The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not new to the rooms of recovery but feel like I am due to the present circumstances. I had been involved a man for about two years. I thought he was probably the sweetest, most attentive and loving man I had ever met. I didn't see any signs of alcoholism or any other addictions, so I did not exactly proceed with caution. He was someone I dated in my younger years so the connection/relationship evolved rather quickly. There were many ups & downs throughout our time together/apart. He was still married when I met him but yet talked about divorcing and I had actually seen him fill out the divorce papers from the lawyer. He professed love for me and told me he didn't love his wife anymore and wanted out. I spent some months with him and finally one day he walked away after a very trivial argument. He sent me an email one day and basically told me that it was my fault the relationship ended. A few months passed and I found out that he had colorectal cancer in Stage IV, which traveled to his liver and 4 lymph nodes. He was in bad shape when we talked and on chemo. I ended up taking him into my home and breathing life into him. At one point we argued and he left insisting that I said something that I didn't. When he came to collect his belongings and I wasn't home, he called the cops on me (threatening to press charges). Eventually he came around again, and foolishly me, I took him back (he told me that he had the police complaints removed).
I stayed for some time with him and found it difficult, as it was always about HIM and could never speak up about my feelings or set boundaries. It was always a battle! Eventually I left him. I went to retrieve my mail one day and he AGAIN called the cops on me because he said I was harrassing him. I was beside myself. One day he left me an email basically demeaning me and threatening to get even with me. My friend called him and spoke with him and he apologized for his hurtful behavior, professing to love me and that he was just hurt over losing me. We then decided to go to couples therapy together. He admitted to the therapist why he had originally left me (because of the cancer) and admitted how wrong he was for hurting me with calling the cops (when I had never done anything wrong).
In December, he told my family that he wanted to marry me, and mentioned to me that he would have liked to do it around Christmas. We had a petty misunderstanding one evening and I walked away. One week later I found all this horrible stuff he wrote about me on the internet. A few days later I found out that he lied about leaving me for the cancer and found out the truth...that he went back home to his wife (who took care of him thru the surgeries preceding his cancer diagnosis). I was mind blown!
Recently I found out that my step mothers cancer spread and will die any day. I stupidly slipped and text him to let him know (since he knows my family for 30 yrs). I also requested back my belongings via email and internet. Over the last week, I have been hit with an order of protection by him. He lied and said I harrassed and threatened him and that I have a violent history (all Lies). I also found out (without looking) that he is already with someone else and had her flown up here on Jan 2nd to celebrate her birthday. Supposedly they are in love and talking about moving in together. I have to go to court in March to answer to these allegations and am sitting here totally devastated. He has gone so far as to ruin my reputation and told ppl that I am sleeping with my sponsor for money and a bunch of horrible stuff. I know that I am powerless. I have beat myself up over this relentlessly for not walking away long ago. I don't know what to do anymore. I am in so much pain right now and trying so hard to trust my Higher Power to fight my battles for me. Someone once told me that we sum up the first three steps as, "I can't, He can, so I will let Him." This is so hard!! I have difficulty sleeping. I find myself haunted as I feel so violated and betrayed. My sponsor told me that its not my fault, as he even had my sponsor and family fooled. I need to hear your ESH and I need help finding a way to see this that helps to lessen the pain and shame.
Thanks for taking the time to read this loooong and difficult post.
Oh WOW! I am so sorry you are going through this. I was married to a sociopath addict and the effects he had on me are still unraveling. Time, it takes time.
My HP takes care of me daily. Sometimes I have to do the footwork. I have to fight for myself and come to meetings and run things by other people to undertstand where I have to take the steering wheel and where I need to keep it on cruise.
Sounds as tho you have been down this road long enough and I am sure by now you are ready to return your own power to yourself...
I know if it was I and I had been thru the things I would defenitly find me LOTS of boundry's and make sure that I was NOT the one doing Any contact for any reason...
You did what you could, and your right you need to give it over to your HP and put it in his hands... A Face to Face meeting might help you also get over this "Bump in the Road"... As we all say...This too will Pass...
However... "If nothing Changes...Nothing Changes...." So good for you for making a change!
Glad you found us... Keep coming back because it only works if you work it! Friends in Recovery...One day at a time... Jozie...
I was trying to figure out what the fear was behind my inability to "really" let this go. I think it has something to do with trusting my HP. I guess I feel like I need to know that my HP (that I view as a parent) isn't letting my abuser get away with what he did. Right now it seems like while I am sitting here doubled over in pain, my abuser is having a good time slandering me and making love and being loved by another woman. There is such a feeling of injustice and hurt for me. I know when one of my kids hurts any of the other kids in our family, I dont let them get away with it. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior in our home. I am strugglilng to trust my Higher Power. If He isn't going to protect me or give any consequence to my abuser...then I really don't really understand my HP and don't know how to recover from any of this...Its just like being back in my dysfunctional family of origin.
Oh Yes. I have been there. Let go and let God get him is what was once said to me in a meeting. It may not happen in my time frame...I want him to pay TODAY for the pain and injustice....but it will happen.
In the meantime, I will concentrate on myself, living a really good life, being grateful for what I do have, and the less I focus on him, the happier I am. Your HP is there for you. And in time, these resentments will fade in the light of your life.
Acceptence of where I am in this moment, wether that be in a pool of resentment, fighting with my urge to retailiate, or grieveing the loss of what I thought I had, helps me to get beyond those feelings quicker.
Saved by Grace, I realize that the emotional trauma is great. This too shall pass. Eventually you will look back on it as a memory, albeit not a good one.
When you go to court it may be a good idea to arm yourself with character witnesses, any e-mails you may have etc. Trust in your HP but help him out by doing some footwork.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks Christy. I have done all my footwork. I have copies of all phone records (cell and landline), which show that I haven't phoned him since the break up. I only emailed and text messaged him in regards to my family members health and the request for my personal belongings. I also have 2 teaching licenses in 2 states. I have 3 people willing to testify not only about my credibility, integrity and character, but about his lack of credibility and emotional & mental instability. I am hoping at best to be able to show the judge that most of what he alleges is heresay and to be able to disprove the rest with documentation and testimony of witnesses.
Its hard to believe that someone who told me that they wanted to marry me in December could be so malicious and vindictive. I don't understand him and possibly never will. Its a bit difficult to recover from at the moment. The outcome, I must turn over to my HP. I am praying that my abuser will be healed of whatever internal pain he is prisoner to and that he possibly find his way back to his HP. This is the best I can do at the moment. It is difficult to wrap my mind around the reality of what is, as opposed to the perception I was manipulated into believing was real. I wouldn't want to see anyone else suffer like this. I hope that this person gets a conscience call and repents. Can you blame me?
