The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
see my last thread to understand this. i haven't the strength to repeat it. he made contact and we spoke to each other with respect and then... i lost it. last thursday night i told him on email how i felt, how lost i was. his reply was to tell me that this was all about 'him getting better'. he instigated no contact since last friday morning and right now i want to mail him and tell him that if he makes no contact, i will start divorce proceedings.
I couldn't find your earlier thread but I will tell you my experience. The alcoholic has a disease that makes itself known in his/her addiction to alcohol. We the family have a disease that makes itself known in our need to control. It is our addiction. A close study of the 12 steps shows me that my recovery is between me and my Higher Power. The alcoholic's recovery is between him/her and their Higher Power. We have to be willing to turn that over. This program taught me that I can be happy no matter what the alcoholic does or does not do. It taught me to focus on myself, one day at a time. My Higher Power helped me sort out my distorted thinking and believe me it was distorted! Perhaps a meeting or some Al-Anon reading material when you are feeling desperate would help. Decisions made with a calm, clear mind are usually the best.
i get all that but it's 8 minutes past 11 at night. i'm no where near a meeting or literature. i have a keyboard and his email address at my fingertips.
tabi-- 1. If ever one finds themself in pain so dire they cannot function, it is their responsibilty to handle the situation. That may involve going to a friends to stay the night; checking oneself into a hospital; etc. Lashing out at individuals on the message board for not responding immediately does not recovery make. 2. It is understandable that feelings of abondonment, rejection, fear and hopelessness exist. It is entirely reasonable to be angry, distraught, or any other intense emotion. However, involving oneself deeper in an already toxic situation, rather than dealing with what can be changed now only prolongs the pain (speaking from experience here). In situations of intense emotional distress, it may be prudent to find ways to occupy oneself with things outside the current situations (this is how I got involved in tutoring learning disabled children--it distanced me from the dysfunction with my alcholic). 3. No one is responsible for saving me, rescuing me, or redeemning me. I am responsible for these things. I can use people who have a strong program to ASSIST me; I can use literature to ASSIST me; if I'm not working the steps and working the program, however, no ASSISTANCE can do ANYTHING.
I read your other posts and understand the entire story. I hear how vunerable and lost you feel. I do not hear self pity in your post but I do sense that because you are feeling abandoned you want to strike out and email him about a divorce.
Al Anon suggests that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months of program.. This is a wise suggestion, since when we first arrive we are in crisis and tend to react to a situation inappropriately.
We have a slogan that states "Say what you mean, Mean what you say, BUT do not say it mean"
Take deep breaths, reread the postings on the board, say the serenity prayer, stay in this day only
Do NOT Project to the future or Look into the Past. Take care of you and your family right now as best you can.
Pray for guidance and THEN when you feel you have found the answer that is right for you contact your significant other and talk.
Hello Tabi , I don't see your last post either sorry bout that . It's all about him !!!! this is a selfish disease as your finding out and it is always about them , your never going to figure him out so please quit trying , when we depend on one person to make us happy were in deep do doo , if u arent already start attending Al-Anon f2f u need support from people who understand where your at and how u feel . He clearly at the moment is not interested . Making the statement this is all about him to the people they suposedly love and care for is insane , recovering alcoholics call this disease cunning baffling and powerful 3 words i have a great deal of respect for today. Get your life back our prog will show u how to do that so that with or with out him you will be okay . Divorce is not the answer either , you take your head with you , recover and make an informed decission not one based on emotion . Your life has been affected by someone elses disease and u too need to recover or trust me YOU will do this again . good luck Louise Tabi if u check this again before our on line meeting please come into chat room , the link is at the top of this page meeting is at 9pm eastern time - 6 pm pacific you will meet people who have been where yor at and will share thier own experiecnces with you it may help you to find a solution .
Based on my experience, I would suggest the following:
(1) Step away from the computer and take a deep breath. You do not have to make any decisions right this very minute. I know that it feels like the world will end if you don't just DO something, but it won't!! Nothing is going to change if you take some time to decide if and how you want to act instead of just re-acting out of fear and pain.
When I came to Al-Anon, I was told not to make any major decisions for the first 6 months to a year. I didn't really understand why until much later, but there really is a reason for that saying. So, I used the slogan "One Day at a Time" after my AH and I separated. I actually used "One Hour at a Time" and "One Minute at a Time" to keep from calling him or emailing him or checking up on him. If I could just make it through until 12M, it was a new day and I could start fresh.
Each day it got easier and easier to make it through the day. I would wake up and say to myself that "Just for Today" I was married (whatever that meant) and that I would let go of all the doubts for the day. I could always decide differently the next day.
I finally realized that the reason behind not taking action right away was that I needed to wait until I could evaluate my situation with my head, and in consulation with my HP, and not just with my heart and my emotions. During my entire marriage to the active A, I had reacted to him--his words, his emotional manipulation, his threats of leaving if he didn't get his way.... In recovery, I had to learn how to act based on my needs and on reality instead of the lies created by living in denial.
