The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not a chaser - I am someone who runs. Every single time a relationship hits a rocky spot and the man in my life walks away from me, I change my number, and keep my distance. I cant fix my A - he is broken. He turns to alcohol to have a good time with friends, having to party it up and prove how cool he is. And its fun, and he's fun at the time, most of the time going a little TOO far with inappropriate comments. But he doesnt care because everyone always laughs (except me). Then as soon as we are in the car, or back at home, he snaps. He becomes sarcastic, mean, cruel, nasty, just says hurtful things because he knows it will get to me.
I am a successful business owner. I own a very nice house, am able to take vacations whenever and wherever I want and dont have to think twice about how much it costs. He has struggled to pay me rent for 2 years of living here, just got a job where he is the BIG MAN. Everyone loves him, everyone thinks he is just the funniest, the most exciting, and he is succeeding at this job. Now, I dont fit in. Now he feels so powerful at his new job, that he doesnt need me - and can throw me to the side by flipping out at me when I wanted to get close to him.
2 weeks ago we were talking about marriage and starting to make plans. 2 months ago he proposed to me and told me I was getting a ring fairly soon. Now, he has moved out and cut me out of his life. Now I have to stay steady in who I am and not chase after him and ask him back. What will that do? It will just keep things the same way. I will be giving him everything he needs, and I wont get anything in return. I dont want that - I hate that. As hard as it is - I need to stay strong. I need to not talk to him, reach out for him, want him, etc. Its what he wants, all so he can say to me - NOT NOW!! He wants me to need him, but then breaks me down when I do. I am better than that!! I love him, which is why its ok to not be with him. He needs to figure out who he is, and I need to stay steady in who I am and not let him get me down. This is NOT my fault. This is not my problem. My problem is that I gave him too much of me, and left nothing for myself. Myself is who I need to find.
I got caught in this so many times with the ex A. He could push the abandonment button very easily. Eventually I learned to detach. Of course I waited for him to change for a few years. you are right in looking for support around this issue.
Cyn, it caught my eye that you said your A has lived with you for two years and has struggled to pay rent for living with you. This really hit a cord with me because my A husband has lived off my mom and me (we live with her she is 86 and I take care of her) for two years and has paid little if no rent. It's a humilitating thing when people ask what he does and I have to say that he just buys and sells and trades things, not much of a living in that.
As for the rest of our life he has quit drinking, but has become a dry drunk and has become very critical of my family and me. He is very controling and manipulative as most A are, drinking or not. I have decided to do what is the best for me and he has moved out and is now living off his son and I'm trying to keep myself steady as you are and look for ways to take care of myself and move forword.
Cyn, The first thing I was told at the first Al-Anon meeting I attended was to take care of myself first. I have tried to do just that for the past two and one half years, it sounds like you are doing the same. In your last sentence you stated "Myself is who I need to find". Taking care of yourself first will start you on that journey.
Good for you for keeping yourself stead... Let him worry about his issues and you just take care of you! Make a future that will make you happy...Go at it One Day at a Time... Easy Does it!!!
You are thinking clearly...Now you just have to follow thru...
The ex A who I was with went through periods of achieving. Many of them are capable. Then he would go through periods of total shut down. Before I left him he went through periods of playing computer games for 4 weeks straight. I currently live next door to a man who claims he loves his mother deeply while at the same time making certain she has to pay for his rent, food, car registration (she's bought him a truck duirng the time I've been his neighbor). He also plays computer games day and night. He isn't a child, far from it he just turned 50. Grandiosity seems to be a trait of many A's. This particular neighbor claims he is indeed a very caring person while at the same time feeling quite entitled to live off his mother. I know he has been doing this for years now. If you met him and didn't at first see these incongruities you might be fooled too.
I think it takes a lot to really see an active A (in whatever shape or form they are). I've certainly been fooled. I was such a people pleaser and so eager to be liked I overlooked lots of t hings. Now I am far more perceptive, keen and reticent.
The ex A who I was with still would feel free to ask for a hand out if I allowed him. I don't permit the opportunity anymore. As for the neighbor I make a real point of avoiding him at all costs. That's new behavior for me.
