was what he did - he didnt even hear the part about I wanted to share my life with him. And I pointed that out after he said to me "You are never going to change are you? Its always going to be the same." I stood there baffled - "How could you possibly have gotten such bad things out of what I just said? Did you not even hear about the part of wanting to share my life with you? About respecting you?" He admitted that he was tired so he was picking apart my words.
The conversation continued and got progressively worse. The night he attacked me came up - HE BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN - and then blamed me for bringing it up. Told me I still instigated it and I should have just let him sleep after he drank. Why couldnt I just learn to leave him alone when he wants to be left alone. He admitted that he moved out because he was afraid I would kick him out when I returned from my trip that weekend. He said "Do you think I like waking up or going to sleep in a bed without you" I responded "You chose that!!" And he said "No I didnt, you told me you didnt even think you could be around me when you got back, what else was I supposed to do?" When I said that I just needed to figure things out, and he couldnt just let me do that on my own terms, he asked "have you"? I said yes I have been sorting things out, and yes I have started to get over it and am less scared. Then pushes me and asks "do you even miss me?" I never answered.
I continually told him, I love him so incredibly much. Always have. He told me that his head and his heart are not in the same place and he needs to make it that way again. I said, well there really isnt a chance here then - and he got defensive and yelled at me telling me that he is working on it. He tells me he hasnt drank anything since he said he wouldnt. I dont know if I believe it. I do think he has a blood sugar problem in addition to drinking and he gets rediculously moody when he doesnt eat all day and then eats something. I have seen it happen too many times.
He told me he HATES the dog, kill the dog, doesnt even care about the dog. The dog is his baby. He loves her to death. She annoys him sometimes, but he absolutely adores her. He took a picture of the two of them, and didnt take a picture of us when he left the house. Thats how much he loves her.
He pushed me out of his life to focus on work and to hurt me. What is it he expects from me? I loved him more than he could possibly imagine and he walked out on me!! We ended the conversation so frustrated and I dont even know why it got to that point. I tried to keep it nice, not overly affectionate, but just pleasant, and once again it got nasty.
Now of course, my day today is ruined. I have no self-esteem right now. Everything I do is completely wrong in his mind. I was/am a GREAT girlfriend. He moved out, demanded space - got space for the last week when I didnt even pick up the phone to call him back - and I'm wrong???!!!
I know this is not my fault. I'm trying to keep the focus on me. I am trying to survive and move forward. Why the hell is he so freaking ANGRY at me???? And how do I keep myself from being so negatively affected by that?
Take a deep breath and then give yourself a break. He is an active A. They are crazy, insane and unpredictable. They do not know what is up and what is down from one minute to the next. There is no point in trying to have a deep, introspective conversation with an active A--they can't do it. And, it doesn't matter if you think that the A is "sober." At a certain point, they are never sober, whether they have had the first drink of the day or not. They are either physically drunk or emotionally drunk...and sometimes, it is hard to tell which is worse.
Regardless, the A is controlled by the disease. They can be seem to be loving and caring UNTIL the disease senses that you might be a threat....that you might be trying to interfere with the drinking....that's when the other side comes roaring back to life. The ugly, manipulative, mean and cruel side.
I usually don't share in generalities, but I experienced this with my AH and I have been in recovery long enough that I believe that it is a univeral experience.
So, what can you do? Be gentle with yourself. It is so hard to not get sucked back in when they are in that "I luv you" mode. It doesn't matter what he thinks about what you do--he is CRAZY. You have to do what you think is right for YOU. If you care comfortable with your actions, then let it go. If you are not comfortable with your actions, then take steps to change your behavior. But, don't let yourself be manipulatated by a sick person. I know that that is easier said than done, but start off with baby steps. And give yourself credit. I am SO impressed that you turned your phone off for a week. I was NEVER able to do that. My AH has been sober almost 4 years and it is just in this last year that I have left the house only to realize later that I left the phone behind. To me, that is HUGE progress, for ME.
Take it a day at a time. Is there a meeting you can hit today? Is there some self-care you have been putting off? Make today about you!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
-- Edited by SLS at 10:00, 2009-02-28
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
the ex A who I was with leaves lots of voice messages. I don't listen to them anymore, I delete them unheard. I also don't read the text messages. The dance is very very similar. He would want to draw me in.
There is a cycle of behavior called the Karpman's triangle which involves being a victim, rescuer and then persecutor. For many many As that is the way they live feeing like a victim, asking for rescue then feeling persecuted. For me I have to absolutely stay out of that triangle anyway I can. If I'm in there I can get lost for years in interacting with people like that.
Get with the tools of the program, detach, get busy (very very very busy) get focused on your issues. Keep the focus off him and his chaos at all costs.
Most of all keep coming here, get connected at meetings. Start coming back from being a victim (its a long haul for some of us). I know being here has totally saved me from being with the A. If I were on my own I'd be right where you are, interacting being swamped making him the center of my life.
You guys are amazing. Thank you - I find strength in everything you say. I finally talked to his mom today. I told her he needs help - and I cant help him. I love him, but he just needs to get help himself. I was so irritated after talking to him, but then realized he put me right back where he wanted me. Angry, frustrated and upset because thats where he is mentally. I dont want to be there and I wont let it.
Being tough and strong is a challenge at times. I do just want to run to him and hug him and feel loved again. But not like this. And I wont do it to myself.
'Angry, frustrated and upset'...............those words ring so true with my AH. I can go for days avoiding his calls, texts, and emails and then when I see him to talk about things we need to sort out, I get sucked back in so fast to the craziness it is scary. He always brings up the past and what I did that caused our separation - HE can't live with my mental and emotional abuse - DUH. Yes I told him I wanted a husband to be home with me at night and not come home late or not at all for days at a time! Wow - what an unreasonable expectatation in a marriage. I start getting defensive and as I said, back to not saying a kind word. That then becomes further evidence to him of my 'meaness'. I can go for weeks being nice, but then it builds up and I explode and tell him how HE is throwing everything away without recognizing the part that alcohol plays in our marriage. Yes a merry go round with a few stops, but the same passenger keeps getting on - ME
I just want to validate the craziness of which you speak. The way every interaction can be turned into your reaction, your behavior, your problem, all expressed with such ANGER..... it is so familiar it gives me flashbacks!
My ex-ah has been chemically sober for almost a year and a half. He has been immersed in many programs, which include AA 5-7 days a week, in addition to relapse prevention, group and personal therapy. That said, it seems he is just now stopping the "I am a victim - it is always someone elses fault" mentality. I say "seem" because I limit my communication with him, trying to stick to only what is relevant with the kids. Sometimes I think he is just faking his new positive program-filled attitude, trying to convince himself. And, what is wierd, is that it is very uncomfortable to me because I am so used to the negativity. So, stopping the chemicals isn't the answer if their brain is still in the same place, I have firsthand experience with that.
I truly believe that for you, the only way to stop getting so negatively affected is to detach, both physically and mentally, and to get as much Al-Anon and perhaps personal counseling as you can squeeze into your life.
Hang in there.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(((Cyn)))) Several months ago, I could have written your post. I was in the exact same spot-wondering why it is that their actions and words never seem to go together and a million other questions. From my experience the BEST thing that I did was put all my focus on me, and REALLY work on building a relationship with my HP. I feel better everyday now and my self esteem is there. My exABF asked me out to dinner this month.....the first since HE walked out on me in November. I have mixed emotions about it now and can really relate to what you wrote about the heart and head not being in the same place. Just take care of you Cyn, focus on you, pamper you. Keep posting, ready and going to meetings. Keep it simple and remember EASY DOES IT:)
your friend in recovery shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
