The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
went to a f2f meeting tonight the subject was self deception. I had a ah ha moment and guilt started to seep into my thoughts I have been focusing on my AB'S behaviours ,thoughts etc etc. I have been trying to fix his life make him into the man i need. He is sick very sick and I am ashamed at the pressure I have put him under. He is supposed to be going to see someone tomorrow and I believe he is doing this because I want him to. I told him last night no more contact its over. this is because i carnt take anymore and need to be emtionally healthy for my kids. however I can also see now how I have been decieving myself believing that my A is bad for me but I am his saviuor and good for him but really I am really bad for him pushing him all the time to face his denial , to meet my expectation
I am v ery confused I do love him. I am in lots of pain at mo because I know we are both really bad for one another. I wanted this relationship to work more than anything but now see it is so detrimental to us both. I have to feel my pain and start to focus on me change the things I can instead of pressuring others t change.
Tracey, you said it so well in your last sentence- this is the program we all know and love! But yes, its the hardest thing in the world, I totally agree. Its so incredible to me how instantaneous it can be to focus on changing others- its like breathing for me, practically. I need to stop myself all the time- its like I do it in my sleep. Its so very hard to just stop thinking this way or to transition our brain to not do this. But the ONLY way we can make the change is to become AWARE.
I know you are confused about your feelings for him but you are NOT confused about your program.
Sometimes it is indeed best to part ways, even temporarily just to get ones bearings, for both of you.
Please try not to be too hard on yourself. LOOK- you caught yourself! You can see and that is the important thing because its through this awareness that you will gain the strength to actually change! that is the miracle- hugs, J.
Hello Tracy , your not bad for each other , you just did all the wrong things for the right reasons and your sure not alone in that one . Light bulb moments are awsome especially when we get the message as u did . support his efforts take care of your needs and you will be fine . Your not the reason he drinks and u won't be the reason he stops , if he dosent do this for himself it simply will not work . Enabling is what we do until we see that were doing more harm than good , easy on yourself u did what u thought was best at the time , forgive yourself and move on .When we know better we do better . is really that simple . take care of yourself and your children and leave him to God . Lou ise
I've loved some pretty awful people in my time, the ex A was one of them. I certainly loved my parents who abused me tremendously. Now I love them from afar.
Good for you for putting yourself in Check... Sometimes when we bring out what WE Really are it isn't always "what we wanted to know"...lol...But we need to see how we are enabling, and we need to get back to our selves, because if not, we are no good to anyone... Including children...
YOu keep up your F2F you will get so much from them ... I am somewhat of a newbie, started in Jan. of this year, but i have come a long way from were I was when I lost my Afather in Nov. 08... I am taking Baby steps and getting there one day at a time... And you will too.. Just go slowly, and work out with your HP, and your program what it is that YOU need...
Your AB will need to find his OWN HP, for his OWN purpose...If you make him go, or beg him to go... He isn't doing it for himself... And that has never worked that I have seen... I thought that I could force my Abrother to "See things my way" as well...And lets just say that the only reason we still have ANY Kind of relationship AT ALL now, is because this program is slowly teaching me to "Detach with Love & Let Go and Let Go" My Abrother and I get along ALot better now... He is still an A of course... But I have excepted that he has to fight his own battles and I must fight mine...It isn't easy.. .But it has made One great improvement in my life...
Any time a meeting topic makes us stop and think, that's good meeting. At least you could recognize your actions and you are aware that they are unhealthy for you. Thats a great step to accomplish...kudos to you!
