The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I broke things off with my qualifier over Christmas.
Last Sunday he made a date for this Sunday (yesterday) to sort of reconnect and see how things stand. Okay- I'll give it a shot. (Cue 7 days of angsting over it- should I cancel? How am I going to stay serene and not punch him in the nose?)
Turned out I didn't have to worry because Saturday evening, when I texted him for meet-up details, he managed to flake in one of the most offensive ways possible (having to do with him not being able to do me the favor of getting together, but maybe soon, if things work out.) '
In fact it was so perfectly awful that I laughed (and then cried).
So why am I still trying to make excuses for him? He is SO xxxx'd up, (despite the handicap of sobriety!) that it feels impossible for me to ignore him when he calls again, which he will. But there's obviously nothing I can do for him.
I think I would feel that way about cutting anyone out of my life. There's something so drama-queeny about it.
I'm inclined to tell him I love him but that he's a skeezy weasel when he's not in the program and that I don't want to be around it.
Is that reasonable? I can't tell anymore. Everything he says turns it into him being the victim. I have no idea what's normal.
Remember say what you mean, and mean what you say, and don't say it mean.
"So why am I still trying to make excuses for him?" That's what we do when we love an A. When we work our program we let go and let God take care of them.
"I think I would feel that way about cutting anyone out of my life." This is a hard thing to do, even if it is the right thing. When we've gotten emotionally attached to someone it's hard to walk away. Sometimes we don't need to and sometimes we do. Only you know.
"It feels impossible for me to ignore him when he calls again" If you can't ignore him, just decide what you need to say and then remember the saying, Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.
Oh how I remember the "she this" and the "she that" and then getting into the Family Groups for real and learning how to sit my self down in one chair and then take a chair opposite me, sit down also, lean forward and ask myself, "So what's really up with you?" Takes willingness, humility and practice, practice, practice.
You will learn alot at Face to Face Al-Anon meetings and find tons of literature to read about "our" condition in alcoholism. You gotta wanna do it and let your brain just "suck" up the ESH that will help you give up the drama queen ism.
Check out Rora's post below on drama. It's sooo right on.
I go to a lot of f2f meetings. This is still hard. And I have a horror of drama and confrontation and usually confuse standing up for myself for drama. I don't have great perspective and coming here helps sometimes.
F2f is better but I'm usually too shy to share- everyone else is waving their hand around frantically and I just don't feel up for elbowing my way in for something I dont' even think is worth sharing.
I also abhor drama because my A mom was so much about generating drama. crying, running away in the night, ultimatums, lots of crying and begging all thru out my childhood. I swore I would never "do" that. I had to learn how to cry thru therapy when I was 19-20, I had not cried at all before that except when I was a baby. Only the A was allowed to have strong feelings of any kind in my house of origin. us kids were never allowed to feel or express ourselves in any way.
But the feelings did not go away, of course.
I have found that when people are so fu*ked up, I need to release them to HP, not into myself. I need to remove toxic people from my life and detach with love. I need to love myself enough to not allow them to enter. Maybe some day, I will be able to have them all around and they won't affect me but right now, I cannot manage that. I need to get good sleep, for example. I cannot live with a person who wakes me up all the time. This is just an example.
I recently had an experience with some people who were "friends" who did stuff that was also "laugh outloud" obnoxious and toxic and manipulative. I just got to the point of saying no more. No thanks. Simple. I think java is right about the saying it like it is but not in a mean way. There is no reasoning or negotiating with them. No talking it out, either. just keep it real simple.
People who actually care and are capable of being relational and who are emotionally available, etc. behave very differently, I have found. Why cast pearls among swine? I ask myself...hugs, J.
The first paragraph of your post brought something up, too- I grew up in a similar situation. I started therapy 3 weeks ago and I have emotions I'm not used to and don't particularly care for- I feel out of control some days and I can't predict which days. I think I'm less able to have this stuff around than I used to. I hope it goes away.
I still have all these hopes that he'll go back in the program- he was a wonderful person once. But it doesn't seem to be happening on a timeline that works for me and I will have to give up waiting for it.
I am grateful for the "didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it" mantra because in my heart I'm convinced I failed him somehow- to not have said the right thing at the right time, back when he was first starting to fall apart.
There is a lot of great great stuff in your post. Few people who are codependent manage to just break off, walk away and take care of ourselves. You are after all in recovery.
Melody Beattie has a great new book on the "new codependency" full of stuff on your issues, boundaries, emotions and getting into what she calls a codependent puddle. Exploring issues is hard work. Melody suggests:
It's not what we don't know that hurts us," people say. "It's what we believe is true that isn't that does the damage."
I certainly believed I had to give myself away to stay alive and connected. Now I don't. Nevertheless I am still a very giving person. I give now in a different way one that doesn't drain me.
