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i met my husband 3 and a half years ago online. he's australian and i'm in the uk. he told me within the first couple of weeks that he was a recovering alcoholic. he's not had a drink since 1987.
from the begining he liked to have control over when we spoke and for how long. i was shocked at how needy i became, craving his attention even though the cutting comments were starting to happen more often. many times he would say 'this isn't working' and hang up on me. i would spend the next few hours highly anxious thinking this was the end. he would then contact me and tell me that he didn't mean the relationship wasn't working, merely the type of dialogue between us.
it seems he has this ability to make me feel vulnerable and lost. he will then go to great lengths to tell me i am over emotional and that i take things the wrong way.
he moved over here 2 and a half years ago and our online struggles became real life ones. he gets so wound up about the way other people chose to live their lives. to the point of him swearing and ranting on and on about them. if i don't give him enough attention (i have 2 teenage children aswell) then he behaves like a sulky child.
don't get me wrong though, he has worked hard since he arrived and has been fantastic with the kids. but if anything or anyone upsets him, it's me that gets all the flack.
i came home early from work last friday to discover a note from him. he had basically packed up nearly all his belongings and was gone. he said in his note he needed to get away as our problems were escalating. this i understand but not to leave that way. in his note he told me not to attempt to contact him.
he is back in australia now and contacted me via email 5 days later. he is living in a hostel and will soon be going to his mothers place. he is insistant that our marriage is not over and the first few emails between us were quite pleasant.
however last night i lost it. he regularly posts on a music site and having told me in the previous email that he had no internet connection at the hostel. i then see he had posted on this site around 8am. i sent him an email saying i was confused and he replied telling me 'not to worry'. i was angry and sent a reply saying i couldn't continue with this. i hadn't told him how hurt i was with the way he'd left and i guess i poured some resentment out in the email.
well this morning i find he has mailed me saying he knew i would be confused over his wording regarding the internet access but thought he send it anyway. he said we need to be honest and caring and not have bad contact. he also said we had survived greater obstacles than this (i'd like to know what!) and that we should have no contact again for a time.
i have replied saying i can't see any benefit in this and that i'm struggling too. it all seems to be about him.
i'm so very tired of feeling like this. thank you for reading and i would appreciate any input.
Welcome to MIP & al-anon. Get to a face to face meeting & pick up any & all the pamphlets on the disease they have... learning about the way the A manipulates, controls is very enlightening. It is a progressive disease and they are master manipulators & will blame you & try make u believe everything is your fault. They are expert at getting u to enable them. Get to mtgs, listen & learn.
This site is great, many archived posts to read & u can search by topic. Also we have a chat room that has two meetings daily & 24/7 chat.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sorry you are having such a ruff go of things, but like Kitty said I think you need to get to a F2F meeting and learn more about the disease... You best bet is to keep the focus on you and let him do what ever... Get the support you need, and the understanding that you will find here and at F2F...
Keep coming back because it works if you work it... Friends in Recovery... Jozie
thank you for your responses. i have looked up and found that there is an evening meeting near me on a tuesday. i will go. i don't feel strong at the moment and i think i will probably just sit and listen.
it all feels so surreal and strangely my family and friends are far more accepting of the situation than i am. most of them do not know that he is a recovering alcoholic though.
i swing between feeling incredibly angry that he has done this, to appreciating he hasn't seen his mum for 2 years (she came over in his first year here). he hasn't been back to oz since he arrived and i realise what a massive step he took in coming here for me.
he's taken on 2 kids, 1 dog, 4 cats and a whole load of fish. none of these would have been in his life had he remained single. he is brilliant with all of them.
2kids, dogs & cats & fish, etc, with whom he is brilliant....
........and a wife, with whom he is not brilliant. It is okay to acknowledge this. In fact it is necessary if YOU are to feel better and reclaim your own life.
"My head is wrecked" sounds to me like a pretty good statement of step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
It took me over a year in recovery to finally say to my sponsor - I think I'm only now realizing that even though he's sober - he's still an alcoholic. She agreed, and said, it's a very selfish disease, and a very negative one.
Alanon will give you the tools - gradually! there's a learning curve! - to address his behaviours in a way that is healthier for YOU. Let us know how that meeting goes - maybe go to a few online in the meantime.
There are a couple of sayings - cutesy, but rueful because there's an element of truth to them:
"If you take the alcohol out of the alcoholic, you still have an ick"
or
"If you take the rum out of the fruitcake - you've still got a fruitcake".
Be assured that what you are feeling is completely normal. I hope you keep coming back.
It's so frustrating and I've been there. I have to remember that I have been going through the same things the alcoholic has-the same stress, conflict, fights-and that means I need to take care of myself. I've spent a lot of time taking care of the alcoholic and forgetting I'm in trouble too. When I do, it spills over and comes out in ways I don't like. I never understood the slogan in the program "Easy Does It" until I'd been around a while. You'll hear this a million times ( I did) but it's like the instructions on an airplane. They tell you that if cabin pressure drops and the oxygen masks come down, parents with children should TAKE OXYGEN FIRST and then give it to their children. Unconcious parents can't care for a child.
And when I'm "nutty as a fruitcake" I can't care for anyone else effectively either.
my kids are keeping me sane in all this. they represent reality and what is good and wholesome about life.
but i love him too. i hurt because i know he is hurting right now. i have honoured his word and i now face a few days with no contact. you can't just switch off and this time 8 days ago, my husband was with me.
this is possibly the hardest thing i have encountered in my life so far.
Personally I think the hardest thing is being codependent. The ex A who I was with would come and go in the relationship. I accepted that for a long long time. Then I wanted more.
I must say it sounds incredible that he could up and go to Australia at no notice. Have you questioned that? I mean how did he get a ticket at no notice. Generally people buy their tickets some time in advance otherwise the cost is prohibitive.
The ex A I was with was always leaving, he got great leverage that way. I had terrible abandonment issues.
well we had an argument about 4 weeks ago. this one over him 'warning' me about one of my colleagues who is a lesbian. he kept making comments about how i should watch out and be careful. i was so angry about his bigoted attitude that when we did have a row i said the best thing would be for him to move out. he said he would, he'd get a bedsit in town. i told him that the conditions of his visa wouldn't allow for him to do that. this is when i believe he made the decision.
part of me feels he had no choice but to go. he has never left me before and our contact was always regular when he was still in australia.
i do have abandonment issues. i was adopted and being left is not something i handle well. but, i have been left before and i survived.
today i feel stronger and calmer. 2 of my dear friends have said they'll attend the first meeting with me. they have an alcoholic son and lost a close friend to the disease so they understand.
thanks for all the replies. i know this rollercoaster ride is far from over and my next post may be full of confusion and worry.
