The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In April it will be two years since I left the ex A. I physically moved out from him two years ago. About this time I was frantically working a really basic plan be. I have to say its taken two years to emerge from the grief, rage and shadow of his chaos. I think its also taken two years to let go, let go of the denial, let go of the what ifs and let go of that I let myself get to that place.
Now my first focus is my health above all. My health totally went down the toilet for years. I neglected myself tremendously. I am on Maslov's hierachy of needs, food, shelter (very perfunctory at best) health and support. Right now my support is not by any means where it needs to be but that has to come behind the issue of restructuring my health. The next month is a whir of appointments and attempts to get better. I have to work super hard not to over commit as that is one way I sabatage myself. Another way I sabatage myself is to try to jump the gun. I am where I am I have to start here and work from here. Of course I would much rather be in another place, healthy, relaxed and wise as well as employed but I'm not there yet.
I had no idea I was sabataging myself royally by continously jumping the gun. Every day I do as much as I can and turn it over. I make progress but its slow and sometimes glacial but its progress. I know there is absolutely no way I would even have got to here without all the love, support and understanding I have here.
Let me know how you sabatage yourself. I am looking to break my denial that I am setting myself up continuously.
Oh lordy, do I sabotage myself!!!!!! ALL THE TIME! Every single day.
I jump in and say and do things I should not. I am learning to just be still and silent more and more. Sometimes I still jump in, though. I usually get whacked somehow. i am learning.
I make decisions, moves, choices and actions impulsively and emotionally. I am learning to just be still and silent more and more. (see, there is a pattern here! HA!)
I am finding that presence and listening and hanging out, receiving and showing up are actions that are 100% worthy pretty much 100% of the time, these are safe actions for me. Talking, complaining, blaming, analyzing, venting, taking, making, forcing, are actions that require close scrutiny 100% of the time.
I never put all my eggs in one basket, either. For example: I have a good job. I like it and am grateful to have it. But if I lose it or get laid off, its OK. it won't crush me or ruin me or flip me out. I am seeing someone I love and like but if I never see him again, its OK. it won't crush me or ruin me or flip me out. I retain a perspective of the bigger picture. People are dying all over the world in horrible ways and have really treacherous lives and terrible conditions- my life is a walk in the park compared to so many. I am so very fortunate.
Twilight. Growing up. I don't have to do it all. I make choices. I can do whatever I choose. If things don't work out the way I want them to- so be it. Move on. Learn. Grow. Laugh. Embrace what comes at ya. Hugs, J.
Leaving the A was one small part of this process. I'm looking for ways out of my patterns of self destruction. He was not the only one programmed to self destruct. I know sabatage is a huge part of it for me.
