The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just read someone's post about how hurt people hurt people, and in the end they really are hurting themselves. It made me think about alot. I spent 3 years with a man who fought me every step of the way to starting a life together. Every single stage we went through: moving in with me, getting over homesickness, and now planning on getting married has been met with him striking out at me. I took it personally. But in reality, it was him hurting inside. It was him not able to get through his own issues whatever they may have been - and I let it affect me.
His drinking is HIS issue. It is not mine. I dont need to feel guilty for him moving out after he attacked me physically. It was NOT my fault - it was his issue.
I hate the games - the "I havent gone anywhere from our relationship - we are still together - we are taking space apart, blah blah blah". Man UP! Face your hurt, your ownership of what you did, your wrong doings, your inadequacy and do something about it. Why are people with these issues so cowardly?
i think I blur the lines all the time. Detaching with love is the hardest thing for me to do. Maintaining compassion while relating is pretty difficult.
I think for me staying ina bad relationship was a choice I made over and over again. I have had to own that. I don't like it I'd love to put it all on him. I didn't like my choices one bit, can't say I was responsible, honest (I used anger as a weapon) and more.
I don't know that people who are dysfunctional play "games" I think they grab at straws. I've certainly always gone for the familiar. Being out of the box is not something I know.
I am sure you hurt badly right now. I know I did. Hurting was part and parcel of all those relationships. These days I do not hurt day in day out. I do not blame the A for all of it. I hold him responsible yes but I had my part in it. I wasn't chained to the closet. I certainly felt captive. I also felt like that it was all on him to change where what I really needed to do above all was change. With or without him I had to change to stop hurting day and night.
COWARDLY ??? i DON'T THNK SO WE LIVE WITH THIS CRAP STONE COLD SOBER . When u decide that u deserve to be treated better u will be , I don't know if your attending al anon meetins for yourself but if u plan on a future with this man I hope u consider attending for both your sakes , he will not change til he's damn good an ready but that doesn't mean that u can't . There is no excuse for physical abuse any man who abuses a woman is a coward and a bully and it will only get worse not b etter. take care of yourself
Perhaps this is martyrdom, but I feel like I am the cowardly one. Why can't I tell him that I refuse to live with an Alcoholic, and the baggage that comes with it? Why can't I tell him that if he doesn't quit drinking he doesn't get to keep me?
I keep thinking of this as MY problem. Where I look to him as the source of the problem is when I feel bad about doing what I need to do.
Today, I told him that after the house is sold he can live anywhere he likes, and won't have to put up with me controlling him (as I am accused) or being mean to him.
I think he was shocked.
All the way home, I recited the first line of the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the thing I cannot change"
I cannot change how I feel about living with the alcoholic, and I cannot change the alcoholic. Why do I feel so terrible for having said it????
"Face your hurt, your ownership of what you did, your wrong doings, your inadequacy and do something about it. Why are people with these issues so cowardly?"
((((Cyn))))
This is exactly what the program helped me to do after I learned to face myself and the consequences of my own choices.
I do hope you keep coming back over and over and over. Listen, learn and then practice, practice, practice.
