The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
3 1/2 years ago I walked away from a man who I was so disgustingly in love with because he was addicted to pills. Now, I feel like I am doing the same thing with someone else I loved, planned to marry, etc. because he is drinking to the point he is becoming violent with me.
Two weeks ago was not the first time, but it was the first time I was scared enough to say no more. He and I had a wonderful evening with friends, where he drank sake and beer and vodka. We had fun, laughed, relaxed and then went home. By the time he got home, his mood had changed. He just wanted to pass out, and started a conversation with me that led to an argument because he was drunk, then he started throwing me around the room because he was drunk, and then threatened to kill me, left my house and told me he was never coming back.
6 hours later he returned to a house that was locked solid for him not to get in. He got angrier. He asked me to come out and talk to him over breakfast and I finally agreed only if he stopped drinking. When I came out of the house, I left everything locked up so he still couldnt get in - PROTECTING MYSELF. He was so angry about this he took a crow bar and broke down my front door - blaming ME for the MISTAKE.
I never called the cops and I should have. I left and went to a parking lot and called his mother who for the most part defended him, told me I should have left him alone and let him sleep it off the night before, and that he would fix the door. When I went back home, he talked me into staying home, getting couples counseling, promised to stop drinking, etc. I still felt uncomfortable. This had to stop!!
I had to go away for the weekend for work, so the next day I told him not to come home for one day - then he could have the house to himself for the weekend while I was gone. I went away, we talked all weekend, I explained my fears, my thoughts, everything. When I got home Sunday night, he had moved all his stuff out and was gone. He left me a love letter and flowers explaining he had not left our relationship and wasnt intending to, but needed to get out of here. Somehow this incident became MY fault and he became the victim. He still knows where I live, but he refuses to tell me where he lives.
I am angry and feel violated. I loved this man and we had JUST been discussing getting married by the end of the year. He thinks that he can walk away from this house, and me but still have me in his life and that we are just going to fix everything and move forward. I cant believe after so many years I am back to this....
Like David, I am glad you made it out of there, and also glad that he has left... Violence from my excerience NEVER Gets Better... It only gets worse. So the fact that you are away from it is wonderful...
You need to start taking care of you, and getting into your program with your HP, to help you get thru this tough time in your life... You made it thru the last time, and you will carry thru this one as well...For "This too will pass"...
There are many people that "Dont Get away", be grateful you seen this BEFORE marriage, or anything else that may bound you to this person... I truly hope that you find a F2F meeting so you can also have hands on Support...Keep yourself Safe...
Keep coming back... Prayers & Hugs... Friends In Recovery... Jozie...
Personally I think back here is a great place to be. Can you get help from a battered women's agency?
In theory you can still file a police report if you want to.
For me personally the issue of drinking is huge. I don't know that I will even be close friends with people who drink anymore. i just couldn't take the chance.
That said you obviously need a great deal of support, go to our chat room, go to meetings here. Get the ground under you.
Abandonment is a huge issue for me. For me it outweighed any violence.
Whatever you do you still have yourself and your home.
Alanon isn't about making our situations better, though that certainly happens - it's about making OURSELVES better, teaching OURSELVES healthier ways of being in the world. If we keep doing what we've always done - we'll keep getting what we've always gotten. If we walk away from one bad relationship and do not work on the aspects of ourselves that got us there, we are VERY likely to go right out and attract the same thing all over again. Looks like maybe this is what happened with you.
((((cyn)))) Violence is NEVER ok, not from anyone, and the first thing to do it protect yourself from it. My personal experience tells me that if he behaves like this once, he will do it again, no matter how much he says he is sorry, you can almost bet it will occur again. You have to ask yourself is this the kind of life you would be content to live for the rest of your life? Is this behavior acceptable to you? Once you find the anwers the other choices will become clearer. Just please take care of u!!! Keeping it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
(((Cyn))) so glad you found mip again! love and many hugssss to yas!
i pray you will continue to renew your ways and your thoughts with alanon...the steps, the slogans....the *serenity prayer.... and that you will try to attend some face to face meetings.
in this day... we need others that understand what we go through. the living with or being consumed by those we love..., especially those that have a problem with drinking or drugs.... is not an easy road. but one some of us choose to take. you say your not married yet and hes already lost his ability to control those "moments of anger." im so very sad for you...BUT i know you are strong and very perceptive to what is better for you and for your home. i pray you are taking time now to really think about what you want in a husband/wife relationship.
i want one that is both supportive and stable. one that i feel totally safe and completely protected. i know i deserve someone that boosts me up..loves me and gives me support in my many endeavors.. as i them. i know i deserve to be loved and respected and that it is possible. a better way of life.. a more loving relationship.. someone (a spouse) to call friend. it is possible and it is there for me and for you.
it takes that first step towards placing this wonderful program into your every day.... married or not! ... with someone or not!
Take care of you first.. then the other aspects of our lives - life will fall into place....with HPS guidance .....so much easier....
So glad you've taken that first step again! ((((cYn))))
I am an addict, I am addicted to fixing, and to alcoholics, my cure is Al-anon. I am just like the alcoholic, I NEED my meetings, my program, my literature, my sponsor and most of all my Society. MIP, lone member service, a chat room or a f2f, I am in Alanon for life. I expect to have lulls, miss meetings, slips. I also know that will cause the insanity I am so desperate to avoid in my life. I am to the point I am grateful for what has led me to Alanon, for all it has given me.
I am so glad you remembered Alanon and that we may help.
Keep coming back! Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
Welcome back...I hope you keep coming back and get to as many face to face Al-Anon meeting. Like Julie I learned that I was addicted to alcoholic personalities as the alcoholic was to booze and that without the program of Al-Anon and it's suggestions to work I would consistently relapse and choose alcoholics for partners and the program was right. That is what I consistently did even while employing that "It won't happen to me again" statement of certainty. Even the women I chose to date in the program became partners in problems. I recertified my disease even when I was trying not to. The healthy ones I didn't want to hang around with for long...the sick ones I wanted forever with. Today I am a believer and I work at staying awake and conscious to what this program teaches. I nurture the mind set that Julie has mentioned because I have been taught and believe today that it is best for me.
The disease is among other things considered progressive. It might seem that your experience is an example of that.
I wish you more growth this time around. In service and support. (((((hugs)))))
