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My AH is in the hospital for his drinking. FInally after 3+ days worth, he is in detoxing. I went to see the alcohol counselor yesterday that I had set up for us. We were supposed to go together. He suggested that I go and see him last night. I did.
Should I go again today???? I am in turmoil. As much as I know that maybe he needs to sit by himself and know that I am not going to support this, there still is a part of me that wants to go. It's so true when they say that the spouse is just as much addicted to the alcoholic as the alcoholic is to the booze.
I have been doing tough love with him since Dec. 30th. I just can't believe that there is a part of me that wants to go.
Hi Canary My heart is with you. Why exactly do you want to go? Because you want to comfort him? Because you want to find out exactly what his physical condition is? Because of who else might be there? Because the doctors and nurses don't know what they are doing and you need to "supervise" his care.
I think the answer to your dilemma lies in the REAL reason you are struggling with this decision. You could most likely find out his real physical condition by calling the nurse's station. Here in Houston they give family members a code so they can call in and get information.
If you are like me, you want to go so you can "be there" in case he needs something.... a Kleenex, a urinal, the remote control, whatever and no matter how trivial. I did the darndest things in the name of "helping". Of course this is hindsight on my part.
Also, I was very controlling, thinking the staff couldn't possibly know everything about his condition ("these people don't understand alcoholism", "he has a special ______ that they might not know how to handle") and on and on. I wanted to be IN CHARGE of the whole shebang. How crazy is that?
I can't tell you what is right or wrong for you. I hear your struggle to detach and at the same time " be there" for your sick loved one. It's very tough.
I can only share my own experience. My AH was hospitalized 4 times last year. Each time I visited him in hospital. On some occassions I was not detached, and on the more recent occassions I was. It made a world of difference to be able to show my love, but to be detached from his choices. It was hard. I particularly found it hard to step out of the way of his recovery decisions. I could only be clear about mine. My AH is still actively drinking but I've given him to his HP. Now that I've stepped back, we are more able to love.
If you feel you cannot detach with love, you may get in the way of his recovery. If you can detach with love, you will at least strengthen your own, whether or not you visit him. So how to detach? For me, it's about truly accepting I have no power over his outcome. I got there by a lot of serious but failed attempts to do so.
Hi Canary My heart is with you. Why exactly do you want to go? Because you want to comfort him? Because you want to find out exactly what his physical condition is? Because of who else might be there? Because the doctors and nurses don't know what they are doing and you need to "supervise" his care.
I think the answer to your dilemma lies in the REAL reason you are struggling with this decision. You could most likely find out his real physical condition by calling the nurse's station. Here in Houston they give family members a code so they can call in and get information.
If you are like me, you want to go so you can "be there" in case he needs something.... a Kleenex, a urinal, the remote control, whatever and no matter how trivial. I did the darndest things in the name of "helping". Of course this is hindsight on my part.
Also, I was very controlling, thinking the staff couldn't possibly know everything about his condition ("these people don't understand alcoholism", "he has a special ______ that they might not know how to handle") and on and on. I wanted to be IN CHARGE of the whole shebang. How crazy is that?
Sigh. I've been where you are. God Bless You.
Gran in Texas
After writing this post, I thought the same exact thing that you said. What is the REAL reason why I am going? To try to put some more sense into his head? FInd out what he is thinking? To try to coax him more into wanting to be sober?
Certainly...it was for all those reasons. So, I decided not to go and spend the rest of the day with my children....who really need me.
One of the effects of this crazy disease is analysis paralysis.
Examine your motives first . . . if you want to go, go. If you don't, don't and don't feel guilty about. It's more about the emotions (either good or bad) that determines why or why not you don't want to go.
Keep coming and keep posting, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Only you can decide if you want to go or not. You have to figure out WHY you want to go. Is it to be supportive? Is it so that you can see how he's doing? What's the real motivation? No one but you can answer that. If you need to give yourself time, then do so. If you arrive at the hospital then change your mind, that's fine too. You are allowed to do so. Do what feels right, not what you think is right, or because people expect you to do so. Take good care of yourself. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know that the thing about hospitals is that it's very "professional." So if one is looking for a compassionate, loving supportive staff, there is a likelihood that this won't happen. I support what the others have said. I would give meditation to why a feeling exists as to the need to be present. You have already conveyed to your husband that you love him, that you would wish a better life for him, and that you would wish a beter life quality for both of you. I think you've said everything that needs to be said. Let us be there for you now. Let us be there as you hur through this. That's why you're here. That's why we're here. It's in our job description.
You know one time the ex A was in the hospital because he thought he had had a heart attack. I chose not to go. I did call though. I can understand your anger and resentment.
I can also understand his families codpendency.
I was always over involved or under involved. These days I manage to detach with love. That's an art sometimes I have serendity and sometimes I don't. These days I know the difference.
I don't know how severe his detox is, but if you remotely thought that you could get any answers at this time, don't count on it. Detox is hard, even if his doesn't include hallucinations and shakes. At the very least it's high anxiety and irritability. Probably not the best time for any sort of serious conversation or pleasant interaction.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The decision to go is always your choice. Do what you feel like doing. I can tell you from experience my fiance has been in detox twice this month. The first time i went to see him and had a 3 hour visit. He remembers known of it, didnt even know I went to see him. did not remember the arguing or the tears.
This time around, i made a decision when i dropped him at detox to not accept his calls or go visit him until he was detoxed. I would feel bad for a minute when i heard his pleas on the voicemail, but it didnt last. I felt good knowing for once i was putting my needs and feelings first. I allowed the 7days for me to figure out how i was feeling and to unwind. When he did call on day 7 it was to tell me he was in a treatment program. Turn it over to your higher power. No matter what you do, remember you matter, your feeling matter and if you decide to not go visit then that is ok.
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
u some L
and warm
hugggs!!!
. support is here (& at your face to face meetings) for you ~especially now. Know that HP's Gotcha!
