The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Woke up this morning contemplating the meaning of my program and my life. Decided that no matter what, I could not face another week like the past two, where my program was off track and I was struggling with obsessing and what if's and focusing on the A instead of myself. I felt like an insane woman again and could not live this way anymore. I wasn't having a gray day-I was having gray weeks. Realized while lying in bed that I can't change the way the A feels or his thought process (if only any of us could understand the thought process of A), and that I can't change the past. A has written me several emails in the past and told me verbally also that "He doesn't blame me, but just knows himself and can't give us a fair shot right now". I have let those statements pound me with guilt, of course he blames me, why lie about it? Then of course I blamed myself too-but I can NOT change any of that. I can accept it and move past it with HP help. What I can do is change the things I can.....MY attitude, MY focus, trusting in my HP and His will for me, having faith again. For the past two weeks, since EXABF bounced into my office with his casual birthday wishes I have felt like a metal ball in a ping pong machine and my focus has withered away. Today I change that, today I find a way hour by hour, minute by minute and one day at a time to get through this insanity, knowing all the while that I am never alone as long as I believe in a power greater than myself and there is NOTHING my HP and I can not get through together. Thanks for listening Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
There is a difference between obsessing and grieving. Of course when a relaitonship doesn't work out there is grief, rage and sadness. For a long long time I talked a lot about the A I talked about the past not what could have been in the present.
I know working this program has helped me a great deal. I stay incredibly busy and focused on goals.
This program is not an easy one to work some of us take years to embrace it. We all have our own way through recovery.
Thanks so much for your share. I understand how you feel. I too am living hour by hour. Its hard sometimes to stay focused and have faith, but you've hung on in there. I can see your progress and it gives me hope. Keep posting and Keep coming back.
