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I'm new to this board and am seeking advice regarding my alcoholic son. The behaviors he has engaged in, in our home over the last 4-5 years have completely overcome my life and my husbands. He has serious resentment issues with me which I am having difficulty understanding his perception. To further complicate issues my family, mother father and my sister have validated his opinions because they did not see the addictive behavior.
All of a sudden this October they realized that he has a big problem with addiction. This revelation came after we threw him out of our house because of the disruptions and constant conflict our immediate family had to endure with my trying to control his behavior. He refused to go for help. He's 22, claims to be an adult however continually runs from responsibility.
My parents and sister have taken him in and he did engage himself in therapy. He continues to not want a relationship with his brothers or us which we have accepted because my husband and I have been going to al anon type meetings for the past 2 months and recognize that we have to heal ourselves and that we can't control it, didn't cause it nor can we cure our son. At the same time we are understanding the behaviors of addictive people and have been taught that to love is to not give---ie do not be manipulated. Our therapist says---manipulation is like a cow---they go to where the grass is green and moist.
We have asked him to come home so we can work thru this therapy together however he does not want to. He has made two phone calls to over the past 2 months. He tells us that he has moved out of the house and doesn't have any responsibility to us any more.
The first time my son called home ( about 4 weeks into therapy) he was so sweet on the phone and really fooled me into thinking that maybe he was coming around from therapy. He ended the conversation with --you know those passes you bought me and my girlfriend for Christmas--if you still have them--can I have them so he could go snowboarding. Foolish me says yes expecting when he got here to get the passes he would be --hi mom --how are you? Thanks for the passes--things are going well and maybe soon we can work on our family relationship. This was a first for me so now I know never to expect--.
In any event he arrived---none of the converstion I thought was going to happen happened ---as you all probably figured. It was --where are the passes and goodbye.
The second phone call came just yesterday to my husband.
Keep in mind that our son is in a 8 week outpatient therapy program --for 3 hours --3 days a week. This is his last week. Has no interest in working or doing anything productive. He has been sleeping on an air matress for the past 2 months in my sisters basement.
This second phone call was to ask if he could go get his bed out of an apartment my husband and I are paying for because of a lease at his college. He did not return so we have been continuing to pay the lease because our name is on it. Initially, we asked him to get a job to help contribute to this expense of 800/month and he refused to help with the payments. He has spent any money he had access to on "fun things" and now has 8 bucks in his checking account.
Our response to him was NO. You have chosen your living arrangements and if you need a bed --get yourself a job and provide for yourself now. My sister understands where we are coming from however my parents are budding in again. They continue to undermine what my husband and I say which continually validates my sons negative behavior toward us. They call us heartless and say a bed is a necessity. They are going to purchase him a bed. I realize that my husband and I can't control their behavior but I need feedback on whether or not our decision to not give him the bed with the intension to provide for himself now was the right decision.
Welcome to our MIP Family... I can not tell you if what you did was right or wrong, but I can tell you that you have to keep the focus on yourself and your husband, Your son DID chose where he wants to be right now, so Let him deal with his choices, he is an Adult, weather he choose to act like one or not...
This is a wonderful family, and wonderful program, and keep going to the Al-anon F2F meetings they too will be a great help in getting you back on track and will be a great support system for you! In here we like to remind ourselves to "Keep it Simple, and Take it One Day At A Time"... That is really all you have control over anyway.
IF your parents chose to jump in and be his new enabler, they have that choice, they will soon see what they are doing. We all do!!!! So just take some nice long deep breathes, keep your focus on yourself and your HP, and I am sure he will lead you were you need to go! Your Son will find his own HP when and ONLY When He is ready...
