The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a holding pattern probably longer than I am aware of but at least I am aware now. This holding pattern I can accept now as ok as I have learned that I may still be confused. Is it a positive to understand more or gather courage to take the next step or could it be a negative frought with fear or lack of courage.... I don't know yet. During some of the mental struggles I am in such distress but this board provides lots of readings to help me untangle my thoughts or provide comfort.
With the distorted thinking it can be really tricky to know what is my truth but it slowly unfolds and I can only hope that it will continue to do so. I am learning to check in and listen to guidance from HP more and trust that a time does present it self rather than me forcing the conversation or action I want to have next. Though the holding pattern at times seems so slow and I just want to flee it all with a swish of a magic wand or something - not reality anymore than returning to how I used to be people pleasing and being who others needed me to be.
My reality has been reading that others too have felt cornered somehow that if the AH does quit drinking then how could I justify leaving. I finally got it that if I can't be me, have responses or communication or address our issues then I still could leave. It is about my choices not the AH's choices and I don't have to justify anything to anybody... it is all about me and that seems like a first in a long time.
Old habits die hard though as I want to give couples counseling one more try. I finally had to figure out why do I want to do this? So someone else doesn't make me feel crazy, like having a witness present. Or to be sure the AH is aware he has someone he can talk to and even just maybe, we could communicate after some of the progress...... I doubt it intellectually but emotionally it is so hard to leave someone you love. I just can't seem to detach enought to get myself healthy and I act worse sometimes than a silent AH.
Then again, I know it has been hard for most to leave and hard to stay too so that helps me to know these are not distorted thoughts nor should I give this much weight. Courage to change the things I can, I will keep trying to define what I can change so I get healthy and try to let go of the what if fears that try to fight with me. I hope I am getting stronger in this holding pattern and more confident of what I want. I hope my patience grows enough to feel certain but doesn't linger as procrastination. I don't want perfection but I want progress and I want it now!! Just needed to vent that at the moment. 18 mos of al anon and I'm here at this spot - to think when I joined I thought if I read fast I could do 2 steps a month and be done with all my problems. Makes ya want to roll on the floor laughing, doesn't it! (big sigh but with a grin at myself)
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Awareness! it doesn't seem a very big word does it? it's not fancy or even hard to spell, but it's HUGE, its HUGE,because for me, it's a sign I am getting better, I am not passively doing what I alway's used to do, on automatic pilot, then in jumps, CHOICE, wow so I can get to choose to do things differently and get a better outcome, who me?
FEAR, yes that is a hard word, but when we lived along life of fear, it's going to take time to replace that with courage, I know what you mean about being how others need us to be, but when you think about it, and boy don't we,think about it? did it ever make any difference?
When we are not who we need to be, we are so chewed up inside, not much good to anyone really and least of all ourselves, so let's be who we need to be for us first, and let the rest be who they need to be for them.
I think I got 6 months on you in Alanon, I too thought I could get myself sorted out as quick as a flash, I did my twelve steps in about the same time as you lol, I was really upset after I done them and nothing had changed, anyhow almost three years on, and I do have to keep redoing steps, but as they say practice makes perfect, and for me I know I am making progress when I don't need to have a second opinion on my thinking, when I do something all by myself.
DD, what a great thing you have written. Just the other day I sat bawling my head off in my therapist's office telling her about how hard I tried to keep that marriage together, how hard I tried to hang in there with the abuse, etc. And she said to me- "its really really good that you did EVERYTHING possible".
Only after we explore every single corner, try every door, try every single angle, double check one more time (and just one more time after that) can we really know. I was in limbo for many years. It was horrible but I really needed to be there and I can see that now. I needed to make sure EVERYTHING was tried and that took a lot of time. I really did try everything (just ask my friends and family!). I cannot tell you how many times we went to marriage counseling and therapy! That was just one angle- get a new therapist. After a few saying the same thing, I got the message...
Yes, it is so very hard to leave someone you love. I could not agree more. Its one of the hardest and most painful things in the world, especially when they are suffering so. You are so correct. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. But I was dying along with him and I did not want that.
For me, I had to put my oxygen mask on first before I could help anyone else with theirs and I am still working to get that dang thing on.
HP works in very mysterious ways but HP does have a plan for each and every one of us. We really are exactly where we need to be. Take heart and have hope, this program really does generate miracles and you are right where you need to be right now. Hugs, J.
Very interesting post. I think you are doing just fine in your recovery. This program is about healing and growing. You didn't get this way in a day. Your life has been affected by this disease over a period of time. It's hard to let go of someone and something you love. It's also very scary. I remember when I told Tim to leave. It broke my heart, I feel like I failed, and I was terrified. But at that time it's what I had to do. I really didn't plan it. It just happened one day that I had reached by breaking point. As much as we "plan things" sometimes they just happen. We act on the moment we feel is right. It may be deciding to leave. It may be deciding to stay. Something guides us to that moment. I really do believe that answers come when we are most ready to receive them. It may be spiritual, it may be physical or a combination of both.
The fact that you so such awareness of what is going on, is very impressive. I wish I had had your insight. Be gentle with yourself. I think the way you handle things is remarkable. My grandfather use to say "Be still and let your heart think." Sometimes we just need to do that. Feelings are feelings, and just recognizing (not analyzing) them and letting be there for a while is best. Keep doing what your doing. You'll be just fine. Of that I have no doubt. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well, my dear ddub, I don't know what to say. I just nodded my head throughout reading your post. I think you are remarkable.
The 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I think the holding pattern is part of the acceptance stage. In our last counseling session, my 15 yr old son asked why I waited so long to end the marriage (now keep in mind we have the infidelity issue going on so and dad has been done). I told the kids that in addition to needing the time to get a job, organize my life, etc., I needed to know in my heart that when it was all said and done (and it still isn't!) that I could look them in thier eyes and say that I did everything I could to stay married and keep our family intact. I needed to make sure the answers weren't in sobriety, counseling, separation... At that point the counselor was very sweet and discussed how my identity was emeshed in my husband's. He told them I needed time to get over the shock, and through this process I will need to figure out who I am, and how to do many things all over again. He discussed having compassion, and through hearing him speak (and he had personal experience) I really heard that I need to have compassion for myself.
I do believe the answers come in time, or so I hope! Heck, I am still not divorced. Seems all I really need to do is make a phonecall and start the ball rolling again, but the stagnation and procrastination have been somewhat comfortable (relatively speaking) externally. Internally, however, its a whole different picture. I've needed the time to accept and now finally, I am ready to take the action. Looking back, as painful as it was, I am glad I took the time. Yep, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.....
Hang in there, my friend, and do all you need to do.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I am reminded that "you are right where you need to be" and "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." It seems as though you are pre-preparing to get ready my friend. I am just so happy that you continue to work your program and keep coming.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
for me the holidng pattern was part of the process. I have my own version of the "holding pattern" right now getting ready for the next step. There is a process to this.
I did all I could I know that much. I did that and more. That's one reason I do not feel the need to engage with the ex A anymore.
