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I have been working and reworking step 2 and 3 for a while now.
Today, during a deliberate consultation with my HP I started thinking about how capable I have been in having an imaginary relationship with my aH and how easy it was (is) for me to create something that isn't. It can be good. It can be bad.
I have this ability to make a situation either the end of the world, if I want to, using just my imagination and "beliefs" and my own negative perspectives, or if I put my blinders on (and use my imagination) I can make a situation seem wonderful, despite the reality that it is not.
I am perfectly capable of having this sort of ingenuine/imaginary relationship with my aH, based on my own mood, perspective, attitude. I posted earlier of creating drama, when things are serene and quiet, and I got the impression that this is not uncommon for us CoD's.
This is something that I am working on. It is my desire to have a genuine relationship with my aH, based on reality...not creating something that isn't...and not ignoring something that is. So, in thinking about this, I came to this question...
If I am working on not having this imaginary relationship with my aH, but having a relationship with him that is the truth, that is real, having the relationship that IS, not necessarily what I wish was, or what I might believe to be...
how then do I commit to a relationship with my HP, that is based on imagination, based on belief, based on something that is in my mind???
I thought it was all sounding great and it had been working, until my meditation of sorts today, and it hit me, how do I give it all up in my relationship with aH, and then do all that I am giving up with my relationship with HP. Afterall, HP is in our minds. HP is our imagination. Is our beliefs.
I know there is an answer in this somewhere and I just need some help deciphering...
I reach the awareness that my mind was so limited especially while I was ensnared in alcoholism. I arrived at "I have never had a genuine or imaginative thought that would ever free me from the problem no matter how hard I wished.
What made my process easier was the oldtimers summarizing the first three steps into shorthanded thinking. They told me that the first three steps read, "I can't, God can, I'll let Him." So I restarted using that abbreviation of the first three steps. In that process I was also given a slogan I have rarely heard repeated since I started in the Family Groups, "Surrender" is that slogan and what it mean't then still means the same thing for me today, "Stop fighting the problem and lay down your weapons". All of my weapons kept me from getting what I desired from the steps at that time. When I surrendered even the problems I was having with understanding God as I understood God then and trusted that one day I would arrive at the understanding we (God and I) needed it would happen. It did of course happen in ways beyond my thoughts and imagination and I have arrived at the belief and understanding from the mutual experience between us (God and I) that God is real, for me; truely exists with me; Loves and supports, communicates and has a will for me; tasks and outcomes. I also believe that God knows that God must at times remind me that God exists and therefore apart of our relationship is the beauty and inspiration of those reminders. For me God can and will and has made me aware that God is my father as God is the father of everything inspiring and peaceful and serene. God has told me that God is the father of my fathers, mother, brothers, sisters and so for me you and I have he same father...for me. I hold my God genderless out of humility for letting God teach me rather than I try to be left to my own mind and imagination and will. That seems to be okay with the God of my understanding as I have seen the character and behavior of the God of my understanding in the unconditional love of women and children and nature. It was the women of Al-Anon after all who raised me early on and loved me unconditionally and then gave me the definition of love I have today. I was reminded of an old lesson, "God is love" and I could also then say God is a woman in Al-Anon who has suffered much at the hands of alcoholism and recovered herself and then reached out to me to show me how to do the same and then also show others.
As I grew in understanding about who my HP was for me I also needed to understand the importance of "MY PART" in the relationship. I understand today that God always does, "God's Part". I don't have to check up and supervise my HP. When I was working on the character of "MY PART" the word surrender was taken away from me and all opportunities of picking up my weapons from the past and employing my power and control and manipulations. The word surrender was replaced by Abandon. It is the first word in the prayer I remember and repeat often in my mind, body, spirit and emotions.
"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you...until then." God in the form of a recovering Alcoholic gave that to me so that I could get past mere surrender and move on in the relationship.
You are on you way and like others here who have joined the journey of the spirit (that is what our family groups have been called) as long as you keep moving forward and reaching out for more, you will grow.
Funny how these things present themselves. It has to be my HP. I called an Alanon friend about my AHsober who moved out almost 4 years ago. She pointed out that I was carrying this relationship with my AHsober that is not what my AHSober is carrying for me. He doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married. I still love him and hang on to that imaginary relationship that use to be. All it causes me is to get hurt when I see him. Yea our HP's are out there and I guess they can be imaginary. I feel a sense of peace when the answers come to me and I know that they came from HP. Takes alot of work I guess.
I understand your question and can identify. I too pondered Steps 2 and 3 and did not know how I would know HPs will and mine. My sponser indicated that Step 2 only asks that I believe HP could restore me to sanity. I believed that. Step 3 only asks that I make a decision to turn my will and life over. I made that decision when I entered alanon and decided to work the steps.
She ididcated that the remaining steps would enable me to actually Turn my Will over in Step 11.
When I first arrived at the doors of al alanon, I had tried everything from Religion, Pshy , Reading self help books etc. Nothing changed the pain and anxiety I felt inside.
When I read the 12 Steps and saw that I was promised a Spiritual Awakening as a result of these steps, I decided that I would stay and work these steps for the changes I needed.
I knew I was Spriitually Dead so that these Steps could be the answer to all my problems.
My Sponser suggested daily gratitude list (even though I did not feel grateful), saying the serenity prayer in times of anxiety or fear- even though I did not feel a presence of HP and then slowly we began to work the steps.
I cannot say when it happened but somewhere in that time I did have a very slow spiritual awakening.
I began to feel grateful, began to sense that my fears were being lifted and started to trust that small still voice within. In order for me to maintain this small spiritual awakening, I need to keep coming back and practicing all these steps especially 10-11 and 12 daily.
