The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in a complicated situation. Based on some actions I took before I joined Al-Anon and learned I was powerless. I am since trying my best to let go.
Heres what went on.
My husband has an alcohol problem that he is working on. But until he started working on it, things were bad. Every other month he would get so drunk he passed out, things like that. He got loud and almost violent twice - the 2nd time it happened (2 years after the first time) I got down on him hard, writing out a letter to him detailing how I would get the law involved if he ever did anything like that again, how I promise I would leave him if he doesn't get help, and how I have a copy of the letter as proof to get a quick divorce. He smartened up after that and started getting help about the drinking, and I joined al-anon.
I was shaken by the whole experience - this last time was so very bad in terms of the way his personality changed. What I did then is something I am kind of regretting. I reached out to his colleague, a man who is an all-out alcoholic, wife divorced him because of it, lost his house, and is now a bitter lonely old man who goes to bars alone and gets piss drunk almost daily. I started by reaching out because I noticed that hubby and him got drunk together and even had a joking attitude towards getting so drunk and I wanted this man to stay away. We got to talking and I told him much of the details (leaving out the worst) but basically we agreed that as a friend he could try and help him and at least share how his life fell apart by drinking. We spoke via email for a few weeks then it petered off. Hubby was mostly okay and getting help but still had an attitude towards drinking that I didn't like. One day in the fall, months after the last big incident, hubby went for drinks and didn't come back until well in the morning and I knew from past experiences he had probably passed out somewhere - sure enough, he passed out on the bus on the way home. When I asked who he was with, he said he was with that drunken colleague. So I sent that colleague another email asking him to please if possible share his story with hubby re: a reminder of how drinking can make things fall apart. I got no reply. I regretted contacting him then because I remembered that I am powerless in this situation.
Hubby has been getting better - genuinely trying to express feelings rather than repress them and let them spew out when drunk - and taking control of the drinking and getting help. No incidents since and a better attitude towards drinking since the fall incident of passing out on the way home.
Where all of the above has come back to bite me on the behind is this: hubby applied for a job a few months back. He then learned from another colleague (let's call him M) that drunken colleague (a higher up) was touting another person for hubby's job in spite of their close friendship. Hubby then shared with me that for the past few months, drunken colleague was very distant. Hubby did not end up getting the job and M is now telling him to keep it professional with drunken colleague and not share any personal details. I am starting to fear that drunken colleague has shared my info with others at work. I am afraid if that stood in the way of hubby's promotion. Most of all I am afraid that hubby will find out I approached his drunken colleague and that it will tear down the trust and good work he has built up. I dont regret it fully - I was desperate and reached out to the person who was closest to my hubby at the time - but I do in the fact that this was a colleague of his that I shared things with during a moment of desperation.
I am now worried that hubby will find out of my actions from a third party/M and am wondering if I should just come clean to him first and get that out of the way instead of harbouring it as a secret but am afraid that if I do, our relationship will crumble again.
Lucie, You have come to the right place. We in al-anon have learned the three C's. We can't control the alcoholism, can't change the situation and cetainly can't cure it. I know many times I tried different methods to try to get my alcohlic to quit drinking. Following him to his buddies houses was one of them, it never did seem to accomplish a thing.
What has helped is working this program and focusing on me and not the alcohlic. Working to improve my own life with self-care techniques that might show the alcoholic that there is another way of life, and maybe it won't. But I learned long ago that trying to force solutions only lead to me getting frustrated with the alcoholic and usually didn't work anyway.
Keep working your program and if you don't have one, I'd suggest getting a sponsor, she can help you sort through some of this. Keep posting on the board and listen to the shared experience, strength and hope that you will get from it.
As far as coming clean about your secret, only you know what to do about that. If you feel you need to make amends to your husband about this secret. Step 9 is a good place to start "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I would ask myself if this was a case that would injure "them or others", if not then come clean.
I dunno it all seems a bit too "if" for me. Who knows why anyone doesn't get a job. I know I can get paranoid. I recently applied for a class, got told I got in then after a while the administrator turned around and said oh no you are not. In my paranoia I can presume that people who I have talked to in confidence said something about me. The reality is I don't know.
I know when I was around the ex A I was way over responsible for him I was always trying to soften the path. The truth is that I didn't soften it, I just delayed the inevitable.
Of course we al have to be better about our boundaries. I do better with them every day. I'm long gone from presuming anything but anything I did affected the A's career, health or any of those things.
I am really clueless as to why you think a drunk would even are about another person's problems. I assure you, all the drunken colleague was thinking about when u said 'could u talk to my AH as he drinks too much' is 'oh great another drinking buddy'.
Who knos if your AH will find out what you did, meddling in his affairs. Maybe drunken colleague told others, maybe he didn't. If you asked him directly, he may not even tell you the truth. I can tell you that A's (addicts & alcoholics) are Master Manipulators and set up those around them to be enablers for them. When they are active getting the substance of choice is all that is on their minds. If you ask them questions about what they are doing, they just think ur attacking them.
I would implore you to get to a face to face, get contacts & pamphlets & study them. Learn how to stop enabling & trying to fix his life and focus on you and living yours. You are all u can change or control, so detach in love.
We also have a 24/7 chat room & two daily meetings in there. Good luck to you & welcome to al-anon & MIP.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You did what you did because you thought you might do it at that time. Sounds like you're second guessing yourself now and feeling fearful about what you did and others including your alcoholic finding out and judging you for it. You're judging yourself for it now. What you did was you're reaction then. Had you been in the program then you might have done something different. Had you had more support and help then you might have done something different. "Shouldas, couldas, wouldas, are the past. Al-Anon suggests that we learn to live in the moment and if we do that well our future is more hopeful.
If you're feeling fearful try using faith instead that what you did then may still have the positive effect you were looking for.
If you're feeling guilty about it, try using acceptance of the fact of the disease in your life and forgiveness with the sense that you did the best you could with what you had at that time.
There are many solutions and alternatives to what you are feeling about it now and you have to keep coming back to hear them from others and then take the time to consider if that is what you want to do for yourself and the consequences you want.
Let go and Let God and Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
While it's true that a fellow alcoholic can share experiences that a non-alcoholic would not comprehend, it really helps a lot of that fellow alcoholic is sober. AA's founders discovered that they had to give it away to keep it- that working with others was the key to maintaining their own sobriety. My sponsor used to say, "Call me - it helps me more than it helps you". For some reason I believed him. He told me to find people who had what I wanted, talk to them, learn from them.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). What's done is done and there is nothing you can do about the past. There is no point second guessing why he did not get the job. It will not change anything. Move on from it as best you can.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if your husband seeks recovery or not. The dynamics of a sober marriage vs. an active one are very different. Your recovery is about living strong. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is to work your program. Take the focus off of him. Learn to detach with love and turn him over to his HP. You will be better and stronger for it. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
). What's done is done and there is nothing you can do about the past. There is no point second guessing why he did not get the job. It will not change anything. Move on from it as best you can.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if your husband seeks recovery or not. The dynamics of a sober marriage vs. an active one are very different. Your recovery is about living strong. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is to work your program. Take the focus off of him. Learn to detach with love and turn him over to his HP. You will be better and stronger for it. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.