dealing with death... I want to run! - Al-Anon Family Group

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

dealing with death... I want to run!

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lou,

As someone that has lost a child I guess I can comment on this one.
Your card does not have to have lengthy writing in it. It just matters that you took the time to acknowledge their loss.

something like....

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this very difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Lou)))))

Some close friends of mine lost their 16 year old daughter exactly five years ago. I learned alot from the experience about how we all handle death in different ways. Some who seemed close to the family appeared apathetic and others who seemed to not know the family well were devastated. I think that people were for the most part doing what they needed to do to take care of themselves. Some of them could just not go there because of their life experiences. Many of us wondered about losing our own kids. My friends were shocked at what some people said to them in good faith.

I think that there are many ways to support a family going thru a crisis. Some are up front at the funeral and others are behind the scenes. I do not like going to funerals for people I don't know or have not interacted with. I send cards with money or food for after.

In support,
Nancy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow Lou!!   I thought I was analytical... I learned to bring it down to
the feelings first and you so clearly got the pivitol one...Fear. I was
speaking with a neighbor this afternoon who is a retired counselor, about
the "Flight vs Fight" responses I have had to my fear and I get to read
about the "flight" characteristic reading your post. Part of the flight
character was evident also in my perfectionistic, "I don't know exactly
what to do here or how to do it." Self conscious fear for me. I use to
excuse and/or justify all kinds of stuff and then miss the event only to
of course go thru the guilt and shame later.   Damned if I did and damned
if I didn't thinking. However way you do it you're gonna be okay.   If you
choose the consequences you want to get before the decision you'll make
the right choice. That was a big lesson for me in Al-Anon. If I wanted
to show compassion and empathy along with support...I went and then
I left. If I offered a card I used the best condolence I thought appropriate
and sealed the envelope and was okay with me. If I didn't know what to
say I could and would ask others (Like Christy) and used their responses.
That's what others are for...support.

I learned early on in this program that recovery was a "simple program"
for complicated people". It taught me to turn alot of my analyzing over
and just go for the outcomes.

You'll be fine. (((((hugs))))) smile

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I work a lot with teens, many of who are grieving all sorts of stuff and 99% of what really matters is simply showing up. When I have lost loved ones and/or family members close to me I look around to see who is there. Who is standing in front of me at this moment of pain and loss? Words, etc. do not matter as much to me as actions- or, more accurately- words are secondary to actions. J.

blender_girl · Senior Member

(((lou)))

I think you have answered your own question:

'An email has came today with the details of the services and requests for help. I am thinking maybe I can put my efforts out in that way, and thus support with my presence and help, but be "busy".

I'm sure anything you do to show your support directly or indirectly will be appreciated by the family - whether it's helping out behind the scenes or formally attending the services. A simple card is also a great idea.

I find these situations awkward as well and usually end up trying to do something practical that will help the family - like putting together a dinner package that can be quickly prepared whenever they need it. If I can find the courage to go to the service, I go. If I see the family members around town, sometimes I will just reach out and give them a big hug. It all depends on what feels right to me at that point in time.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Personal experience here, Lou. As you know I live in the same little town as ex and his new whatever. When it comes to a sitch like this, I would and do opt NOT to go. I am not strong enough yet. I will be at some point. Not yet.

As far as paying respects to the family, I would send flowers, or see if they are asking for donations to any orgnizations like MADD and make a donation to that. The death of a child is especially awful and no one deals with that well.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Here goes...

I am so sorry for your loss, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help ease your pain and suffering. Either that or if I knew the child I would write about a fond memory of them that I have personally or how they touched my life in some way. Just a thought...

I don't go to funerals as a general rule. I like to remember people how they were when they were living.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

coming your way Lou,

in recovery,
Maria

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Lou)))),

My heart breaks for the family. I can't imagine loosing Pipers Kitty, lone enough a child. Christy got it right about the card. When I lost my beloved Tim last year, cards came from all over. Some were very hard to read. So I put them aside until I could handle it better. But the thought that someone took the time to do that for me meant the world to me. After loosing Tim last year, the thought of attending another funeral was unbearable. It turned out I needed to go to another one after that. I too lost my parents and grandparents early on. Death is never an easy thing to handle. We each handle it differently. There are some funerals I attend and others I don't. The fact that there were not many people at Tim's funeral didn't bother me. I was glad for the people that were there, but the fact that others did not attend was not an issue for me. I know they cared. They showed their love and support for me in so many other ways.

You have to be comfortable in what you want to do for the family. I would rather someone not attend because it makes them uneasy rather than having to worry about how they are doing at that moment. I remember my mother's funeral, I was busy attending to other people rather than myself. I ended up grieving much later. Do what is best for you. In the long run it will be best for their family too. Sending you and your family, and to the grieving family as well extra love and prayers at this time.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

You definitely have your reasons. I know I would be torn.

You know recently a neighbor had a stroke. He had not been very nice to me at all. In fact I'd say he went out of his way to be awful. So while I did wish him well publicly I did not give him anything to him. Normally I would. NOw I am much more measured in my response. I think its healthy that you are weighing your needs against the other people. The issue is you really have to be busy rather than look busy.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.