The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am an adult child of an alcoholic who recently started to attend Al-Anon meetings.
I am seriously thinking of not attending them any more. Many of the people at those meetings struck me as unfriendly. It seems that they don't welcome newcomers, and prefer to just stick with their friends.
When I announced that I was a newcomer, no one came up to me to welcome me. When I raised my hand to comment after the speaker "shared," she saw me raise my hand, then looked away and picked someone else. When I tried to introduce myself to some people after the meeting, they ignored me.
Now I know I'm not perfect - no one is, of course - but I really can't think of anything I might have done to offend those people; especially since I've only just met them! Perhaps I was too socially awkward for them. But surely people at 12-step meetings would understand this. I guess I just didn't expect Al-Anon people to be like junior high school cliques.
I guess it is hard for me to understand how anyone claiming to be "spiritual," and into talking about feelings and a Higher Power, could be this childish and bitchy. Especially since some of them claimed they have been going to Al-Anon for over ten years!
I will admit, however, that I did enjoy hearing the qualifications a lot. I could really relate to what the speakers had to say. I also learned a lot from them.
But I am still very ambivalent about continuing to attend Al-Anon meetings. I just don't feel I have much in common with most of the Al-Anon members - even if many of them have alcoholic parents like I did. Frankly, I can't stand them. I feel very scornful of them; especially since many of them are much older than me, yet behave like spoiled, cliquish children. I know they're dysfunctional, and I should feel compassion for them, but I can't. If anything, I consider it a compliment that they don't seem to like me.
I guess my question is this: has anyone else here had similar experiences with these meetings? If so, what did you do? Did you stop going? Or did you continue to go because you found them helpful, even if you didn't get along with most of the people, and simply tuned those people out?
haha, pretty funny but yes I can relate! I am ACoA, an only child and at the very least extremely a-social. I'm not sure how old you are or how many meetings u have tried in ur area or even different meetings, as each group seems to have a different feel. As with all things, u can find some better than others & even there are simply off days.
This site is fantastic, as it offers this active board but 24/7 chat room w/ two daily meetings as well.
I am sorry you have had some disappointing experiences at ur first meetings. That sucks. Most meetings, if u say u are a new comer, many people will talk to you, give u plenty of pamphlets and ask for ur phone number or offr theirs. When I first went to al-anon (in 1984) I sure didn't want anyone talking to me, greeting me or hugging me. I went for three years. Well, we don't graduate from al-anon and twenty years later, I came dragging myself back to the one place I knew others would understand, relate & accept me.
I hope u will use the board in the meantime, maybe u can find another group/mtg to go to. I too did feel like I wasn't really in the right place in al-anon b/c of my ACoA issues. I did attend some ACoA meetings & they were the best ones I ever found. It is n't that we are so different but we are, sorta, I get what ur saying.
I have found lots of acoa's here & in chat, so I like it b/c I am well understood. Also I love the mtgs here b/c it truly is anonymous, no one can see my face or license plate number, no one can see my cry or fidgit either. Maybe u would like the online mtgs too - M-F 9am & 9 pm EST in the chat room, also there are weekend times, u can get them in there.
I can honestly say, even though I had tons of books & al-anon lit, my program really took off for me once I got a copy of the book 12 Steps for Adult Children. There, I identified w/ the feelings, completely and I felt it truly began to speak to my issues directly.
I know you want help but remember, u can be here two days or twenty years, we are all just hurt human beings & none of us is better or worse than each other, here we are all equals. As they say, take what u like & leave the rest. If u find something that works for you, stick with it. Al-anon is desigend for us all individually to find our own "way". If it is right for you, it is all that matters. over the years, I have found that different things have worked for me at different times. And no matter how enlightened or knowing I think I may be at one point, we still get tripped up by our egos and have personality conflicts sometimes. Right now online is working extremely well for me & it's uber convenient.
Welcome to MIP and al-anon.
- a cyber friend in recovery
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Well, I think there are people everywhere in our lives that are like the people in your meetings. They are just not in meetings. We can't chose a different life, we learn to deal. Sometimes the challenges are what help us grow.
