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Hi everyone! This is probably my first time, posting, venting, etc about this. 16 years ago, when I was 16 years old...I had to come to grips that my sister, who I love and worshiped, was a drug addict/alcoholic. I think back then I was in denial, or maybe just didnt fully understand it. Thankfully she got the help she needed, went through recovery. She married a wonderful man, they had a beautiful house, and 3 awesome kids. Fast forward to about 9 years sobriety... She started to have a glass of wine here and there....before we knew it - she was cheating on her husband, and it ended in divorce and forclosure of the beautiful home they had. She had her 3 kids alone for a short time, then we as a family, advised her ex...he HAD to take them, period end of story. The alcohol and drugs once again took over her life. Now in my early 30s, I GET IT. I get that she basically gave up her kids, I get she was homeless for months, I get that I had to turn her away when she came to my house in the middle of the night for money, I get she robbed, stole, lied, begged etc to everyone she knows...include our 80 year old Nana. During the last 3 years, I have heard out of her mouth "I dont have a sister", she was the maid of honor in my wedding and screwed up so many parts of it (Thats another story for another day), I have become a mother to her children. All while she is miles away from them living the fun life with her BF. And the saga continues to this day.... The only difference now, is the person I used to call 10x a day, or hang out with 5x a week, is someone I just cant put that effort into anymore. I love her and always will, but when is enough is enough??? She calls me only when she needs something. Which is usually money!!! Im starting to also realize, that maybe she really has effected me more than I realize? Could I have all the anger in me because of her? I never evaluated any of this before and Im looking for answers!
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you go to Al-anon meetings? Did you do therapy? My whole family (2 brothers and parents) have also been affected...but Im looking to see what I can do now outside the family...when we talk, it becomes a bitch session about her and Im soooo sick of it. I just want to move on - still care about her, but stop being so pissed off!!!
There are other factors in my life that adds to my anger, that are not related to her, but maybe I need to face them one at a time...
Thanks for letting me vent, any similar experiences or suggestions.
You started out just fine! Welcome to Alanon! We are glad you are here. Keep reading, keep venting, maybe find a face to face meeting. The healing starts now.
Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
Alcoholism is a Family disease and affects the entire family. You are in the right place. You are correct when you stated that talking in the family about the problem offers no solutions.
This is where Al-Anon comes in. In Al-Anon we learn to Focus on Ourselves. We learn to identify our feelings- disuss them and finally rid ourselves of the negative attitudes which have slowly crept into our lives.
Please do try to find meetings in your area and keep coming back here and sharing how you are doing. We also have meetings here twice a day and a chat room. Al-Anon can work miracles for you
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I had a lot of anger (and sometimes still) reacting to my alcoholic husband's behavior. Alanon and my therapist and books have helped me to understand the disease and work through my feelings. (And I am not saying I excuse his behavior, I just understand it a little better, so I can deal with it in a healthy way.) She also helped me to understand codependence by showing me that the addict is obsessed with the drug (alcohol or whatever), yet we obsess on them. Keep coming, reading and learning!!!
I am also new here. Have been checking in before I actually registered. My Ahusband off over 18 years is currently in a 90 day program. We have two great kids. Have been fighting with this disease for years now. One of his "excuses" for drinking has been his job (he has been there for as long as we've been married). He does not drink with anybody from there, and just within the past year or two has missed work due to drinking. His thing now is he is not going back there. He no longer wants to work there, and said he isn't going back when he gets out. Call me selfish and whatever else you want, he doesn't get to watch the news about the unemployment rates, yet he does not have a plan. Due to his drinking we have nothing to fall on until he would find a job. That also means no insurance or anything. I know his work is a major stress factor. I just don't believe you should give up a job UNTIL you have another one! The reason you'll drink is if you pick it up, not if you go to work! When I said he needs to have a plan, he told me I didn't support him. All these years I've waited this disease out, and I don't support him! I know I am very angry. I am the one who is here trying to keep life moving for our children. I am just so...uugghhh...right now! Thanks for letting me vent even if it doesn't make sense.
You are in the right place. Al-anon offers tools that will enable you to live life to the fullest even if the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Please try the program Face to Face meeetings are listed in your white pages and there are meetings here twice a day
You are definitely in the right place and absitively posolutely meetings will be so wonderful for you.
The below is a preamble and closing that is used in one of my meetings. For so long, I just loved the preamble and closing because it gave me hope and I knew I was in the right place.
STEP ALIVE MEETINGAL-ANON FAMILY GROUP
Will you join me in a moment of silence, followed by the Serenity Prayer. GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
We welcome you to the Step Alive /Al-Anon FamilyGroup and hope that you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program.It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity.So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place the problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous), which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives, along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus makes us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meet-ing and member-to- member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is in our mind and hearts for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery. Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause.There are no dues for membership.Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions. Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic. The group conscience requests that all present refrain from gossip, dominance, discussion of religion, treatment centers, other self-help programs, counseling and the use or mention of any material other that Al-Anon conference approved literature.
Please remember that in Al-Anon we keep the focus on us, not on the alcoholic.Thank you for your cooperation in our group effort to stick to Al-Anon principles.
CLOSING
In closing, Id like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.Take what you liked and leave the rest. The things you heard here were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind. A few special words to those of you who havent been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them, too.If you keep an open mind, you will find help.You will come to realize that no situation is too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We arent perfect - the welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.After a while, youll discover that though you may not like all of us, youll love us in a special way - the way we already love you. Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.Instead let the understanding, love,and peace of the program grow within you one day at a time.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
