The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, to give you an update and summary. December 30th I asked my AH to leave the house after relapse after relapse. (He was sober for 8 years...relapsed over and over, went to rehab and then continued to relapse).
He has been out of the house since then and continues to be out. He has been sober so far, or atleast that I know of. We went through a very rough time in the beginning.....with him begging and pleading to come home. I was an emotional wreck as anybody would be. We have 2 small children at home, ages 2 and 4. But I remained strong, refused to fight and tried to maintain a productive relationship for the kids, even when he didn't. As time has gone on, I have become stronger and stronger. I started counseling. Now, I am so addicted to the "panic and anxiety" free lifestyle. I no longer worry about him coming home. I don't worry about where he is. I am slowly coming back to the person I was, getting excited about the things i used to. Stress free. Panic free.
He was in contact almost daily with the kids. He was coming to the house to watch the kids 2 days a week so I can go to work. Everything was working fine. I know that he was going to AA meetings. We are scheduled to meet with an alcohol therapist this weekend to help guide us through the next step.
But here I am.....feeling like I am back to where I was. Feeling those paralyzing feelings again and no matter what I do to get those thoughts out of my head...I can't.
Yesterday he told he that he would be over the house to see the kids. He had stopped by yesterday. He said he would be back today. He would come before going to work (he works nights).
Well, I haven't heard from him all day and his shift at work has already started. It is very unlike him not to call....unless he is drinking. I have tried calling his cell phone (which I shouldn't have) and there was no answer.
In my mind....he is drinking. In my mind he is dead somewhere. In my mind...he is passed out somewhere. And it devastates me. I feel that we have made some strides in the past weeks. I was looking forward to going to the therapist this Saturday. He is supposed to watch the kids this week so I can go to work. Now.....what do I do.
Please. I need to stop this thinking. I need to stop this fear and panic. I am convinced he is drinking.....and it will devastate me. I feel so sorry for my babies who adore him. I so wanted to work this out and save our marriage.
Please....offer any advice. SOme words of wisdom to change my way of thinking.
the words of wisdom that always tend to help me are those of the serenity prayer, that and "let go and let god" If your aH is any of the things you mentioned, drunk, passed out etc, there is nothing that you can do about it.
I understand your worry and how one episode of our A not doing as promised can snowball into a huge list of worries and questions about reliability for all other areas and dealings with him. Do you have a back up plan for childcare? My aH from whom I am separated watches my child also 2 days a week while I am at work and even though he's been reliable so far, i still have a back up plan if I need it, for childcare at a centre. It's one way that I've taken care of me, and it helps me sleep at night to know I will not be stuck for childcare or held back from work, because of A behaviour.
Well, sort of of a back up. My major problem is that I work 12 hour shifts...so there is no child care place that is open that long, nor would I want my kids to be there that long. I have people on back-up, but you know the deal. SOmething is always coming up for them.
I am telling myself that there is nothing I can do right now. Nothing. WHen my husband was sober for all those years....life was good. Its amazing how this sleeping tiger woke up and swallowed my darling husband. SO, here I lay in bed. Wondering where he is....and for all I know...he could be at work. Sober. But unlikely. He would have called to talk to the kids. Here I am bargaining again.
For me the best that has worked is what Rora mentioned...Serenity Prayer over and over and over if I have to and practicing, faith, with for me is turning it over and over and over. Reality doesn't live in my head...fear does and negative imagination. Meetings, literature, daily readings, sponsor, working the steps and traditions, taking the suggestions and practice of this over and over helped me to get out of my head...where nothing is real. I have learned to use my brain for entertainment only; sometimes funny sometimes frantic always fiction.
I will tell you a true story that happened to one of our Al-Anon members early on in my program. I was working as a dispatcher for the CA. Highway Patrol at the time and the Sunday before I got a surprising story that the husband of one of our members disappeared from the AA meeting held at the same time in the same place as our Family Group meeting. He was gone and so was the car and she was, as you are now, frantic and entertaining thoughts that "he went back out", or relapsed. She didn't hear anything from him for over two days and had called him in missing. On the Wednesday night next I got a call from one of our Highway
units who had stopped the car reported missing but not stolen and they had taken the driver and passenger out of the car and was holding it on the side of the highway until a tow came. While they were waiting for the tow they heard some thumping in the trunk and then a voice asking if the person could come out. The two officers opened the trunk and out popped the missing husband of our Al-Anon Member who had been taken "at gun" point from his AA meeting while on his way to the restroom to pee. They held him in the trunk of his car for almost 3 days, several hundred miles with stops only to pee, no food, cold and very hot and they didn't shoot him. When asked by the patrol why he didn't start hammering and yelling when they had the car stopped he mentioned that the two who kidnapped him (who were let go) were armed and one had an Uzi.
Our Al-Anon member got her husband back who said he never once thought of drinking during the whole episode, the car back, and a lesson in faith. Though her mind was telling her to think he had gone back out...she waited to hear from her HP and her alcoholic before making a decision. How do I know this story for fact? I was at the Al-Anon meeting Sunday evening and was the dispatcher on Wednesday. I watched it unfold and would have never ever thought it could or would happen that way. If it wasn't for being there it would have been the best excuse I have ever heard from an alcoholic.
So turn it over and let it come about the way it's gonna anyway. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems."
That was some story!!! Although highly unlikely and uncommon. I can almost bet that my AH is drinking and not in a trunk. It's the morning after and I still haven't heard from him. I guess I was foolish to believe that he would stay sober.
You are not foolish Canary. Drunk or not, you had great times with him sober. It has nothing at all to do with you if he drinks or not. Make a back up plan. And follow through. An active A is not to be trusted. And that will relieve some of your worry, not your grief, but your worry.
We all want the best for the people we love. But, their life is not ours to live or control.
You will be just fine no matter what he is doing. And yes, it will hurt (twice as much because of the kids involved) and it will get better.
I guess I was foolish to believe that he would stay sober. 