The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Are you married to this man, too? Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I posted a wish to us all -- myself included. I also bought myself a couple of gifts!!! My AH did nothing. Well, of course -- why was I expecting anything different? I am not whining here -- just venting. I know that I cannot control anything but myself. Anyhow, I got him a nice card. I thought it spoke volumes about our love and challenges. He did, too. Of course he appreciated it. (Oh, he is sober (or was yesterday and hopefully today, too) and going to AA.) Let's see, then we went to see Stomp! He doesn't talk to me at these shows, but he talks to everyone sitting around us. I guess they will listen to him talk about himself! Of course he can't sit still during the whole show. On the way home he complains about just about everything -- next time I should go with a friend, no, he doesn't want to go to get dinner or anything, the other drivers are stupid, doesn't like what I have on the radio, turns his station on and up loud... Got home (now it is only around 8PM) -- he goes up to bed, and when I go to bed he goes into another room. No Valentine's card -- although at one point he had lied and said he had one for me at home -- nothing. Now this morning he is all Mr. Chipper. Like I said, I am not whining. I know alcoholics are in a state of arrested development. I just need this MIP family to help me know that I am not alone and to have friends to vent to. Thanks for listening. db55
Hi db, Yes I am married to this same man. Nothing for Valentine's Day. Not even a verbal mention of the day. Like you, I wasn't expecting anything. Like you, I did a little something for myself. And I kept that "emotionally healthy atmosphere" in our home all day.
Like you, I know alcoholics are in a state of arrested emotional development. Mine is probably about twelve or thirteen. Like you, I need to vent sometimes. Thanks for posting this so we can vent together.
Hi , well u are describing the way my life used to be , I learned that its not personal , struggling to stay sober is damn hard work and misery seems to be thier middle name . Leave his mood with him don't take it on , if he is still drinking and attending AA trust me he has enjoyed his last drink . This is a powerful disease and doesnt like to loose any participants so the fight is on within . Keep the focus on you and your needs and always have a plan B . I know this is hard for you as it was for me but with a program of your own u will make it thru this trying time . Louise
Well there is another side to this. I think when we do an inventory we get to see how much we wanted to "fix" the A in order to get him to be what we wanted. I know the A I was with I was in a constant state of wanting to fix him. Letting go and turning things over is hard work but there is another side to look at how hard it is to take our needs seriously and make them work.
I know part of why I was with an A was that I felt I was unworthy of getting my needs met. I had high dependency needs and wanted someone. At the same time I was really afraid to be clear about my needs.
This Valentines I got some chocolate from a friend. I know I spent every single Valentines with the exA feeling deeply disappointed. Now I give myself the Valentine and know that I am going to have to do a lot of work to get the kind of valentines I want from a partner and I may not get there. I live with that. I can live with that now thanks to al anon.
