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I am hoping if I post the goings on of my day today that there maight be others out there that have ESH that might relate. I am truly at a loss of what to do. I plan to call my f2f sponsor in the morning about this issue as well, but I figure the more esh the better!!
My AH told me today that he stole, little by little, $3000 from his job in order to keep his disease going.
He paid it back by writing a check against his credit card.
We had spent the last 1.5 eyars paying off all of his credit card bills. I never asked how much they were until we started paing them off. To my surprise they were 15,000. We paid them down to zero. We scimped and saved and sacrificed to do it. Mostly driven by me budgeting, cutting dowon on things, etc. I am "in charge" of all the bills. I gave him and myself a weekly allowance in cash so we didnt incur any more debt and could save as much as possible o pay down the credit cards.
Now we have this 3000 debt .
This fall he got a large check and cashed and blew it on booze and whatever before I even knew it came.
I realize that my life is no different today than it was yedsterday. My bank account hasnt been cleaned out. My lights havent been shut off. I have food in the refridgerator.
But I am at a complete loss of what to do. I worry that if he could steal from his job he could easily steal from our family account too. It is just a matter of time. I am afraid if I dont do anything I am going to be blindly sitting and waiting for him to take the food out of our childrens mouths.
Today I opened a checking account in my own name. My intention would be to pay our bills from that account (after transfering from our joint account once the direct deposit goes in) while leaving a small amount in the joint account so he would not know what I had done.
I am torn by this because I feel I should be honest with him ut I know he is not going to like this idea and will put up a fight. but how can I leave the three of us so vulnerable while his diease takes him places that we (my children and I) are not going to be dragged??
Is this a way to live (secretly doing things with the money without telling him)? I am feeling more and more like a doormat as these things keep happening
On my way to my f2f tonight I thought "I can love him and not be able to live with him like this" I have never thought of it like that before.
I need to spend time talking with hp on this issue. In the meantime any esh would be welcomed.
I understand the need to do what u did , be honest tell him about the account , explain that the joint account is for extras , with todays economy u feel better knowing that there is a separate account for bills and know that there will be enough to pay family expences . Let him be responsible for paying off his credit card , house hold money will not be spent to cover his debt ,he is a lucky man he could be in jail . Perhaps The greatest good for the greatest number applies here ? I too was confused about this situation but was told we have a responsibilty to see that gas , hydro , morgage payments come first , children deserve to be warm and fed and so by the way do you . Just my opinion . Louise
Never trust an untrustworthy person. The hard part of that truth is the fact that your AH is untrustworthy.
I know we, as alanoners, want so badly to trust and believe. We go right into denile so as to not have to deal with the pain that comes from the reality.
You've got your facts straight. You have taken action to protect yourself and you kids from your AH's disease. Those are positive things. YOur AH has behaved deviously, towards his employer and you. Therefore you need to take action.
Undoubtedly we can love our A's and not be able to live with the disease. When and if you come to that decision you will know.
As for today, I think it sounds like you are doing the best you can with what you've got.
I am sure that he will agree with you that the family needs to come first and be taken care of. I am sure he will agree on that. Then do the next best thing.
You both are well past the point of knowing that the disease has caused a bunch of problems and plans and changes have to be made. "The courage to change the things I can..."
First let me say that I pray your AH is committed to recovery -that the active part of his disease is done and over with - that both you & he will be able to maintain a healthy recovery relationship and work together to mend your damaged trust and marriage. I truly pray God's best for you and he.
Having said that - let me also say that reality for me was this did not happen - what happened was the harsh cruel facts of a legal system that did not protect me, my finances nor my retirement that I had worked so very hard all my life.
At this point in time after 16 plus years of devoting my life to a man who is an addict/alcoholic, after many, many relapses, promises of "trying again", rebuilding trust, blah, blah, blah - I am faced with a court date being sued for 1/2 my retirement, community property and even Spousal Support. This from a man who confessed to love me (ha?) and begged me to stay with him to "help him" thru these tortured years of attempting sobriety.
I did NOTHING to protect my financial security and retirement - I don't know your situation or what you can do, but you may want to look at some legal advice as to what you can do to protect yourself from being responsibile for the things he may do, steal or misuse. Regardless if you have any benefit from the money or not - you may be liable for any ill gotten gains from his work.
I say this not to discourage you - but only to share my e, s, & h to let you know that we can support and encourage our loved ones in a HEALTHY way - while we also remember to take care of ourselves!!!
Wishing you & your AH the very best, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One thing that helped me with anxiety was to make a plan be. I'm not saying to even think about executing one, just make one. Making one helped me to keep the focus off my fear and look at my reality.
I lived with an A who was irresponsible financially. The aftermath is incredible. I will be years dealing with it. I do it one day at a time.
realizing that i am not alone and that in a-lanon there are steps to take to keep the focus on me and my family. .. to help me understand the healthy ways of love and caring for them, and for my self. .. this ... gives me rest. gives me strength and gives me a kind of support that is so necessary to keep moving forward. to stay strong in faith and to keep HP/God nearer to me. im much more likely to remembering... to take deep breathes and let go of those things i cannot change, did not cause and can not cure.
i do hope....pray for... you to be able to locate and attend some face to face meetings for support too. having others (al-anon members) close to you during these times will only help you to be stronger. to focus on the best for you and for your children. that kind of support... from other members... like a warm hug ... a word of kindness ... and the feeling of not being alone does go along way! So glad your here . keep working it your so worth it!
having others (al-anon members) close to you during these times will only help you to be stronger. to focus on the best for you and for your children. that kind of support... from other members... like a warm hug ... a word of kindness ... and the feeling of not being alone does go along way! So glad your here .
keep working it your so worth it!
