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Post Info TOPIC: dealing with perfectionism


Newbie

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dealing with perfectionism


So, I'm new to this group. I'm hoping that through chatting and sharing that I will be able to get over some hurdles from the past.
Both my parents were alcoholics and drugs addicts when i was growing up. they are clean now (a huge blessing I appreciate fully) but I still hold onto a lot of my junk. 

now i find that no matter how hard i try its never good enough. im a ridiculous perfectionist. I am so obsessed with perfection that sometimes i think i am going to have a melt down trying. even the slightest criticism sends me to pieces. i just want to do right and please people all the time. if my father gives the slightest suggestion of disapproval i am likely to burst into tears. I know that sounds weak, but I can't help it. I have had the same relationship with teachers too. When I was middle school i burst into tears a few times in class just because I got the answer wrong. it was very embarrassing, to the say the least. In high school i learned to swallow the tears, but still felt the profound pain. I would love some insight or support. thanks.


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~*Service Worker*~

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(((((Monica)))),

Welcome to the family! house.gif  Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the heart.gif ).  I understand the perfectionsim.  I work with someone whose father is an alcoholic, my niece and my husband all suffers and suffered from this same thing.  In the case of my colleague and my niece their perfectionism maifests itself in many ways.  One of the reasons my niece wants to become a doctor is so that she can fix people.  She can't fix her family, so she wants to be able to fix other people.  She's new to this program and realizing that she can't.  All of his life my husband tried to please his mother (even after she died).  He was emotionally and physically abused by her and by his first wife.  It was hard for me try and help him realize that those people couldn't hurt him any longer.  When he relapsed he beat himself up worse than usual.  He would often say "I let Mom down again."  He died last year believing that he was a failure.  He didn't see all he accomplished and how much he was loved by so many people.  He knew I loved him, but he didn't see the rest. I have planted the Alanon seed with my colleague.  She is starting to go easier on herself.  Her perfectionism manifests itself by her continually washing her hands (as she says "Wash away all the bad she's done.").  So you are not alone in this.  Great codependents were are, it's all about people pleasing and fixing things.   

This program is one of hope.  I see my niece slowly coming into the program and already the change in her.  She left home because she no longer wanted to be part of the choas.  She knows she can't fix her family.  I am so proud of her.  This program will give you the tools you need to get stronger and grow.  This program was a lifesaver for me. Recovery is a slow process and there will be times when you go backwards.  That's okay, we are human.  Remember baby steps.  We will always be here for you and have your back.  Recovery is absolutely possible.  If you can find some local face to face meetings, you will find them very helpful.  There are specific programs for Adult Children of Alcoholics too.  We have online meetings, the chat room is always open.  Please keep coming back to us.  We are glad you are here.  Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat smile



-- Edited by Karilynn at 08:38, 2009-02-22

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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:

thanks so much. its very comforting to know that others have gone through this. especially everything tlacate said about guilt. I feel guilt all the time...for no reason really. my warped perception seems to shape most things into mistakes, things i consequently feel guilty about. in turn, these mistakes make me feel unlovable--which results in feeling lonely.wow! that comment really made me realize that. thanks. i def plan on checking out a meeting after i'm done moving (which is a bit stressrul...but what isnt?...haha)

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1558
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Monica (((((HUGS)))))

Welcome to the MIP family...I have never been a perfectionist in my schooling, however, I know the feeling of people pleasing...I have done it my entire life, I can not sleep if I feel ill feeling tords me or someone else... I constantly worry that i have let someone down .. And since I started this program I have learned that the person I have "Let down" the most has been (MYSELF)...

With help from my MIP Family I have learned SLOWLY how to work thru some of the larger issues that i was faced with as a child to an alcoholic, I have learned how to "Shead back the icy layers of my past" and Embrace the more loving caring times of my life...

I can only hope that You keep coming back "As Support & For Support" for in doing so, you will slowly except yourself and your flaws, be able to start fresh with a knew outlook on life..

