The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Okay my dear family I need your help. Most of you know that my brother-in-law is an addict (to what I am not sure - painkillers, crack? not alcohol). Several years ago he burnt the garage down because he was making crack. One of the fire fighters said they had never seen a fire burn like that. Thank goodness the garage was not attached to the house? My sister threw him out and gave him an ultimatum. Get help and work on the marriage or else. It sort of worked. The "bad friends" stopped coming around. But then other things started happening. Typical addiction story.
My oldest niece (17) remembers her Dad asking her to pee in a cup because his was contaminated. (She said no - fail it!) He obviously started using again. This area being a small area alot of addicts know each other. My Tim asked my brother in law "Joe" to go to meetings with him. He declined because he said thay they were depressing. He showed us how he cheated on his drug tests. Tim stopped coming over with me because he was uncomfortable around Joe. He knew he was still using and while Tim wasn't a drug addict, he knew so much about what Joe was doing that he just didn't want to be around them. This is also one of the reasons why I set very clear boundaries when I go over to their house during the holidays. This is also the reason why I steer clear of them most of the time. You never know what kind of chaos is going to insue.
I've tried for years to get my sister into Alanon. She insists she doesn't have the time. She is very codependent and has many issues herself that need to be resolved. She is both physically and emotionally unhealthy. But I realized that I could not make her recover. I could lead by example but that's it. Fast forward to the other day. The parents have always insisted that Niece #1 "fix the family". Since when is it a 13 year old's responsibility to fix the family? This has continued to this day. There are instances of physical abuse to both the girls when his temper has gotten the better of him. I am not talking everyday. But still to me abuse is abuse. It is a very unhealthy family.
She finally had enough and moved out of the house into her boyfriend's place. (He's a great guy and his mother is the best. They completely understand the situation. ) Her father was screaming at her and pulling her hair while she was driving. Mind you there was a 12 year old in the back that she was babysitting. This poor one was terrified that they were going to die. Mind you, a car ran a red light. Normally this would have been a bad thing, but if it didn't it would have hit the car Niece#1 was drving and that could have been disasterous!
Now my sister is hysterical. She understands why she has moved out. But as I have said before there are issues with my sister that have nothing to do with addiction. Both Mom and Dad are in desperate need of counceling and parenting classes. If there was ever a classic case of who needs to work a 12 step program look at this family. The other issue is Niece #2. She's the spoiled one. Her ungreatfulness at Christmas was sad to see. I love her, and am trying to be loving and supportive of her. Heaven knows I don't know how to be a parent. I don't know that I could do it better than they are. However when Niece #2 calls her sister to ask if she can have her mirror because she's moved out or tells me that she gets her way if she has a fit - I have to draw the line. I shake my head in disbelief. She has always known since she was 5 that if she throws a temper tantrum she gets her way. It's not all her fault. My sister when she tries to discipline her, she runs to her Dad. Then a fight insues. Then Joe throws me in my sister's face. Tells her the reason why Niece #1 spends more time with me than her, is because I am more sane or whatever. That doesn't help the dynamic between my sister and I. On and on it goes.......
Here's where I really need your help. I want to call my sister and tell her how sorry I am this has happened. I also want to try and talk to her about what is going on. A huge part of me says it's none of my business what's going on. At the same time I am worried about them. What's it going to take for her to wake up? Another fire - only this time the house?
My sister is in denial. For her it's all about what the neighbors will think. What makes this all so frustrating and scary is that these are not bad people. True if my sister and I were not related we probably would not be friends. That's because we are just so different. Not because she's awful or I'm better than she is. She's got a great heart and a kind soul. Truth is, if Joe was sober he'd be a great Dad. I know there's goodness in him too. I just want to slap both of them and say "Wake up - your family is in trouble! Both of you need help." It will do Joe no good if he gets sober and sister does not have a program of her own in place. What does Abbyal always say about coming home to the old idea -me? So true. I was the old idea Tim was coming home to.
Any suggestions on how to help this family? Or can't I? Do I have to be resolved just to help my niece? She likes coming to this board and already has a recovery book. I know she will be okay. I don't know about Niece #2. Maybe it's too early. Maybe I won't be able to reach her until she's older - who knows? As for my sister? At what point did you wake up and realize that you needed help too? I'd be especially interested in those of you with children. What was the wake up call for you? Thanks for all your love and support. If you could throw some prayers for my sister's family, I would appreciate that. Love and blessings to you and your families. Love to the Alanon pets as always.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You know the answer deep inside of you for you are a truly well programmed girl.
You cannot do anything to make them change if they do not want to change. All you can do is support where you can by being YOU. Your niece is lucky to have you and you sound like you are doing good there.
You know that the others will want to change in order to come and take up your experience and caring support. The other niece needs to want to come over and be helped before you can help.
This is awful and I feel for you. I have the same in my own family. All I can do is pray and follow my programme and lead by example and hope that they will ALL wake up to what is wrong in their family and relationships and acknowledge that they need to change something in themselves in order to begin living a better life.
You, Karilyn, have most certainly got my prayers all the way. You, in my opinion - and it is only my opinion, can only do something to help if the help is acceptable to the other person you want to help. Your responsibility stops there, as does mine in my family situation.
It is a mess, it is choas, it is sad, it is painful to sit and watch, it is hurtful when your help is not received, but the adults in the end are free to make the choices. THAT you CANNOT CHANGE. You can let the youngsters know you are there for them, should they chose to ask for your help and you can lead the way to Alateen and reading and let them know you care, but YOU again are in a difficult situation being Aunt and not Mother.
Reach out where you can, but do not let the rejection cut you up. If by reaching out you find the rejection is cutting you up too much, then you will have to step back and wait.
So sorry to hear that you are going through such heart ache here. Believe me when I say I feel it, and hear it.