Personally I think your doing great , you have set boundaries keep them in place and u will be fine . this disease is called by recovering alcoholics * Cunning -Baffling -Powerful * three words I ahve a great deal of respect for today . Can u not rent his apt to relieve yourself of the financial burden ? Your parents will have to learn the hard way just like u did , u don'thave to defend your decission to anyone or justify . good luck Louise
Thanks for getting back to me--sometimes you need a little reassurance. I just read in another post " When you do for me that which I should do for myself, you make my failure complete" which also helps to keep things in perspective. Thanks so much~~~~~~~
I would say you're doing really well for just starting out down this road. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch your child go through this. For me it was my ex husband (and every other man I dated prior to now) and that almost tore my heart out. I have 3 kids and I hope they all turn out fine but we can't predict what will become of them. If one of them develops a drug/alcohol problem, I hope that I have the strength to stand back and let them find their own way. I have learned a lot here about what is loving and what is enabling and it's a fine line for sure. In the past I have asked these questions too but have come to find my own definition. I go with... if it belongs to you then you can have it. If it belongs to me and I really don't care whether you have it or not then you can have it. If it belongs to me and giving it to you would put me out you can't have it. That's worked pretty well for me. I try to think in terms of ... would I do this for a stranger on the street? For a client of mine? For someone I'm not as emotionally invested in. If the answer is yes then I classify it as basic humanity if it's no I put it in the enabling file. With my ex, I don't give money, I don't even give time anymore, I ask who is this benefiting? If he wants to see the kids is it benefitting them or him... etc. I have found a lot of times that I have given in just to placate him and get him off my back. That's something I have to watch for and realize all I have to do is hang up the phone and the issue is done.
What a normal post from a new member suffering from the effect of alcoholism in her life. Every part of it was normal; not natural or positive and fun loving just normal for alcoholism.
That you and your husband have decided to jump off of the merry-go- round and go somewhere where you can learn how to live inspite of the disease is wonderful. Good thinking and good decision on your part. If you expect self centeredness, spitefulness, arrogance, anger, blame, irresponsible thinking, actions and feelings from your alcoholic son you won't feel soooo surprised and crazy. You are dealing with the most cunning, powerful and baffling disease in existence.
Continue to go to your recovery meetings and let the rest of the family discover for themselves what they need to discover. This program is about progress not perfection. If you make/made a decision stand by it and feel good about yourselves. If you decide to change the decision do it for "right" reasons and continue to feel good about yourselves. In time you'll learn more and decision making, feelings, motivations and the like will fall into place regardless of whether your son continues to drink or not.
Keep coming back. Guys also post here so husbands and Dads are welcomed also.
......the behaviors he has engaged in, in our home over the last 4-5 years have completely overcome my life and my husbands.....
Hi Sower.....I too have an A son...
This quote from your share says it all to me.
As parents we become so immersed in their disease that we lose sight not only of ourselves but other loved ones, and friends, around us.
This went on for far too many years with us....with a lot of damage done along the way.
In March last year, when he had drunk himself practically to death's door, he cried for help. We took him 100 miles away from home and into a 24 wk rehab, and only then did we as a couple have a breathing space for the first time in years. When we admitted him there those wonderful people told us, your son is safe with us, go home, look after each other....it took weeks to be able to breathe more easily, to loosen the knot in the stomach
He relapsed in October, but I feel those few months of respite gave us a chance to re-connect with each other, with our family and friends and through educating ourselves about this hellish disease, we now have boundaries in place which we are sticking (sometimes with great difficulty) to.
Because I was sinking fast after his relapse, I have been putting a lot of work in on detaching from this disease....I found these great guys here at MIP one dark day in January and through their friendship and wise words have found a serenity which was sorely needed. They encouraged me to try a f2f meeting and I have been to two and will go again.
Please keep coming back, the ESH here is inspiring.
I am also the mother of an addicted son, we have been through h#ll for the last ten years and my AS still wants to manipulate me through just giving me enough of hope to keep trying with him. This meant paying one more power bill, buying food, etc. It is a vicious cycle.
You must do what you think is best for yourself and your husband, I have been taken to task by well meaning relatives that didn't understand the whole story, they do now, and don't want anything to do with my AS.
My AS has caused so much pain, shame and anger that our family will never be the same, I have accepted this. Now I am trying to just find some peace and healing, focusing more on my husband and youngest son.
You must survive, our addicted sons have made their choice and now we have to make ours.
Yes it was. Have you read Getting them Sober. I'd highly recommend the series by Toby Rice Drew. Your parents may continue to what they do. Addicts are pretty good at creating a support system for themselves. You'll need a support system too to hold a hard line.
