The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ab got in touch before after nearly 3 weeks. I was kind I listened he said he had lost his job and didnt want to tell me. He said he had over slept but I rang the night before and he was missing so more likely he got drunk and never went in. Hwe said he has been on self destruct for 3 weeks and suffering from depression. I listened I told him couldnt help him he needs professional help. Same old same old he said he loves me . i said i know and am not taking it personal i think he has prob but we carnt have a relationship.
I am scared i know where we go from here chat on phone as friends. Then my addiction kicks in I start trying to help fix him. Then after weeks of him manipulating me slowly to get through my barriers we become intimate then he drinks and hurts me. He said he doesnt want a relationship is to messed up we agreed to just be friends. he said will I stand by him.
Theres nothing in this for me but pain. I dont want to turn my back on him cause he is sick but I carnt go backwards he will never be the man I want or need.
But I do adore him so confused all the time and tired just want peace hes lost his job, has no money, living in house with other who drink etc, his life is a mess. I feel so cruel to say I wont have any contact at all but I am trying to take care of me dont think I have the energy anymore.
Stiil didnt say he was going to get help so I guess its just a load of BS to start the contact and cycle again
It sounds like intellectually you see the pattern. Convincing the heart sometimes takes a bit longer but is do-able. It's pretty hard to "stand by" someone when they refuse to get up and continually fall. Those that continually try to stand by an alcoholic will eventually be taken down with them. Keep in mind that words are just words and that what you really need to see is action.
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your post shows great insight. You describe the codependant 'dance' perfectly.I too am stuck in this pattern Even though we know too well the outcome we still take part. I think we stay involved hoping for a happy ending, but bit by painful bit we learn that to keep doing the same thing and expecting something different is insanity. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Setting and keeping boundaries for me is almost impossible as I seem to have a selective memory and everytime without fail I go back for more, then am totally shocked and amazed when I get hurt.
The program works if you work it, I've started a journal to help me see the results of my behaviour, I've set some positive goals for myself and I'm keeping the focus on me. Detaching is hard and takes alot of work.Its progress not perfection. Be kind to yourself Tracy, your a loving person and theres nothing wrong with that. I really feel for you
I put others first all my life. Then I came here and started putting me into the equation. I have few resources at the moment so my abilty to help others is limited. Indeed my ability to help anyone but myself is very limited. I've gone from feeling I know what's best for others to knowing that I don't know.
I had to turn the ex A over to HP. I was not doing what was best for him. He didn't improve with me in fact he got worse, far far worse. He lost it all too but he still wasn't ready for recovery. Your A has resources, there are lots and lots of them if he wants sobriety. Some people's bottoms are very low and mean and hard. Letting go is very difficult.
Turn him over to his HP. He has one. You have one too.
Then start taking care of you, what do you want, how can you take better care of you!
and everytime without fail I go back for more, then am totally shocked and amazed when I get hurt.