The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is a lot of info on this site and my situation is probably already been advised upon. If someone could send me a link to the appropriate topics, I would be grateful.
Brother is 35. Was a functioning alcoholic until a year ago. Quit his job and hasn't done anything since. Went through his savings. After six months finally figured out the unemployment paperwork and now has unemployment. His house flooded in Aug, no flood insurance. My mother and I battled with the state and got him grant money and got the county to agree to buy his house as part of the greenway buyback program. He now has less than 60 days to vacate the house and hasn't packed a thing or figured out where to go. His house is unlivable. He and his girlfriend live in 2 rooms of the house. Girlfriend is employed, but also an alcoholic and an enabler. He has cut his drinking back, but still drinks 2-4 beers a day. He's been in the hospital for nutrition and for alcoholic neuropathy. (He thinks his walking and feet problems are due to crossing his legs or from standing on his feet all the time in his previous job.) He's 6 foot 1 in and weight down to 145 lbs.
He claims mom stresses him out, so right now she is not calling him or stopping to check on him. It's been 3-4 weeks since she started this strategy.
I live 3 hours away. I call once a week just to know he is still alive. I don't know how to talk to him. I try not to judge or bribe or punish. I try to just listen, but the conversations are pointless. I don't know how to motivate him. He just watches tv all day and sits. I call him and try to ask if he is packing or looking for a place to live without judging. I encourage him to eat and exercise and go to the doctor, but from what I can tell, he does none of these things.
How do I talk to him? I refuse to help him any more unless he asked directly for the help. I'm tired of helping him when he won't help himself.
There's a "search" function in the middle of the burgundy menu bar - trying searching for "brother" or "functioning alcoholic" or "lost job" or "how do I" - I'm sure you'll get lots of topics on point.
It seems to me that you and your mom are discovering that you didn't Cause it (the disease), you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. We call that the 3 Cs. You bend over backwards to get him grant money? That means he doesn't have to worry about it for a while longer. You fix it, arrange it, plan it? He no longer has to.
I strongly suggest getting yourself to an f2f (face to face) meeting and picking up a free newcomer packet - several good pamphlets in that.
Here's a link to one of the "3 Views" in the pamphlet "3 Views of Alanon" - this is called "A letter to my family" (from the alcoholic): http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Prairie/6794/anopenlettertomyfamily.html
The bottom line is that you cannot convince him, show him, or love him into recovery. Only he can do that for himself, and ironically only if he first admits he is powerless over alcohol. However, you don't have to go down with him; and the very best thing you CAN do to help him is, also ironically, to focus on yourself and learn these ideas of detachment, giving our loved ones the dignity of experiencing the natural consequences of their own actions, keeping our own side of the street clean and leaving our brother's side to him.
welcome to MIP. Yes, this site offers a ton of help, u can use the search link to find topics of interest to you. We also have 24/7 chat & two daily meetings in there M-F 9am & 9pm EST plus weekend hours, u can get them in the chat room.
If you go to an al-anon meeting face to face, ask for a beginner's packet &/or any or all of the pamphlets u can find. They are very informative & useful. My two favorites are: A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic and The Merry Go Round Called Denial. Read and study all you can. This is a family disease and the issues run deeply. There is hope. Use this Board, online meetings & make contacts at a face to face meeting. You are not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The closest you will be to great suggestions (we don't give advice) is right on this board. Here are the posts from those who have worn the shoes you are now wearing and you can follow the suggestions that they took and follow the success they were awarded right here. You're allowed to go back in time here and then come forward with those that arrived, got suggestions, followed up with them and now have a different way of living life.
Maybe you are like me when I first got into program. I had been looking for that "right" word or "right sentence" that I could tell my alcoholic and wake her right up with a huge AHA!! and then a "Right on Jerry F...you're soooo smart and you've saved the day and my life." Maybe not.
Maybe its your Mom who has woken up. She realized that what she was doing was working and she has stopped doing what she was doing. Thats what the program primarily teaches us...STOP!! and then it lovingly turns us around to face ourselves and helps us to save ourselves.
Alcoholism isn't only a "his" disease. It owns everyone who participates in it. Those who don't participate don't know there's a problem and they go on with life. Those who do participate, mind...body...spirit...and emotions have a life problem and the disease will guarantee that the problem will persist and get worse over time for all who participate.
Maybe a good suggestion would be to suggest to your mom and she and you take off for maybe a months or to to face to face meetings where you can sit and listen to others who know where you both are at right now and also know how to get out of it inspite of what the alcoholic might or might not being doing. This recovery site can make all kinds of suggestions for you however they will not work as your suggestions are not working for your brother unless you are willing and honest with yourself that you need help from others. Best person for your brother to talk with is another recovering alcoholic. If you make that suggestion to him and he is not ready, know that there is and accepts his problem and can't find something to distract his attention from the television it will just be another feeling of anxiety and loss for you. I was not the best "go to" person for my ex-alcoholic wife. When she came to me for support, the disease got worse. One reason it got worse was because I didn't know what she was going thru from the experiences of an alcoholic. Today I can and it's 30 years later. Another alcoholic got her into recovery Yay!!
So my suggestion is what worked for me. Go to face to face meetings and do so for 90 days straight. Get and read as much literature on the disease of alcoholism from the meetings and continue to read it. Learn the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Learn and memorize the slogans and Serenity Prayer. Look for someone who seems to have what you don't and ask them if they would sponsor your recovery. If after 90 days you find that the Al-Anon Program isn't for you, you can pick up your miseries and see if something else is available. (I hated that last sentence)
That's what worked for me. That is what I did. I will not advise anything I have no experience with.
Keep coming back. The program works if you work it.
Thank you for the suggestions so far. I am looking for a local group close to my office. I think I'm further ahead on this than my mother. She wants to help and I keep telling her to find an alanon group, but she has too busy of a social life. I'm working on her.
I have begged my mom to come to al-anon, read the literature for years, she has no interest in going or in therapy. She is still married to an active A.
I have heard other members say, they just ask if someone wants to go with them or not - not expecting anything & just go anyway ~ it is for your peace of mind.
Perhaps in time, if you grow, change & find serenity, they may decide to go too, who knows. I hope u make the decision to go for you. It is scary but everyone in those rooms took the first step at one time too & felt the same way you do. Good luck and welcome.
- A friend in recovery.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
There are meetings here twice a day. Many of the members who post here go to them regularly. I highly recommend them. Another resource is to work the 12 steps you can find books on working the program all over the place.
I think its actually pretty important not to compare our pain to others. I do not have children. I don't doubt if I had them, given my background and my choices in alcoholic partners they would be dysfunctional. I've gone from imaginging that I know what's best for a parent to recover to admitting I don't have that experience but can relate to some of it. I no longer guess or even think I can tell what's right for other people.
In Al anon we focus on ourselves as much as possible. Chanigng ourselves for some of us is a full time job. The more you can bring the focus back to you the better you wil be able to detach from your sibling's chaos.