Take care of you Karilyn...you have a lot to deal with in your own situation. Please ignore what you find is not acceptable and accept it all as being offered in love.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Sounds as tho YOUR SISTER has alot going on!... I too an a Sister to several A's, My own blood...ANd I too have went to my Abrother many times and told him of his ignorance and what he was doing to his kids, and how it hurt them so bad that they was lossing their love for him and the whole 9.... his first reaction was to hate me of course! Second once he got out of my face, he went straight to the nearest drug/drink that he could find to "Get over it" or "Make it go away" so he thought, and i have not joined this program myself untill Jan of this year so I am New to the board but not by know means New to alcoholism...
Your Nieces...I have one I worried about for years, still do of course, she just graduated last year, got with an Addict, he got locked up, still incarserated, she moved in with his mother so she could still have contact with him...She just called me yesterday to tell me that she is moving back closer to home, she realized after a reset car accident that she didn't want to waist her life "Waiting" on some one to get out of prison in order for her to have a beautiful life, (I) would have never thought it would be this soon, she is not doing drugs or drinking in the last month...And she grew up in a house were the bar was ALOT of her up bringing... her parents BOTH liked to be there several times a week...So she had to go thru alot of things herself, as did I growing up with my A-father...
My thoughts would be to talk to the girls for they are old enough to know what is going on... If you can extend your home to them so they feel safe, or talk with them and get them to al-teen, that may help them a great deal...
However you also have to let your Sister find her own HP... I have a little sister that I worry about ALL the time... I have told her of all the great people here, and I have giving her the info she needs to make her choices, I have offered her to join me & my sister in law at F2F meetings, but I will not beg her because I want her to do it on her terms...I have to take care of me, and that is why I still work the program...I can love her to death, but I have to let her make her own choices...
My older sister, I worry about her drinking still, but I do sit and talk to her, all I can do is try to Lift her up when I am around to try and help some of the UGLY Go away... I can offer my thoughts, and my support but the choices are all hers...
Take what you want and leave the rest....I hope you find your HP leading you were YOU need to be... Good Luck...
I have that thinking problem too, I totally relate. I recently tried to "help" my son. I have found that my disease is triggered by their disease. I went running with my fears again, projecting into the future the worst possible scenarios. With that crazy mindset, I decided to play HP and "help."
Problem is, my son never ASKED for my help. The result was disastrous. "If you want to make an enemy, try to change someone." He simply won't come around if he feels judged by me. And I cannot live with that. My job is to use my program tools, and to keep my HP close (so that I can be close to the A's in my life.)
When I need to stop doing what I'm doing, I need to replace that activity (or pattern of thinking) with something else. Pick up the literature, get to meetings, take up my hobbies.... focus on ME.
Let go and Let God ((((Karilyn))))
Love, gladlee
-- Edited by glad lee at 12:39, 2009-02-19
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
What a wonderful job you are doing with your family staying hands off, not judging, knowing they are in the throes of the disease.
I am certain other people found it very hard to be around me when I was stuck with the ex A. I know too that people who are totally enmeshed in the disease don't necessarily want to get out of it. As you well know al anon is not for those who dabble in recovery.
I want to be there for you in any way shape I can. I 'm sure it is hard for you to hear all this stuff. I doubt very much if your sister is only concerned with what the neighbors say. My mother had that issue, her denial was legendary. Now I think her life was very sad and depressed. At the same time I know also that for me personally I have to really look at what can I do besides be a listener. I think you are doing a tremendous job supporting them, listening, not being judgemental, not getting invovled, not blamng and not guessing you know how to get them out of it.
Here's hoping the daughter's moving will be a catalyst.
You have received many wonderful replies and I hesitated to add my small comment but I thought it might help.
For the last 6 months at my Monday night meeting there is a young girl (20 something) who starts every share with the fact that she would not be where she is today without the help and love and concern of her Aunt.
She states her family was completely dysfunctional and her Aunt was the Oasis that she fled to for support and assurance. She also notes that her Aunt always told her about al ateen for many years but she was not ready
Now that she has finished college and out in the real world working and attempting relationships, she realizes the wisdom that her Aunt had tried to impart to her. Now at the ripe old age of 25 she is Brave enough to try alanon.
She always closes with gratitude for the "Ray of Light and Hope" her Aunt shone in her dark days.
Keep on doing what you are doing. It does not fall on rocky soil.
What occurs to me, love, **none of these things are your problems to solve.** Now, this may seem like a complete contradiction in what I usually say, but stay with me: for the most part, it seems, these girls are finding coping mechanisms on their own--one with her boyfriend, one with manipulating everything in her way. While not necessarily what we want for our loved ones, techinically they are coping. The other thing that occurs to me, and this is tough for me to say, is that al anon is not the solution for everyone. The fact is that some people would rather be miserable than take responsibility for their lives and learn to live in a different way. They have reached a level of comfort by being miserable (hence the phrase "misery loves company"). People who live in dysfunction also remind me of a barrell of crabs trying to get to the top: they claw on each other to get no where fast. I know in my parent's case, they want me to compensate for their lack of parents while allowing them to continue to treat me as a 4 y.o. Al anon is for us to learn how to deal with how others behave because others behavior effects us. This isn't to say that we aren't undone by people's behavior--but how we respond is our responsibility.
Tough situation indeed Karilynn, but I echo the sentiment of most of the others....
My two cents would be that if you need to tell your sister this stuff, for YOU and your emotional well being, then go for it... Just do your best not to tie it to expectations and the resulting disappointments and/or resentments if she chooses not to heed your advice....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
just love her/them through. Just love them and be available for the day when they/she is ready. that is all any of us can really do- be there when they are ready. The day will come Karilyn. Retain hope, always. Hugs, J.