(2) HALT. You need to focus on you and self-care. Don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. You won't make good decisions if you don't take care of yourself. Believe me, the A is not losing sleep over any of this, the way that we do.
(3) No one in Al-Anon will tell you what you should do. But, if you stick around and listen and learn from others--about how they have dealt with similar issues, you will find the path that is right for you. You will find guidance with the help of your HP (whatever that might be) and hopefully, from a Sponsor who will help you work through the steps. But, it takes time. I didn't get to my bottom overnight. It took 5 years of marriage to the A. Recovery takes time. But there is hope and it works if you work it.
(4) When you can, go to a F2F meeting. You will find others there who have been where you are and who will understand what you are feeling, even though they do not know your name. You may be able to find that online, but I really don't think it can replace the experience of a F2F meeting.
I hope that you keep coming back.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I know that you can't get to a meeting this late at night, but you can go to the board and read a few shares about Detachment, they may get you thru for now till you can get a better handle on yourself, and start focusing on yourself in stead of your A..
If his recovery is all about him then yours should be all about you... "Take it One Day A Time"... Its possible that if you were to "Let Go & Let God" You would find, that you are not the one with the sickness...He is... Let him own that...
Do what you have to do, to keep yourself (YOU).. And if your not sure who you are...Welp...Now that he is not there you have plenty of time to give to yourself, instead of always worring about him... How much sleep does he Loose Thinking of you?... Ask yourself that question! I think you know the answer...
Take what you like and leave the rest... Friends in Recovery Jozie.
((((Tab)))) I can't find your last thread but I can feel your pain in this one, and believe it or not I was in your shoes not 3 mths ago. My exABF broke up with me, then we started talking again and then he pushed me to no contact altogether. I thought my life was done, no one but EXABF could make me happy-or so I thought. And HOW DARE HE work on HIM, and put HIM first???? So many unanswered questions that I felt he had a right to answer...... Today I still dont have the answers I want, and probally never will. But I have found a peace in not knowing and you can too. Please just focus on you and take care of yourself right now.
You matter and are loved and you can get through this!!!!....keep coming back, work the program, post and get to some f2f meetings....The pain you are feeling now will subside. Just feel it, and cry and do what you need to and you will get through it.....
keep the faith
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I just wanted to give you a cyberhug. Take a deep breath, and put off doing anything for 60 seconds. Take another deep breath; another 60 seconds. Repeat as necessary. I can hear your pain and just wanted to say you' re in my prayers.
Abandonment is a tough one. Why don't you call a crisis line and keep calling different crisis lines till you get people who can empathise with you. You are in a crisis after all.
You can also go to the chat room here. I understand the feeling of desperation deeply. We all do. The chat room would be somewhere you can get people to talk with for a while and get to a space of feeling heard. If for some reason you can't access the software for a chat room call a crisis line. That's what they are there for. Suciide prevention is in every town. If the one in your town is busy call the next one.
You can get through this night. You can get through the next few days. Then you will have a different perspective. There are lots of chat rooms on line where people deal with painful issues. There are lots and lots of online chat al anon meetings if you google them sign up for lots of them. Go to the meetings here twice a day. Treat yourself kindly. Don't take it all so personally. Members signing off has nothing to do with you. They aren't rejecting you. This board isn't necessarily set up for "crisis' but the chat room is, meetings are. You will have to immerse yourself in a program for a while. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as though you have a bad flu. Be kind, try to rest. Try to be gentle. Try not to obsess about him. Distract yourself as best you can.
I am sitting here doing the same thing you are. My A left me last Monday. Left a letter, notes all over the house and flowers and told me he wasnt leaving US, but leaving the situation. Since then, we have talked twice. One time I tried to call this weekend, and he refused to call back. I then got a text message Monday morning telling me he would call me that night. I turned my phone off. I realized I didnt need to do this to myself. He keeps saying he needs space from the situation, from me, from our relationship so he can focus on work and learn to love me again. I stopped waiting for him to call or contact me in some way. I am trying to protect myself the best I know how. I know that knowing he hasnt called back, or contacted me in other ways destroys me, so I stopped giving him ways to do so. I have since been able to do work, go to class, take care of the dog, do some laundry, etc. Without shutting that phone off, I wasnt functioning.
It may be setting up roadblocks from communicating, but it gives me a way to focus on ME again. I am taking it one minute, one hour, one day at a time - and its slowly starting to work. I will be ok - you will be ok.
