The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am super stressed out. I am on my way to a storage unit that my ex AH dumped my stuff into after I left. I had tried to go back and get some of my things but he refused to let me in "his" house with a friend to help carry stuff. The courts and our attny's decided this was the best thing- have him decide what I would get and put it into a storage unit.
I took a week off of work to go and deal with this storage unit with my big sister who is really great. She has agreed to help me. I feel like I am returning to a crime scene where someone I loved was murdered or something. I am blowing this WAY out of proportion. I mean, he was horribly abusive, to the point where I had to run away in the middle of the night with just the clothes on my back (and took nothing with me). Then, I lost everything (except what he put in the storage unit) and did not get anything from the courts. He was the "monied" party, according to my lawyer and demanded everything and got it. I lost everything. I could not afford to fight back and in the end, did not have the spirit to anyway.
I am really not doing very well. I feel scared and full of a great deal of anxiety. Some things have been going on at work, I made some mistakes (I guess) and got into some trouble. I think they were legitimate mistakes anyone would make being relatively new on a job (6 months) and I will correct myself in the future but I really over-reacted to being criticized- got really freaked out I would get fired, etc. etc. blew it up in my own head. My boss (es) know I am going to make mistakes. I know I am going to make mistakes. My perfectionism is doing a number on me. I feel like they are going to wring my neck when I get back to the office (this is ridiculous!). i am punishing myself really horribly right now and I cannot seem to stop myself.
I am eager for this to be all over and done with. I have to go back there and look at all the objects of that failed marriage that my ex chose to leave for me- I have no idea what he decided to keep and what he decided to let me have. the prospect of having to do this is making me nuts. I am feeling like he is victimizing me one last time...being in control, making all the decisions, telling me what to do, etc.
Well all I would suggest is use your tools. Break down the task, what will you need boxes and plans. When I am doing things that are especially difficult I treat myself a lot. Take time to breakfast, lunch and dinner. Don't go all out at it. Break down the task.
Every single day I am angry at the stuff the exA pulled. The thing I am not angry about is that I no longer have to put up with it.
Remember that when you get there and see how little he left for you, remember you don't have to deal with him anymore.
Keep giving yourself breaks, get to meetings, keep sharing, keep venting.
I have a storage unit and I have not got to it yet. I think its fabulous that you are taking care of this. I know for me the storage unit is a huge issue.
I'm proud of you for knowing you over reacted. I deny deny and deny when I over react.
I don't know what you are going thru, but i am sorry that you are having such a rough time! I have had bad days myself were the overwhelming never seems to let up...But you have to take care of YOU...First and Formost... and you are doing it!... You Got Out! That took unbelievable strength.. So no matter what you find in that shed, be thankful that, that part of your life is over and you can start a fresh start on what you need to do from here out... It great that your sister is jumping in and helping out, I am sure she is more going for your comfort then the packing :) As for work, your right we all make mistakes, I hope that it gets better for you, and with having so much going on it is understandable why mistakes have been made... Give yourself a nice, meditation, nice relaxing something... Let yourself heal, and know that no matter what is ahead... You have support...
Prayers & Love to you... Keep coming back... Jozie
The only thing that comes to mind is that you get to live with YOU, while he has to live with HIM. I think you won that one, hands down!
Take care, and try not to make this bigger than you can handle.... One Day at a Time comes to mind..... or, one of my other faves: "Don't try to eat the elephant all in one bite.... the proper way to eat an elephant is slowly, one bite at a time."
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks you guys. Sometimes the anticipation is waaay worse than the deed. I think once I get there and face it and deal with it, it will be OK and I do have my sis with me who is so valuable mostly because she has a great sense of humor (very important!) and is a very "can do" person.
In regards to the work situation, I cannot go back and undo what has been done. I will be "talked to", I am sure. I jumped when I should not have. I am learning. I need to step back more and not act. I am learning I need to step back more and more and keep my mouth shut. On one hand, yes, I do need to learn this but on another, I am who I am too. While I have a good job and its OK, its not fitting all that well at times. I can hang with it awhile (maybe another year or so) but its not ideal for me and my personality. Its a very "tight" job and I can be a bit of a bull in a china shop. The balancing can be precarious. When to be gutsy and when to just shut up. Fortunately I have a boss who is pretty good at coaching me; I just need to turn to her a little more often for that coaching and check in with her. But I need to learn to stand on my own, too. Its all kind of tiresome- like walking on eggshells and we all know we do WAY TOO MUCH of that in our lives as it is, right?!
I am working to lighten up. Stay in the present moment, like Tom says- its so true. Its all we have. The doors on the past are SHUT TIGHT, right?! and the future is SO not here yet in any way, shape or form. All we have is this moment and I gotta stay in it as much as I can. I feel better when I do- look at the sky, feel amazement at the beauty of the natural world, that kind of stuff...
Thanks you guys, I am so grateful for your kindness and love. Its always here when I need it! J.
You know I do agree that the doors on the past are tight shut. Neverthless I can learn to view the past through another lens. Certainly for me however I got to al anon is a success. The ex A who I was with was a nightmare. At the same time as a result of that liasion I have pets who I adore and cherish in ways I never have before. For me the issue of codependence has always been there. For me I had ot hit a huge huge bottom to get to take action on them they worked for me on some awful level. Now they don't.
First of all I don't believe in the world failure. Therefore your marriage didn't fail, it just didn't work out. I know that sounds trite, but replacing that word failure (for me) eases the burden we already carry around. It's like when I replace the word Problems with Challenges. I know I can hit any challenge head on - so can you.
I too remember making mistakes at work and fearing that I would get fired. Guess what? Ten years later I'm still there. It's how we learn. I understand that dreaded feeling of going back and looking at things. 7 months since I lost my beloved Tim and I know I need to get some of his things (family pictures) back to his family, but I dread going through them. I'm lucky they haven't called to ask for them back. I've tried, and it's just too hard to see the life he had before us and how happy he was. All I can do is to do it bit by bit. This is when we have to take extra good care of ourselves. Being extra gentle, walking away from it when it gets too hard, and realizing that we can get through it. This is life on life's terms.
You know how strong you are. We all know how strong you are. You'll be just fine. Try and think how good it will feel when you get through this task. Then you won't have to do it again - EVER! He'll continue to live with his disease, and you don't have to! That's such a relief. We've got your back. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
