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Hi everyone...I'm new here and am hoping to get some advice before I drive myself nuts.
I've sat in front of my computer for five minutes now, not knowing where to start. I'll try to keep this simple.
My ABF is currently in rehab and coming home soon. I'm a wreck because I don't know how to handle this or him. Here's a little background of our situation:
We've lived together for two years now. We live at his Mother's house because we take care of her as she has Alzheimer's Disease. Putting her in a home is not an option at this point because she has lived in the same home for over sixty years. So we live in an apartment in the basement. But we are her sole caretakers. That in itself is a huge stress on both of us.
Work is slow, he is a self-employed carpenter. I am a nurse, but take care of his Mom full time. But I am looking for work. The rest of the family helps out very little, if at all.
Anyways, my boyfriend has been an alcoholic long before I met him. He was sober for quite sometime when we started dating. When we moved in here, it started again.
For a while, he hid it from his family and I enabled that for a while. I understood, because I am a recovering alcoholic. When it started getting out of control, that's when we argued. He was waking up, needing a drink and if he started early enough I know it was going to be a horrible day. I can't count the amount of sleepless nights that he would keep me up yelling at everything under the sun. Yes, I thought of leaving many times, but again, we have his Mother to think about and I was not going to leave him with her. Telling him that I will not tolerate his drinking anymore, did no good. He would walk to the store or bar angry at me for telling (or trying) him what to do and he would come home angry. So I decided to give in to make him happy. I would take him to the store (his driver's license is suspended from a previous dui) or bar just to keep him happy so he wouldn't get angry. I begged him to get help with no luck. It wasn't until I noticed his health failing, loosing weight, not eating, depression, etc., that I set up a family intervention. And he finally decided to get help.
So here's my problem. He will be coming home soon. I'm not sure how to handle this. I harbor soooo many bitter feelings.
1. How this has negatively affected his Mother and I. 2. Leaving me to solely take care of his Mother and deal with his family. 3. And mostly, everything in the last year has been about HIM. HIS problems, etc. Anytime I wanted to talk about anything that had to do with me or us and how I was feeling, didn't matter. Everthing centered around the "beer." And anytime he was emotionally abusive with me, in the morning when he was sober there was never an apology. And he remembered everything that was said at the time.
So when he gets home, HOW DO I HANDLE THIS? I feel like I should walk on eggshells, but is that right? I have a feeling that if I do that, I will just harbor the anger until I blow. I'm afraid to bring anything stressful up for fear that he will drink again. And it'll be MY fault.
Why do I stay with him? Because I know what kind of a person he is when he is not drinking. The COMPLETE opposite.
Welcome aboard! You have come to the right place and it's an excellent start.
We cannot change what we don't acknowledge.
Wow, you certainly have a lot going on in your life. One of the tools of this program is Keep It Simple especially where you've got so much to sort through.
There's also First Things First. It can become very overwhelming trying to solve all our problems at once.
Many of us here in Alanon are very much caretakers. And everything in balance, that can be a good thing, but when we begin to take care of others at the expense of our own well-being than that can not be good.
My very best recommendation is begin going to face to face meetings. I am sure your ABF will also be attending his meetings if he is going to continue to seek recovery and be successful. The same goes for those of us (you and I) who have been affected by someone else's drinking.
This program is a slow, gentle, patient teacher. There are, however, no quick fixes. Alanon often suggests that you wait at least six months before making any major decisions in your life. That gives you enough time in program to begin the slow process of unraveling of what's wrong and begin working on what's right.
Under the FAQ's is a lot of information for how to find a face to face meeting. I began nine years ago and have continued to attend meetings and I have to tell you that I began at the very bottom of my life and today my life is great. It's far from perfect and it has pain too but it is great.
Please keep coming, please keep posting, please get to a meeting.
in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
thank for the kind words, and I do intend on attending ALANON meetings. I also realize it's a slow process. But for example, how do I handle the first day home, the first week, etc.
For me, one of the first things that helped was to really pay attention to what was "my stuff" and what was "his stuff". I spent days checking every phrase that came out of my mouth to see whose stuff it was - but this was an excercise I needed, because I thought it was all my stuff before - or rather, that it was perfectly okay for me to choose to make it my stuff.
Well, alanon changed my thinking on that. I came to believe that if I take on something that is really not my stuff, that I am sending the unintended message that I believe my loved one cannot do it. Me taking it on makes their failure to do so permanent, and removes any possibility that they WOULD do it.
So, taking him to the store for booze would be out. That's pretty clearly his stuff.
For me, my hubby assumed (and so did I) that I would drive him to meetings. You bet. I WANT to help. But as I came to alanon, I realized that it was his job to get a ride, but not necessarily mine to provide it - and I was getting resentful at the time spent driving HIM to HIS meetings and waiting in the parking lot. So I said to him, I don't mind driving you sometimes, but I mind driving you ALL the time, and I mind you just assuming I'll drive you - if you want a ride, I would like to be asked. And he said, "WHY????????". And I said - very much feeling my way - "I think... it's important.... for you to know.... that you can do this for yourself."
So what happened? He started asking for more phone numbers at meetings- he had to, because he had to be able to call and ask for a ride. He started riding to meetings with people in AA recovery, so he got some program speak before and after the meeting. And pretty soon he never asked me for a ride anymore - and then I got to resent THAT! lol - but that was MY issue.
So - don't police him - do recognize that every speck of energy is going to staying sober for him - remember how it was for you in early days - do say what you need to say for your own sanity, but be prepared to not take it personally if you get a negative response, or if he just doesn't hear you - it's normal. Remember ODAT can be a minute at a time in stressful situations.
Hello cin , welcome , if your not going to meetings for yourself I hope u will find a local one quick , sobriety is not easy for anyone including you the none drinker . The alcoholic is not the only one that has to change we do too. Everything is and will always be about them , Al-Anon is about you . and for you. the anger u have expressed can be talked out at meetings - you had choices too so this is not all his problem. Remember that nothing you say or do will cause him to drink ,that is just an convienent excuse often used by the drinker , your just not that powerful to make anyone drink. if he drinks again it will be a choice he makes and has nothing to do with you . for both your sakes please find meetings for your self , its not your job to keep him sober . Louise
First of all congratulations on your sobriety! That is not an easy thing to do. There are many "double winners" as we call them. As an recovering alcoholic try and remember what it was like for you. You know very well an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. Would you have preferred everyone to walk on eggshells? You know recovery is a selfish thing. It has to be. It's how addicts stay sober and codependents like me recover. I tried walking on eggshells with my A. That didn't stop him when he relapsed.
Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong and taking no prisoners. The best way you can help him is to work on your own recovery, both at AA and Alanon. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are very different. Turn him over to his HP and let him do the rest. It doesn't mean that you are not being loving and supportive. It means that you are taking care of you. I wish you both continued luck in your recoveries. Welcome to the Alanon family. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the "unofficial" Alanon pet greeter
-- Edited by Karilynn at 14:31, 2009-02-23
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Get a copy of the Getting them Sober series by Toby Rice Drew (see the top of this page). Get to al anon, start going to meetings twice a day here. Get as much literature as you can on codpendency. Learn how to detach. www.coping.org can give you some examples. Keep posting.