If you need anything - let me know. I would be happy to listen.
firstly i want to apologise for my behaviour last night. i have been holding it together and working really hard on detaching but last night the anger took a hold.
your posts all make me see a spark of clarity and i guess i wanted to see that last night. what i should have done was read some of stickies.
i didn't email him and the lesson about not making major decisions for the first six months is certainly wise words.
i think i have to work on stepping away from the computer. the need i feel to check if he has mailed me can be overwhelming and i fully understand it is seriously unhealthy.
i'm functioning on most levels, going to work, being the person they expect me to be. but it's so draining. it gets to about 6pm and i feel exhausted. i can't eat if i'm stressed so my intake is low and although i get to sleep, i'm waking early and then i'm thinking again.
all of your posts have lowered me from the heightened anxiety i seem to permanently have now. i still feel anxious but to a lesser degree. thank you so very much.
i didn't attend a meeting last tuesday and i'm only too aware that it was partly through fear. sounds crazy when obviously it's the one thing i need the most. i will go next tuesday.
cyn your words i will read many times. i have seen your other posts and wanted to answer but was afraid. i feel a peace coming from you and i want that too. our situations seem very similar and that helps too. my sister pointed out that if my husband was from the uk he wouldn't have disappeared half way round the world, just to another town. it seems so huge that he has but i guess she is right.
tabi1 wrote: i didn't attend a meeting last tuesday and i'm only too aware that it was partly through fear. sounds crazy when obviously it's the one thing i need the most. i will go next tuesday.
Well done ((((tabi))))....today is a new day.
I was fearful of attending my first f2f...(now been to 3)
It's daunting opening the door to a roomful of strangers...except they're really not strangers....they know why you have opened that door, they know what this disease does to us all. I was met with smiles and warm handshakes on arrival, and hugs on departure...can't be bad eh!! I listened, I shared and in those 2 hours I learned a lot...I'll keeping going back because it works for me....I need the ES&H
Don't be afraid, take care of YOU...you deserve it.
I just wanted to say that the words here have been very valuable to me too. My AH is abroad, having phoned from there to tell me our marriage was over. He is still not back in the UK, its 5 weeks now. I have changed my mobile no, i dont wait for a call on the home number, i know he wont ring. Ive got a message to him that I dont want him at the house, im taking his car to his sisters some way away tomorrow and Ive filtered his emails so they are forwarded straight back to him (i was told to expect one) so it will just go back and then be deleted without ever going into my inbox. I dont want to talk to him, see him and I have already set out my wishes in terms of a separation agreement. He has left me many times before during our six year marriage and i have to look after myself so the less communication at this time, the better. Maybe later but not now. Ive found myself a little saturday job (i work part time from home). This will get me out of the house, meeting people, doing something different. Its hard when i really just want to sit and think and think, but keeping busy and taking one day at a time is really really important. Im not eating properly, smoking too much and am aware this has to change, I do have my dog to look after, so daily walks are a must and they help me too, even though, again i just feel frozen a lot of the time..Im not going to expect myself to feel better yet, if i feel lonely, then i just will, if i feel tearful, then i will just cry, im allowing everything, because i have a right to feel the way i do, i have too been abandoned by the man i loved, who i tried to control, keep happy and it never worked...now im going to be free of all the uncertainty, when is he going to leave next, when will he start drinking again, how bad is it getting etc....i cant fix him and i know that he now can never ever do this to me again....thats the biggest thing. Good luck and you will find this board very valuable, people are very kind, share their stories and have made me stronger already, if only a little as yet.
i don't think you need to apologize for asking for help. For me personally its realy key to ask for help before it gets to a crisis. I know lots about not being able to get to face to face meetings, lots of us do because there are many many obstacles to getting there. That's why often for many people the meetings here are a great introduction. Finding the right ftf meeting can be very time consuming. In the meantime there can be lots of things you can do to ground yourself, get as many books as you can, read daily readings. Post replies to posts as that is a way to get to know people and feel connected. When I got here the A was the front, center, all of my life. I was isolated into a corner.
Overtime on this board and through therapy I stopped being so isolated. None of that happened overnight. Every day I try to use this program day in day out to get better. I know what it is to be very depressed and very dependent on someone who is not "there" for me. I know something very different now and it was constant daily effort to get there.
Just a perspective on the "people logging off" part -
When I come to the board, I click on a message to read it, then I click the "back" button on my browser. I read another message, then click on the "back" button again.
Each time I use "back" to access the message list, it's taking me back to the message list AS IT WAS WHEN I LOGGED ON. If anybody has posted a new message SINCE I logged on, it does not appear in that list.
Sometimes I remember to click "refresh" to completely re-load the page, including new messages; sometimes I don't.
I agree with what someone else said, that people logging off is actually not about you; but I also wanted to point out that, if they read like I read, they may actually not have seen your message in the first place. Just a thought.
you can always come to one of the online metings in chat or just come to chat & talk to someone live, at any time. There is a contstant flux of ppl going in & out of the chat room, so even if no one is in there, wait a few minutes or try back, someone will be here to chat with that will understand your situation.
I used to think everything wa smy fault, people are sioply living their lives but we all understand, I know I have acted that way at times - I'm a recovering codependent.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
