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Hello, I had some lovely responses to my situation when my AH announced from thousands of miles away, that he no longer loved me as a husband should love a wife, that people needed him more than he needed them, that he was like his father (always absent from his life) and that his alcohol problem wasnt going to go away. I flew to dubai, a big challenge for me, to see my sister for 10 days but knew i had to come home because he was getting back himself on the monday. I made a lot of arrangements only to discover that he wasnt even back in the country and was going to be at least another week away! I had no communication from him, I have been staring at his things waiting to go and no way of moving forward for weeks now, thank god i did go to dubai. It was a great experience but coming home was hard, facing the music....I cant believe the level of selfishness and how easily our marriage/me are forgotten, its as if he has wiped me out of his life whilst leaving me with everything. I have to pay for everything and so its 5 weeks now since he made any contribution to our bills, probably never will!!! Im so angry now, I have told his sister that i dont want him near the house, am taking his car to hers about 20 mins away rather than leaving it here, where its tax is also about to run out on saturday! Ive tried to get his things moved but his sister cant afford to pay nor me, so he will have to get a man with a van or something. Im worried that he wont even bother....talk about left in limbo...sorry about the rant, but it feels so unfair that he is in his words to someone else "getting used to island life" and im just here with no way to move forward..Apparantly he is not really drinking..and is getting "his shit together" whatever that means. Its always been about him getting himself sorted out....never about anyone else. His sister says that i should know she is on my side really, as she would have wiped her hands of him long ago if he wasnt her brother and hes never coped well with life since a little boy and has never been happy. I think he has real problems, alcohol being a sympton rather than a cause. Its so sad but his actions have/are destroying me and worse still i cant bear the fact that he no longer loves me...
Lilly, you will be okay... really... WE love you. When I was alone for many years after my first husband I held to a thought of my very dearest girl friend. I thought and still think she is sooo cool, so if she was my friend and saw value in me, I must be worth something. ALSO, there is a church around the corner from me that has a sign in front that reads, "Those who anger us control us." Try to let the anger go. LOVE, db55
We think others should behave in a loving emotional way, expecting them to have the same level of love and affection we give. Thats where we go wrong
Addicts can be so selfish, and dont get how much they hurt others, its part of the disease. I dont think they even see us, I know my Abf didnt see me or my needs, and they really dont get our feelings. I've learnt that expecting someone who is sick to be responsible for my happiness is asking for trouble. You cant change him or his behaviour, but you can stopt him destroying you and your loving ways. How?? By focusing on you, looking after yourself and giving yourself the love you deserve. Are you going to meetings? The support you'll find there and on this board will help you through. Lilly you will be ok. We're all here for you, loving you and supporting you every step of the way. Keep posting and Keep coming back.
(((Lil))) My heart goes out to you, and I can feel and understand your pain. My EXAH disappeared one day with his best friends wife and they ended up moving to Arizona, her with a baby on the way and him without so much as a good bye. We would like to think because we care about other people that people should provide us with the same courtesty but they don't and we can't make them no matter how wrong we think it is. I felt like I deserved answers from my XAH...I never got them...never heard from him again..... Please take care of you, physically, emotionally and spiritually. You WILL get through this it will just take some time. Allow yourself to feel every feeling coursing through your veins-they are yours and you have every right to be mad, angry, sad and confused. Keep in mind as you go through such a hard time........that God only makes happy endings.......so if it's not happy-it's not the end!!!
Keep it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Do you have any books on codependency? How about alcoholism? Did you go to an AA meeting? If you went to an open meeting you might hear see that many alcoholics in recovery and not in recovery behave like this.
I know for me personally the behavior that got me in the most trouble was my expectations of the alcohlic. I kept waiting for him to improve. He did sometimes but most of the time I have to say he was on a downward course.
My denial contributed to my pain, my denial contributed to my not taking action, my denial and inaction to protect myself have caused me great great problems.
I'm not sure what you "should" do. Certainly commiseration seems to help you. We have all been there with someone who doesn't respect, care, be responsible. The issue is that at some point we had to embrace recovery, detach (learning to detach is a hard one). We had to get on a path out of the way of their self destruction. The sooner you can get on that path the better. I can't tell you how to do it. I do know people here who have done it. Their stories might be very helpful to you.
Its so sad but his actions have/are destroying me and worse still i cant bear the fact that he no longer loves me...
Hi there - just wanted to offer a word of encouragement, challenging you on this last line of your post.... alcoholics tend to choose their addiction over EVERYTHING else in their lives, even their loved ones.... at this point, at least, he is choosing his addiction over you.... those are the facts, and in the immortal words of my wise old sponsor - "it isn't good nor bad, it simply IS"
The more positive news is that you don't have to be a victim, and allow him the power to "destroy" you.... in fact, this is the perfect time to work on you, gain recovery for yourself, so you will be strong & healthy enough to do great with or without him.... This is where Al-Anon can play such a huge role in your life....
There is an old saying that I love....
"he will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose a healthy path for yourself.... today really IS the first day of the rest of your life....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you again. I have some leaflets about detaching from the group i attended just once, sadly because my AH was determindedly not drinking at the time, i thought i didnt need it. I will read it. Anyway, the good news is that i think ive found a saturday job working with a friend in her shop, its a start for me, taking me out of the house, where i have worked part time from home for 4 years, this will be good for me and is something different and a bit more money too, which is a great worry for me at the moment. There are good signs in my life, my immediate neighbour who has been dreadful living next to for the last 7 years, suddenly moved out this last monday, i really did take that as a sign. I also lost my mobile and have changed my number, i had the old one for 10 years, that felt like a sign too. I was dreading having to deal with her on my own, without the support of my AH, so thats really great. I will just allow my feelings, own them and your right too, this is the first day of the rest of my life and i must look after me. I also have our lovely puppy who needs my time and care, hes a wonderful companion and we will be ok....i just feel i need to keep coming back to the board, yes for commiseration, yes for people's stories and to give me faith in the fact that i will recover from this and my AH will do whatever he does.
