The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Please free my thinking of self will, self seeking, dishonesty and wrong motives".
That is a part of a prayer I pray every morning, usually before my feet hit the floor. Yesterday was no different, of course with some limited contact from the EXABF on Tuesday, again my world was feeling a bit "off balance".
I fell back into an old habit of checking his MYSPACE page and of course that led me to a full blown case of the "codependant crazies" which led me to a new female "friend" he had added, which led me to her page, which led me to her posted comment of "I'm so looking forward to this time tomorrow night", which led me to her mood"flirty", which led me to the ONLY possible conclusion(in my co dependant, obsessing mind).......that since he was off on Friday, he and this new female friend had a date-RFLMAO!!!! That of course made me want to find a way to contact EXABF and "trick" him into telling me if he was still going to his Thursday night meetings and if so-would he be there tomorrow??? I had it ALL worked out-lol.
After ten breathless minutes of feeling like none other than the Tazmanian Devil, I stopped to THINK......What if he said no he wasn't going to the meeting? I would be crushed. If he said yes-I would be oh so happy(though why who knows-lol), then I remembered what we do NOT know can NOT hurt us, and to be honest I have had enough pain from all of this. I emailed my sponsor for some ESH to combine with my HP's will for me, and knew that I needed to just let it go....and TRUST that whatever EXABF was doing, I was right where I needed to be. Slowly I began to regroup....still a little fuzzy today but not even CLOSE to what I was yesterday.
I posted this because later that day, before I calmed down, but after I had talked to my sponsor I went and checked the new female friend's page AGAIN, only to realize that she had originally posted that comment on Tuesday-LOL!!! The whole entire basis for my insanity was never even close to be founded to begin with and I just took something and RAN with it, COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL, for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.....now that is insanity at it's finest.
However I am proud to say, I was able to reason some things out in my own head prior emailing my sponsor and that felt good.. I realized that I do have control of ME, and my HP was RIGHT THERE AGAIN BY MY SIDE, and it was HIS VOICE I heard when I remembered that prayer........free my thinking of self will, self seeking, dishonesty and wrong motives......HE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH.....
thanks for letting me share shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I know you could do it... Isn't it funny how our minds play tricks on us and draw us to the "Worst" case senario WAY Before we can see the "Good" case... It is easy to assume "what you Think You Know"... I do the same thing! I am slowly "Letting Go & Letting God", and it has sooooo Calmed the "Craziness" in my life...
Your doing it Girl... Keep Up the New Life..... Love & Prayers... Jozie
yep, its amazing what our sick selves are capable of. I have so many stories like yours that it is truly mind-boggling. Its like kidnapping your self and its definitely self-sabotage. It hurts US so much to do this and it is progressive and gets worse as we live longer and longer with the disease- its cumulative. It hurts all the people around us and prevents us from leading a happy productive simple life of happiness, joyousness and freedom.
Its so great that you could see it. That you could just STOP for a few minutes and pause and just take a little look at yourself and examine your actions, thoughts and behavior. That is our program in motion. Its great to feel the results and to feel clean about really knowing yourself and being honest with yourself.
Thanks for your post, it reminded me of some stuff I needed to be reminded of today. Hugs, J.
Such a tangled web we weave.... I only had to read your thought process once to totally "get" what you are talking about. Yep, crazy. I am very impressed with how quick you figured it out. I now operate under the "seek and you shall find" and "don't ask don't tell (what I am thinking) " philosophies. The truth is, that discovering what I "think" is truly happening only reinforces the pain, and finding the opposite, which is what I think I "want", only puts me in a place of doubt which continues the cycle of obsession. I used to be proud of my sleuthing skills, now I see them as a curse. Ultimately no good can come of it.
Great example of using all the tools you have available to get through it all; the greatest being hanging on to HP. Great way to start the day. Thanks.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:44, 2009-02-26
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:52, 2009-02-26
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I haven't posted here in a while, but read everyday. I can soooooooo relate. This is where I am at. I can't stop the crazy obsessing going on in my head. My Ex/ABF and I are not together. But still keep in touch. Come here/Go away, I very familar with that. Am trying to find a way to stop the obsessing, sometimes I think it will never get better. "One day at a Time" . If I could only get him out of my head!!!! I find this board helps alot, because I know that I am not alone. There is so much to my story, that I don't think anybody would believe all the #$%^, I have gone through. And am realizing the part I played. Sometimes denying my "gut feeling" doubting my on feelings, my own sanity! Realizing that I need to go to Alanon, but haven't made it to enough meetings. But you guys do help when I think I'm going crazy. Thanks to you all!!!!
wow! Glad to know that I am not the only one who has done this. I go out of my way to find out "info" then when i dont like what i find, i am the one left hurt, miserable and confused. Thanks so much for this thread, it has really opened up my eyes
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
You know the only way I found around that was to not go there. I made a huge point of not knowing what the A was doing. i stopped talking to his friends (they never were my friends) I stopped talking to his family. I stopped wondering.
That helped. One year out I don't know where he lives, what he is doing, what he is thinking. That helped.
Detaching is such an art. I had to constantly redirect my focus back to me.
The ex A called when he wanted to (needless to say when he is out of money) I don't answer. I don't ask anyone else how he is. I made a point of letting go.
None of it came naturally none of it felt good. Eventually the obsessing stopped. Grief is still there but I no longer even wonder if it could have worked.
Do whatever you can to get the book Getting them Sober!
OMG!!! It's increbible that us, just like the As, have the same stories. I STILL investigate every thing I can. It gives me some sort of sick pleasure. I think it's gonna be the hardest, cause I stll see him, we have a daughter, we share. But I look forward to the day where I no longer play PI jeje
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I spent almost 20 years working Security and Corrections so the urge to snope was a given......I USED to get paid for being nosey, it WAS a JOB REQUIREMENT!!!LOL........talk about a rude awakening for me when I tried to stop......but it can be done with LOTS of practice!!
keep it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
-lol. 
, I stopped to THINK
......What if he said no he wasn't going to the meeting? I would be crushed. If he said yes-I would be oh so happy(though why who knows-lol), then I remembered what we do NOT know can NOT hurt us, and to be honest I have had enough pain from all of this. I emailed my sponsor for some ESH to combine with my HP's will for me, and knew that I needed to just let it go....and TRUST that whatever EXABF was doing, I was right where I needed to be. Slowly I began to regroup....still a little fuzzy today but not even CLOSE to what I was yesterday.
-LOL!!! The whole entire basis for my insanity was never even close to be founded to begin with and I just took something and RAN with it, COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL, for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.....now that is insanity at it's finest.
Ultimately no good can come of it. 