I've had similar feelings and experience with the alanon group in my hometown. And I know what you mean that you'd rather not go. I felt that way too. But I forced myself to go and I am learning great things at those meetings. As of yet, I have not found a sponsor, as I haven't found one person that I think would be a good fit for that job for me.
In considering that though, I realize that out of the 12-14 people I've come into weekly contact at those meetings, I've not found one person who I'd like to be my sponsor? The common denominator in that is me and I reflect on the fact that perhaps it is in my eyes that there lays the problem!
At my meetings there is a particular duo that always sit with one another, seem to always attend the same table, etc etc. They aren't particularily friendly or greeting to the newcomers, but will giggle and laugh and rub shoulders with one another, etc. They are clearly very good friends. They have multiple years in program. At first I was offended with this. Annoyed even! My feeling being that in order to get people to keep coming back is to befriend them, give to them, go out of your way for them, be sort of excessive in your greeting. I felt like as a newcomer I wasn't being treated very nicely either. That those old timers should be going out of their way for me. Don't they know how hard this is for me??! But I've kept going to meetings. I've started to contemplate that perhaps excessive doing for others, is the exact thing that us CoD's do that get us in trouble. And that maybe these people who are not bending over backwards to be gracious for my presence here and giving me the acknowlegement that I want (and need) so badly, maybe they have just learned to drop their CoD behaviour and maybe so, they are behaving in a much more healthy way, and my misunderstanding is solely my own perception. Maybe in a non-CoD relationship I have to earn their friendships?
At this point, I don't have all the answers or have it figured out. But I know I too spend much time thinking about this dynamic and my feelings about it. I keep going to meetings and each time I go I tend to feel more comfortable and more accepted. Maybe that means I am growing?
Welcome to the MIP family... I am sorry that you didn't have a good first meeting, but there are always options, you could find another meeting in your area, or just give yourself enough time, to maybe listen to what the people sitting at the meeting have been thru with their own struggles...
I know myself I was very lucky, My sister in law went along so we kind of hold each others hand thru the process, and for me that is wonderful, but I too was very intimidated at my first meeting! I was the youngest one there, and I don't want to say they was ruid, they would just running thier program from start to finish the way they had for years, and me being a new comer it took me a little longer to be able to understand what they were even doing... But they were very friendly, it is just I had my own shield up so that I couldn't get hurt again, because I didn't know these people, and well... "What was they going to think of ME?"... Now I know they think... And here stands another Survivor of the disease...
I was told that before I gave up on F2F meetings that i should go to at least (6) before i made up my mind weather or not it was or wasn't for me... And I am very glad I did, because after the 5th one I still wasn't really sure, and on my 6th one, Another person "That I hadn't seen there before" came and shared their story that day, and i realized right then and there... That I was right were I needed to be! I was right were MY HP wanted me to be... I have only been in the program for about 7-8 weeks now, but it has sooo improved my life, my outlook, my choices, my habits, and I even think My Marriage, "To which I thought was pretty good before"... So my suggestion is that you give it another try... I grew up a AcoA also, you will be suprized the friends you will meet, the people that will change your life and your way of thinking...
It truly is a wonderful program, and we all have bad days... It is when you except them and embrass them that you give yourself time to heal...Go to the online meetings as well and work this board... This board has saved me on more then one occassion... Just remember to "Let Go & Let God!" For that is really all the control we have, other then the choices we make for ourselves...
I wish you luck at your next one, Keep up posted on how you are... Glad you Joined us here at MIP... Love & Prayers... Friends in Recovery... Jozie...
I like the feedback you got. I didn't have it when I first got into Al-Anon and I had no understanding about alcoholism, recovery, meetings etc...
One of the first suggestions was 90 meetings in 90 days before making a decision about the program and me. It was also suggested "don't judge" and that was hard coming from the alcohol atmosphere I was living in.
Did I like everyone and everything?...not even. Was I the greatest person in the room when I got there?...not even close. I was also sensitive and self centered. I missed a lot of meetings because I wasn't listening open mindedly but sitting in my chair judging and building resentments and more.
I accepted that I was the new comer who came with a bunch of control issues and the lack of awareness even that others accept me on different levels and I don't get to decide how they do it.
