The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could really use some response. I've been crying all day. I know nothing about drugs and alcohol.I can see how crazy it makes my child. Tough love is really hard for me because I've been codependent with this child from day one. He's an adopted specialneeds child. It's hardnot to be the care taker. How do youguys just sit back and let them sink to the bottom? Do you givethem the choices or do you let them find help themselves? Please write back.
HI... sorry for your pain.... I certainly don't have all the answers to your tough questions, but generally speaking, addicts have to be able to feel the consequences of their actions, in order for them to WANT to get better.... Only you can know the line that your adopted son needs due to his special needs, but I would suggest you start with getting your hands on the book entitled "Getting Your Children Sober", written by Toby Rice Drews... that book will give you dozens of great inputs as to how to handle things, and when to NOT handle things, etc....
If we don't allow our A's to find their bottom, we are, in fact, playing a role in keeping them as sick as they are..... The GTS books, in a nutshell, teach us that "if we REALLY love our A, then get yourself healthy". Al-Anon can also definitely help you....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I don't believe I have ever met a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups that could "just" do what is different. It takes listening with an open mind and learning what the others who have been successful have been doing and practicing their approaches with trust that it could work for me also. I have worked as a counselor with parents of addicted adolescents. Trust me that it is okay to have problems with change and its okay to change anyway because they (like most other alcoholics and addicts) learn from the pain which is the consequence of compulsive chemical use, abuse and addiction.
Here are some suggestions that really work and which saved my life came to living in total insanity from trying to be normal in an abnormal situation.
Look in the white pages for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and call the number to locate meeting times and places. Get to the very first one you can get there and take the chair that will probably be waiting for you. Listen with an open mind. Get as much literature (alot of it free) that you can get your hands on and read it all. Some of the literature is written just for parents. Get a meeting schedule for other meetings and get phone numbers of other members who will be willing to support you inbetween meeting and when you need to talk. Get to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and learn the slogans, serenity prayer, steps and traditions. Keep going back and don't make any decisions about the program until the 90 days is up. If you find that it isn't what you are needing you are still free to try other sources of help. Keep coming back here because you have already touch a deep source of support and love with MIP (Miracles in Progress). Share what you are learning and what it working for you as that is what helps others also.
You have already disclosed that you are a caregiver. Its time to let others here and in the rooms of Al-Anon give to you and let us love you until you will take on that task for yourself. Turn your son/addict over to God as you understand God (that is not abandonment) and start withdrawing your reaction to save him ...you can't. He can with God's help and that will happen when he also admits that he is powerless over drugs and alcohol and that his life has become un- managable and that God can and will help him if he lets God do that. We all do that very same thing and it works for most.
((((RO))))) I can only offer you my compassion on this subject......as with our children it is soooo very hard to show tough love at times. We only want the best for them and it is in our nature as parents to protect them.....but we can't protect them from addiction. In order for them to want to get better, they have to be given the opportunity to make mistakes and their own choices and learn from them the same way you and I do. It's hard and my heart goes out to you...Please take care of u and remember as long as you believe in a power greater than yourself you are never alone!
keep coming back shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
ro, I am not in your shoes but want you to know that I am holding you and your kid in my best thoughts and prayers today. This road is so hard and difficult but you are not alone and there is much help available- from people, from your higher power (HP) and through this incredible program called al-anon. Admitting that you need help and reaching out for it is the first very courageous step. Take care and take one day at a time, hugs, J.
I have a 32yr old A son. He too has more problems than his alcoholism.
I, like you, couldn't begin to understand how a parent, especially a mother could detach, it was only when things reached rock bottom for me, not him, but me .... I had to let go of the insanity of it all....
I searched and read and researched and read some-more and I found, as you now have, good friends here at MIP. With sharing their ES&H they have gently encouraged me to 'work on me' and I am. I have also managed to go to two f2f meetings and will keep going, the support is invaluable.
I now understand that, for me, detaching from his disease has given me the strength and compassion to keep my love for my son intact but at the same time allow him the dignity of taking control of his own life.....
My son continues drinking. He is in supported accommodation. He can't manage his money, has sold his precious guitar and is down to a few cd's left to sell.
He called for help last week (1st time ever) and we have met with him and his support workers. We all reminded him of the options he has, but also told him there is no way out of his situation if he continues drinking.....he will die. He said he wants to stop, to get back to rehab. So far he's had a week of medical intervention (ie pumped full of vitamins etc) to build up his strength and is looking to start a detox tomorrow. He is still in his assisted accommodation....what is happening now is his choice. Before, in my misunderstanding of this disease, I would have jumped in and taken over.... but I'm learning to let go.
As JerryF said ....'they learn from their pain'.....as we do from ours.
I did a lot of crying before I got here almost 5 years ago. You can go to the chat room here anytime and find people who can help. Use this resource as much as you can. Get all the resources you can, therapy, support groups and as much literature as you can on codependency.
