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Ok, so Today my son ask if he can go spend the night with his aunt (the sober one) but I said only if the other aunt (not sober one) was not going to be there. So my 14 yr old proceeds to start explaining "yeah My mom has a problem with her and I don't understand why". Which leads into me making him hang up because the sober aunt is still an enabling aunt and now i need to cut her off because she wasn't going to admit at first she was going to be there. Then my hubby (brother to the aunts) takes sides with my child and gangs up on me with how i just have a beef with the A Sister and I can't "forgive". Everyone deserves a second chance. Which has completely underminds my wisdom and authority. The aunt is drinking herself to death and what is wrong with me not wanting my kids to continue to see her even if she does manage to sober up for a couple hours? Despite the fact that she gets violent when she drinks.
In the last 5 years my kids have seen..... her flopping like a fish on the ground from meth, drunk numerous times, lie, steal, go to jail, get violent and curse everyone out, cry and threathen suicide, in and out of rehabs, in hospital for OD, chase my daughter across the lawn in a drunken rage, push my son of the front porch in a drunken rage, shack up with numerous men, call police for domestic abuse against herself from these men, cuss their dad and me out when we address her addiction.....and thats just the last 5 years. I finally wised up and kicked her out of our lives. But I'm the bad guy for not wanting to give her "once more chance" 20 years and I have yet to see her stay sober or clean over 3 months.
But I know its the drugs and alcohol. So I can understand her plight but I'm holy pissed that my husband just allows her seep back into our family to reak more havoc. I think I'm more angry with him than her right now. Kids are 16 and 14. And teens are hard enough on pushing boundaries without their parents being divided. I've asked him to go to Al Anon meeting together or trained counselor in addiction matters. No word yet. But I fear I can't handle the undermining much more. whats the difference in us being married or seperated if he continues to make me look like the bad guy and like a cold hearted bitch to my kids? Its took me leaving him to make him kick her out of our house. But its likes she's never left. her desease is now our desease! What would you do?
All I can do is tell you my experience with my Abrother, and i truly understand your reason to keep your children from such a scene...I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I can tell you first hand, I wish my mother could have got away BEFORE I got to witness all the drama I did, but she did get away, so I am grateful for that.. Well my Afather just past about 3 months ago, and now it is my Abrother, I HAVE no choice but to limit my sons contact with him, because he still chooses carry on his old path, He sees him on holidays, and once in a while at famliy get togethers, but he does not stay with him nor do I invite him to my home in fear of loosing anything that isn't bolted down... So i truly understand your fears, the choices you make are your own, but I agree that children that are in there teens have enough problems trying to fit into a huge world that they don't need the added influence from a drunk'n anybody...I know the battles I had when i was a teenagers, and I didn't ,make the right choices because no one made me... THank goodness I woke up...Hopefully he will too...
Keeping you in my prayers... Keep coming back it "works if ya work it" Jozie
It's clear that your husband has no real understanding of the disease and what it is doing to your family. You know you are not the "bad guy". There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your children, especially if she becomes violent. Their safety is the number 1 priority. As for hubby I can't offer any suggestions there. It sounds like he doesn't want to see what is going on. Unless he is using his sister as an excuse to sabotage your relationships for whatever reason. It is a puzzle on that one. I would think that he would be more concerned for his children's safety.
Having said that, what if you were to take them to an Alateen meeting so they can see the affect it has on the family members. They see the physical affects, but the emotional ones can be hidden away. They are also teenagers and they can make choices. I am not saying to allow them to go see their aunt when there is the potential for putting them in danger. Perhaps by taking them to a meeting they might decide that they don't want to see her. Just a thought. You'd be surprised by what even teenagers can come up with. My nieces continually surprise me by their decisions. I wish you all the best. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think I sound like a broken record. This is twice in one week Ive come to ask for help and I know my pains are much smaller than the ones I'm reading.
But the alateen sounds good. Maybe if they see it will help them stand up to their dad. He says he doesn't Push them to see her but he makes comments in front of them like "the kids don't see it like you do" but my daughter tells me otherwise. She is scared of her aunt. Its almost like if they don't want to see her that he takes it personally. I know he feels guility for the abuse she suffered at the hand of his alcoholic father but he was too young and can't carry that forever.
He doesn't see the harm in checking up on her and having dinner with her as long as she is "sober". On a good note he used the word boundaries last night but can't explain to me what his boundaries are other than she be sober. There's still no parameters of how long she has to be sober and no requirement that she be actively seeing treatment. Just "sober" But like I explained to him she has been drunk several times and he says that was just a "buzz" she wasnt' stumbling down drunk...yada yada yada. But compared to his dad her behavior is "better" which is sad. His threshhold for drunk and disorderly is way up there. He gets a little more protective when she does get dangerous or sloppy drunk but why sit and wait for that other shoe to drop?
So I will find a alateen meeting today to plug into. Keep praying.
"You can't complain about what you allow" Boy am I living that one right now!
The exA I was with did that to me all the time. I'm sorry to say having boundaries doesn't exactly make you Ms. Popular. You don't have to justify them.
"When one member is thinking sanely, the whole family situation is bound to improve." I hung my hat on that sentence, there is hope! My experience is, it's been very positive for my family. Keep getting yourself to meetings, keep working on your own recovery. It may trigger recovery for your whole family. Alateen is a great option for the kids.
Try to remember that she is a sick human being. As horrible as her behavior has been, she is not a "bad" person, just sick. Do sick people need to be punished? I understand that if taking care of yourself means that you need to stay away, you should stay away. Absolutely. However, I think that if other members of your family want to visit, (only if they want to and are not forced to) they should visit without your interference, if your husband is there to protect the children. A visit seems reasonable. An overnight without a parent, seems totally unreasonable. Just my opinion.
"You can't complain about what you allow"
Remember to allow your husband to be who he is. Stay on your side of the street. He may be in complete denial, but you are powerless to change that. "If you want to make an enemy, try to change someone."
Get to as many meetings as you can for the necessary support. You are not alone. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee at 13:49, 2009-02-16
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Yes, at least you are acting sane, my son stayed with my A-father after my step mom died in november, tough time let me tell you, I detached and let it play itself out, eventually my son, aged 15, confronted my father with his drinking, two days later, my father asked me to collect him, I did not like it and I have a problem with fear, for instance my son is camping with his buddy tonight, half a mile away, but children and teenagers do need a certain amount of freedom and they will come across these things, I talk to my sons now about the drinking in our family, sometimes they tell me things I thought they did not know, like how they don't talk to my father after nine because he's wasted... I hid an awful lot to shield the children, they knew anyway. In the case of the aunt, let them come into contact with alateen, hiding these illnesses is just no use and I can understand your anger.
Just a thought. You'd be surprised by what even teenagers can come up with. My nieces continually surprise me by their decisions. I wish you all the best. Love and blessings to you and your family.
