The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in need of some encouragement and e,s & h shares. As I have posted earlier my dry drunk AH left Valentines Day eve, because he once again was trying to control people places and things, mainly my 11 year old daughter who he asked Do you want me to leave? She said yes and he left. I was so relieved and my mom and daughter all had a meeting and agreed it was time for him to go.
Now he has started his calling and reeling me in routine that has worked countless times before. I feel myself weakening, because I feel so lost without him, but I quickly remind myself of the control issues which are still present. He called 3 times last night when I went to my f2f meeting and talked to my daughter. I have to remember my boundaries. I have asked him to get a job and he hasn't made any attempt to do so. He also doesn't let me go to f2f al-anon meetings and doesn't like me getting on-line. I have freedom now that I didn't have before, I must remember that.
HIs controling is frightening and more demeaning was last night all he was interested in was sex, talking about (or threatening) that I didn't want him going to someone else for that, did I?
I had thought I would give it some more time before a divorce to see what happens, but now I'm thinking this guy isn't going to get it with out a divorce decree, so now the next step...
I also need to set boundaries about him calling and talking to my daughter and 86 year old mother about my whereabouts. It's none of his business. We are seperated, or so I thought. He's the one that walked out, although I was glad to have him do so.
I still have the residual left over "I can't do this without him" that rears it's ugly head from time to time since he left. I did go pick up an application for a job yesterday and am trying to figure out how I'm going to take care of my 86 year old mother, 11 year old daughter, our home and myself all at the same time. I know my HP will show me the way and the more I post here and get to my meetings, on-line and f2f the more sane I will feel and the confident I will become.
Pray that I will be strong and set the boundaries with this manipulative husband. I'm sure he is scared of losing his easy ride that he's had so far. This is the end of the road, bud. Sorry but your going to have to get off.
Java, I can remember that huge hole that substituted for my exAH- they are larger than life and leave giant holes in their wake. My best thoughts and wishes are with you. I know how hard it is to live with a giant hole in your life but I learned and now its a lovely piece of real estate all around me and if you choose to, you can also cope with the hole and turn it into something much much better: a room with a view, a field of daiseys, etc. Nothing changes if nothing changes but you know that already!! The choice is yours, good luck. Jean
Well I know in my past experiences, you are right were you need to be... You have made the steps to make him make his own steps... As for him "Going somewere esle" well like you said... That would be his choice reguards of what you deside,
We all have to make our own choices, and knowing that you are supported by your RIP famly & your F2F family, has to feel pretty good, but it is your decission...I think it is great that you are sticking to Al-anon and allowing it to work for you, Now you just have to "Work It"...
You must also look and listen to your daughter, she has to be there also. And her best interest should also be considered...
Take what you like and leave the rest... My thoughts and Prayers are with you... Keep coming back... Jozie...
Aloha Java...You are not alone when you have your face to face and MIP family members. I told my alcoholic that I was giving myself a couple of years to work on myself before I made any important decisions for my life. (didn't have to think that one up myself...heard it in the meetings... hah!!) I told her that I would contact her when I started getting close to answers for me and that work for pretty long time until I relapsed...and then recaptured my program and continued working toward my own life needs.
"He's reeling me in again..." is a great metaphor statement for me because from time to time I fish. Some times when I am reeling them in the fish will just "spit the hook" back at me and leave.Those times when the barb on the hook isn't deep you can do that..."spit it out" and go do what you need to do for yourself.
You have the picture regarding recovery...good for you.!!
The A who I was with still calls. I know how intrusive that is. I certainly felt I could not manage without him for a long long time. I kept up contact for 9/10 months after we separated.
There is no forcing this process, no shoulding yourself. You know when you are "done". At the same time detachment is a great tool.
The more I detach the less personally I take things.
The more I detach the better I am at taking care of things one day at a time. The better I take care of things the less I panic.
Of course you have a full plate, we all do. We all imagine we cannnot do without them. I know I do well without the demands, the demeaning and the insistent claims on my time and energy. I did not do well without a home. I hope you can access all the help you can.
Try if you can to make today the day you are going put Java on the top of your list. Alanon suggests we make no major decisions for six months until we've got some good solid program under our belts. Are you and your daughter attending meetings? They helped me (twice a week) get through the tough days. I now go to one meeting regularly. I love them and need them.
I hope the below helps, yours in recovery,
Maria
Alcohol's Promise:
I am more powerful than all the combined armies of the world.
I have destroyed more people than all the wars of the nations.
I have caused millions of accidents and wrecked more homes than all the floods, tornadoes and hurricanes put together.
I am the world's slickest thief; I steal billions of dollars each year.
I find my victims among the rich and poor alike, the young, the strong and the weak.
I loom up to such proportions that I cast a shadow over a field of labor.
I am relentless, insidious and unpredictable.
I am everywhere; in the home, on the street, in the factory, in the office, on land and in the air.
I bring sickness, poverty and even death.
I give nothing and take all.
I am your worst enemy.
I am alcohol.
I am patient and I am waiting. ~Anonymous~
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I still have much growing to do and a lot to learn, but over the past couple of years I have made a few discoveries that I am certain of. First and foremost, if you make an honest attempt to do the right thing, whether you want to or not, your HP will take care of you. I believe this with every ounce of my being. Secondly, it truly is one day at a time. I try and keep my focus on what is immediately in front of me. Not an easy task. Once I start projecting into the future, I am a wreck.
When my ah left our home ( I told him to leave) , it took me a while to realize that it really wasn't his presence I was missing. I was missing the life I wanted, and the life I was in the delusion I had for the many years I lived in denial. He gave me financial security and a "family unit", but I was dying inside, and he was too. I needed a new beginning.
I am glad you are back online and getting to f2f meetings. You can do this, Java.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