Take the time to keep coming back with an open mind. Enjoy the "Newbie" stage with time you'll be amazed at the changes.
I would suggest that there certainly will be all types of people who attend Al-Anon, but for the most part, when we are ready to be there, we get a lot out of them.... The post below is something I posted awhile back on the very same subject....
Sorry you had a bad experience there - hopefully next time will be better, or perhaps a different meeting is an option.... For me, it was all about ME, and my readiness to be there....
Tom
Support of f2f meetings...
We quite often read posts on hear referring to either really good OR really bad experiences that people have had at f2f Al-Anon meetings they have tried. Some feel immediately welcomed and loved - others feel shunned and judged.
I'd like to offer my own personal experience, and then a few other comments/thoughts.
For me, I have never experienced ANY negativity at meetings. I have probably attended ten different meeting groups over the years, and found one as my "home group". I honestly believe, we get out of Al-Anon what we are ready to get. When I first attended, some eight years ago, I went twice, and then stopped going - deciding that these people were all "stuck", and it was a bunch of bitter old ladies complaining about their alcoholic husbands, and I wanted no part of all that..... I was different, I wanted to learn, grow, be positive, find out what I needed to do for me, etc.... So I left, and didn't come back for two years..... And I was miserable, and my life became even more unmanageable..... I finally went back, and found these same people to be wonderful, loving, caring human beings (boy, had they ever learned a lot, lol :)) - my point is - it was ME who wasn't ready before, not them.... In that way, we perhaps aren't all that different than our A's, in that if we aren't ready to find Al-Anon and are not "sick and tired of being sick and tired", then perhaps we aren't ready to get the value of Al-Anon. It has been my experience, from both myself and the dozens of friends that I have made in the program, however, that this is usually more about US, and our readiness, than it is about the "other people" in the meetings.
For those of you who really have had negative things come out of your Al-Anon meetings, I would simply offer you the encouragement to try again, and if possible, try another meeting, even if it means going a little further away.... I make the analogy of "being a Christian" vs. "being religious". A Christian loves their fellow man, regardless.... A religious person judges others, and tells them how they should act, or puts conditions on their acceptance. If you have had negative experiences at Al-Anon, I firmly believe that they stem from "people" acting out, and NOT the program itself.
There is my two cents on this subject....
Take care
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can relate. All I can say is this. The people in meetings are usually struggling just like I am. Fear, resentment, more fear, anger, more fear usually dominates my life so it MAY dominate theirs too. Meetings, for me, are about seeing that other people have been through what I've been through. To know that, I had to stick around.
Hell, I'm not one to talk. I'm like an armadillo right now--rolled up with my armor facing the world-but the 90 meetings in 90 days helped me in the beginning.
There was a saying going around my meetings. "Trust God, love the people". Human beings aren't perfect. In Al-Anon, it was when they all banded together for the meeting that a Higher Power was expressed.
I was very lucky because I was welcomed and loved unconditionally and connected warmly with different groups right off the bat. I also had the luxury of attending lots of different kinds of meetings in a very cosmopolitan urban place with visitors from all over the world passing through at different times. In extreme contrast, I have attended meetings in tiny rural areas where I was totally shunned and they never had had any visitors from outside of their local community. I have also attended very friendly small rural meetings, too. So, you just never know.
These are things we have no control over. Certainly they can have a positive and/or negative impact. All I have is my own experience which was positive at the beginning and I still feel like I can call on those people and am still connected to them even though they are 6 time zones away from me. I know that many many people do not get the help they need because of lousy meetings in areas where there are very few meetings. This is truly tragic and it makes me sad but there is nothing that I can do to change any of that. If people want a better meeting, they need to work to make it happen- splinter off and create another meeting, etc.
For me, I would never move to an area that did not have a wide variety of al-anon meetings for me to attend. I take my life choices that seriously now- I know what I need and that is high on my list. I would never move into a rural area that did not have good meetings. I would check it out ahead of time and do a lot of research (and I did before moving to the area I did relocate to). This is how important it is to me. Just my 2 cents. Jean
