The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been told many times... Your past is your past, so leave it there, but as I work thru this program one day at a time...My past "Is'nt" Just my past...It is a part of who I am and who I have become.. It is me... I have a ASister that "Claims" she doesn't remember ANYTHING from our childhood, which really Ticks me Off, because then I feel like she is trying to close the door on the things that I remember... Like it didn't happen... Since the program I have learned that the reason she does the things she does is because of her Own demons that sit in those closest... She NEVER likes to be wrong, and she hasn't ever really had anything in her life that should make her feel better then another, but for some reason, she Jumps" on the ban wagon of making others feel like Crap ALL THE TIME!!! And I have notice since my program that she does it with out missing a beat...
Example...When I got married... It was "Suppose" to be one of the happiest days of MY Life... Well after much pressure from the family, I put her in as Maid of Honor, and my Best Friend as brides made..(Which you can tell 8 years later still upsets me)... BUT... That day, Our Best Man ended up sick and could be in the wedding, SOOOO My Afather (That she didn't speak to) was all ready in a suit to walk me down to my husband to be... So I ask him if he could stand in for the best man once he got me there... He of course said that he would... Well SECONDS before I walk down the isle, On MY Day!!! My Sister makes it a point to tell me that she IS NOT walking down the isle with my AFather... Well I was Livid...ON MY DAY... So I changed the entire line up to PLEASE HER!!!
Well since the program I have learned to TELL her NO I WILL NOT... NO I will not listen to the Crap that fills your head, and I will not be apart of it... She never has a good day, she is one that could hit the lotto for a Million bucks and would still find a way to find Something wrong with the WAY they gave it to her...
I have learned that in being around her ALOT, I too have picked up those hateful traits, And thru the help of my HP, and my program I am really trying to get a handle on things, I was reading over the steps the other day and thought to myself... "How do you say your sorry to ALL the people in your life that you have put down" out of habit...How do make up for all those lost and ignorant days of your life... Because I have noticed that it is hard to find someone that knows my sister and doesn't think she is a blow sack.. And I TRULY do not want to pick up her habit and make it mine... I don't want people to see me as negative, because really I am NOT! I want to bring my program around to work for me so that I am a better person, not a more miserable one, that judges others and hate my life so much that all I can do is "bash" others to make myself feel better...
I love this board, and the people here because thru your struggles I have found that I am changing every day, and I am not going to be the one that is remembered as the "Negetive Hot head that Hates everyone"... I am going to pray that i can learn to embrace life and enjoy what I have been blessed to live with in my life this far...This program being at the Top of my accomplicements... YEAH!!!
Hi Jozie, It sounds to me like your sister really does have some demons as you say. But do you realize that she may NOT actually remember big chunks of her childhood? I know that is the case for me, and I've heard it isn't uncommon.
I was at an Alanon workshop just today where we were supposed to recall an incident from our childhood and the feelings we had about it. Nearly half of the participants said they could barely remember any specific incidents, much less how they felt. So.... not to defend your sister at all (her behavior sounds horrid) but you might consider that HER reality is that she doesn't remember the painful things. She might have repressed some events into her subconscious and is acting out the unacknowledged emotions that went along with it.
Yeah I can understand some memory.s because I too forget somethings, but she doesn't remember the good times AT ALL... And there was times of Alot of Good times, but I also know that it is not my job, to worry about the choices she makes, I just know that I dont want to be that negative... With my life or my future, bad past of not, I do know want to only remember the pain and move thru it, I want to remember the good times, as well... It s been alot of years but they are still there...
Thanks agian for your ESH... Friends in Recovery Jozie
I think our pasts absolutely DO shape the person we are today, without a doubt.... I guess the secret lies with balance - how much is a "healthy amount of time" to be reflecting on the past...
One of the greatest sayings ever, is:
"It is okay to look at your past, just don't stare"
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((((Jozie))))) Good for you!!! Glad you are looking out for you now.......I read in my C2C book that if we want to stop being a doormat all we have to do is get up off the floor! Looks like you are off the floor!!!!
keeping it simple shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you... It has always done me well to hear someone else thoughts on what I have been doing to myself...
You are soooo right about the Wedding... I am the only one bothered by it, even thou I know she went the bar bragging about how she wasn't walking down the isle with "that A-hole"...It does hold a hurt in my gut, I think mainly because SHE is the ONE most like my father when she drinks...Only differance is, My Afather 90% of the time When drinkiing at the bar, was Happy... She is negative about everything... I know that is not her it is the alcohol..
I am slowly getting the hole consept for "let go & let GOD..." I remind myself daily, and do my readings, and like many others just have days were I get more confused then settled.. but I am doing what I can... With the help of all of you wonderful people., Holdimg my hand...
I have two sisters, I have not spoken to either of them for a few years now. Believe me I can go on a rant much like yours in a second. The more I manage to detach and take a look the better I am able to see that they are "sick". Of course I wanted them desperately to get well for me. When I last visited my younger sister validated some of my perceptions about my mother, small things but that was really really helpful for me. At the same time she did lots of things that made me pretty agitated.
Detaching from out family of origin stuff is pretty hard. The more tools that you have the better. I can highly recommend Claudia Black's book on abandonment you can look them up on www.amazon.com.
I'm so proud of you for being willing to look at these issues.
I know that the people in my family are "Sick"... However I guess that doesn't make it any eariser to do what we have to do to take care of ourselves... It funny because sometimes, I think my posts are "Uncalled for" I feel like i am "Bothering someone" with my "less then, worrisome life"...
I could now be more grateful that I joined this family, I see am inprovement in my life, and my outlook on Whats Next" in my life...
Sometimes we go so fast and things pass us by, and I worry that my family. "Sick Or Not" will do just that... Since I lost my AFather, I have learned so much about the disease, and I have had to admit to myself that I also have Not only the "Codepentant" TO the alcoholic, but the alcoholic... And that is hard to eat at times... I started drinking when I was 12 so I had lots of practice and plenty of of time to get it right...lol...
Thanks for your shares... I look forward to hearing from you always...