One Day at A Time!!!
Friends in Recovery...
JOZIE!!!!

-- Edited by Jozie at 15:13, 2009-02-22

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1161
Date:

welcome Monica

here is a link to a board helping with perfectionism

http://ocpd.freeforums.org/

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Megan If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:




Aloha Monica!!

You are sooooo welcomed and you need to keep coming back here and hopefully
into the rooms of the Family Groups.  Perfection never exists for the perfectionist.
When we are finished doing what we strive to do perfect there is always the doubt
that it couldn't have been done better and then the guilt and then the shame and
then the hiding from others who I am sure always judged me as not good enough.

I was wrong.

I am good enough and at many times better than.  I am loveable and loving and
need to keep including myself in that wide group of people I love unconditionally
and whom I most easily affirm.

I have learned what it means to be loved by me.  When I love someone else they
are perfect for me at that time and when I love myself I am also.  Perfectly 
acceptable...enough at the moment...any moment...every moment.  I need to 
see myself as God sees me and smile as God smiles when God sees me.

For me you hit the buttom with this post.  I am grateful for your courage and 
your humility.   (((((hugs))))) smile   

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2055
Date:

(((((((((((Monica))))))))))))) <---welcome hugs,

This program has taught me that "I am perfectly imperfect" and yet I am loved nonetheless.  I have also learned to laugh at my foibles and chuckle to myself when I find out that I am wrong.  Those were some pretty big and amazing lessons for me.

I know when I thought I needed to be perfect to keep the world spinning on its axis, it was such a huge burden that I carried.  When I finally put the globe (the world) down, guess what?  It continued to spin inspite of me and despite me.  I guess it was all going to be alright.

Finally I leave you with a poem that's about learning how to say no but it seems little Angela grew up with the feeling of trying to be perfect too.

I hope this helps,
Maria

Angela's Word


When Angela was very young,
Age two or three or so,
Her mother and her father
Taught her never to say NO.
They taught her that she must agree
With everything they said,
And if she didn't, she was spanked
And sent upstairs to bed.


So Angela grew up to be
A most agreeable child;
She was never angry
And she was never wild;
She always shared, she always cared,
She never picked a fight,
And no matter what her parents said,
She thought that they were right.


Angela the Angel did very well in school
And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule;
Her teachers said she was so well-bred,
So quiet and so good,
But how Angela felt inside
They never understood.


Angela had lots of friends
Who liked her for her smile;
They knew she was the kind of gal
Who'd go the extra mile;
And even when she had a cold
And really needed rest,
When someone asked her if she'd help
She always answered Yes


When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife.
She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life.
She had a little girl of four
And a little boy of nine,
And if someone asked her how she felt
She always answered, "Fine."


But one cold night near Christmas time
When her family was in bed,
She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head;
She didn't know why, and she didn't know how,
But she wanted her life to end;
So she begged Whoever put her here
To take her back again.
And then she heard, from deep inside,
A voice that was soft and low;
It only said a single word
And the word it said was... NO.


From that moment on, Angela knew
Exactly what she had to do.
Her life depended on that word,
So this is what her loved ones heard:
NO, I just don't want to;
NO, I don't agree;
NO, that's yours to handle;
NO, that's wrong for me;
NO, I wanted something else;
NO, that hurt a lot!
NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy,
And NO, I'd rather not!


Well, her family found it shocking,
Her friends reacted with surprise;
But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes;
For they've held no meek submission
Since that night three years ago
When Angela the Angel
Got permission to say NO.


Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife.
She knows where she begins and ends,
She has a separate life.
She has talents and ambitions,
She has feelings, needs and goals.
She has money in the bank and
An opinion at the polls.


And to her boy and girl she says,
"It's nice when we agree;
But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow
To be all you're meant to be.
Because I know I'm sometimes wrong
And because I love you so,
You'll always be my angels
Even when you tell me NO."


Source:  Barbara K. Bassett



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If I am not for me, who will be?  If I am only for myself, then who am I?  If not now, when?
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