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After 4 weeks soul searching I have asked AH to move out. Predictably his response has been to hit the bottle, be unkind and engage in self-pitying behaviour while trying to persuade me into bed. I do want to continue our marriage but need some distance in order to cope with his drinking.
We haven't been intimate in a while and I really miss that but I haven't felt that I wanted to while I have been 'getting my head straight' and definitely don't want to now he is back on the sauce although I am lonely and miss that closeness.
I am at a friends at the moment and hopefully he will find somewhere else to be over the next few weeks so we can get some space and perspective and see what we can salvage of our marriage.
I have been working the programme and absorbing the wisdom of others on detachment and acceptance but I would like some input about intimacy. In detaching I want to ensure that I am not attempting to manipulate or control the drinking however if I refuse his advances when he has been drinking but intiate intimacy when he is not this could easily become or be seen as a form of control. But I want to maintain the intimacy within our relationship and protect it from being tainted by the other issues we are facing.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can ensure that I reamin detached from the drinking while maintaining a intimate relationship?
Personally, I could never compartmentalize that well. I thought I could and then I ended up with all sorts of resentments. For me, sex was connected to intimacy and trust. When I was no longer emotionally intimate with my A and certainly not trusting of him, then the sex was, well, it did way more damage to the relationship than not having it would have.
I would caution you to be very careful with your heart. If you are ready to let him go, then let him go. But if you only want to let go of the "bad" parts of him, then that is part of your disease.
This is a pretty common question and Ithink we have all been there , for me there came a time when I asked my husb to not touch me , if he culdnt come to our bed smelling of soap and toothpaste I just couldnt do that to myself anymore . there is nothing worse than the smell of booze coming out of every pore it certainly was not a pleasant experiece for me at all . he was only doing what alcoholics do , drink . You have the right to ask for what u need to contiue an intimate relationship with your husb and u have the right to say NO . Just look at your motives if it is a form of punishment or control it's wrong , but if you truly cannot do this anymore speak up . Louise
I don't find any thing wrong with that if you are comfortable with it. I do not engage in any sort of intamacy when he has been drinking. He is OK with it now, it took him a while to understand. I don't use it as a way to control him, if he is sober and we are in the mood great. That is part of my boundries. Good luck.
Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
My body is holy. If I need human contact and touch, I hire a wonderful massage therapist, exercise, swim, run, do yoga, etc. Eat super well. Only the best for me! Hugs, J.
My experience came over time...in the program...reading the literature... going to meetings and listening with an open mind...learing the steps and traditions...taking suggestions and...practice practice practice.
I learned another definition of love from another old time member. I learned how to be intimate with myself and much more intimate with my HP. I got to know myself better than I thought I knew my alcoholic and others. I abandoned myself to my HP and trusted without reservation. I chose to make physical intimacy a privilege between my wife and myself only and at the same time expressing the deep acceptance and respect for her that comes from diminishing my own need.
That whole part of my life kinda entered the twighlight zone and I'm better off because of it. Know what I mean? Anyone?
I began to experience detachment when I set boundaries & followed through on them... first it came as self esteem, then I got some detachement. Boundaries are to protect you, to give yourself a plan to follow (so u dont have to think about it, u can just act accordingly). They are for you and as they no longr suit you, you can change them.
Focus on you and determine what you need and want. If you don't stand up for yourself no one will. and hoinestly, much to my surprise, in general & most times, I felt like I was respected by others for my boundaries but I gained self respect, which is priceless.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
