The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Ab is sow low using all his will to get me to rescue him. He is threatening suicide etc etc. I am emtionally drained by his illness I drove him to a place where he could get help for his problems alocohol/cocaine use. There is a lot of emtional stuff to be dealt with too. He is asking for my supprt but even if he does stop using I can never be the person I want or live the life I dream of with him. I am tired of ignoring my own needs. It boils down to the same old thing me putting others needs before my own. I keep trying to be kind but he sees this as a weakness and manipulates me to meet his needs, lok after him.
Next step is to end it say what I mean mean what I say and leave him to HP. But I always answer the call or knock at the door cause fel soory for him.
I am sure you have heard the saying "Nothing Changes IF Nothing Changes" Well that would seem to ring true in what your are dealing with right now.. We all want to help them, but in helping them we are also Hurting them, by not letting them get on track with their OWN HP...
You have done good things for him, and now it is time for him to take the next step on his own, His choices he has to live with, and they are not your problems weather you love him or you don't...
If it was I, I would "Set him Free" to find his own way, and maybe once he does, IF he does, see what the future holds from there, I believe that people can change, but I also believe that if they can't do it on their own.. It will never happen...
Take what you want and leave the rest... One Day At A Time!!!! Friends in Recovery... Jozie
"healthy" kindness is never a weakness..... showing love for others in need, that doesn't demean or take away from you, is a good thing....
"unhealthy" kindness, can often be a weakness, that others prey on.... if you aren't healthy, then people, particularly addicts, will attack & take advantage of that weakness....
This is what Al-Anon is truly all about.... getting ourselves back to a health state of serenity where we can be ourselves again... where we can be kind, without fretting over the consequences... where we can trust our own judgements, and know in our gut the difference between right & wrong - both for ourselves, and for others....
If you are healthy, I don't think kindness can ever be a bad thing..... get yourself healthy.... that's the key....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I too thought that feeling sorry for someone was compassion and required that I be kind.
In doing my 4th Step I found feeling sorry for someone made me feel superior and because of that I needed to help to relieve my guilt.
Today I have true compassion I believe that everyone, including myself is struggling and doing the best they can.
If I can treat everyone with courtesy and respect, with no strings attached and no expectations I am living my life in a constructive manner. I cannot fix anyone but I can listen, be kind and draw boundries that keep me safe but does not block out the world.
I also think that for me, I needed to work to separate my feeling and thoughts of kindness and my ideas of what a kind act is/was. Actions and thoughts and feelings are really all different things. For me, they were all kind of sloshed in together. I needed to take time to really ask myself what is an act of kindness? How is it I think this particular action is a kind one and this particular one is not really all that kind? And how does this change in different circumstances? Its really pretty complicated and I made it that way! : ) So, I get in there and untangle some of that stuff. Yes, the self-inventory helped me a lot on that (4th step) one but its certainly on-going for me. I need to watch myself and slow way down. Great topic, btw! Jean
Recovery is about taking back your life.It's about living the life you so richly deserve, and living strong. Many years ago before I was with my A I was miserable. I had so many negative people around me that I couldn't take it anymore. I felt obligated to attend family functions with family members I really didn't care about. I though I HAD to do this because I was their cousin or niece, etc. I decided I had had enough. So I cut those people out of my life. Why would I want to spend time with people who were making me miserable? I had enough to deal with without them adding to it.
I didn't tell them that I would no longer be around them. I just politely declined any invitations that were sent my way. I did tell my sister why I declined them. I don't know if she told them. When I stepped away from such negative people, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
There are degrees of kindness, like the great way Tom put it. I have kept Tim's friend from rehab at a distance since Tim passed. I was not mean about it. I don't wish him any ill will. I just choose not to be involved with him at this time. I had to take a bit of a firm hand with him, but I wasn't cruel to him. My program gives me the strength and tools to do that. When and if I'm ready to see him, then I will. It will be on my terms, not his. You'll be able to do the same. I know it. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Good for you for reaching out. I bashed myself over the head with the next step for a long long time. I left the A when it was time. Before then I learned a lot of tools, detachment helped tremendously. Do you have getting them sober by Toby Rice Drew. That book is such a great find!
Do you detach. Go to www.coping. org and look at it. Taken me 5 years to get better at it. I turned the ex A over to his HP. What helped me ironically was to see there was no way this man should be alive. He had almost killed himself so many times. My sense of over responsibilty eventually evaporated.
Things don't change overnight for some of us. There is much you can do to make your road softer.
