The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welp Last night, I blessed myself with another F2F... I was told by one of my new friends the week before that she would like to hear from me, well lets just say I was a touch nervous for I am one that does not like to let anyone down... Well Except for myself, that seems to be a regular thing for me,... So as I sit there and listening to all the other speakers in my group, I am really trying to thro my focus on one thing and I just can't pick it up... Well then... This lady brings out a verse that she read out of one of the Al-anon booklets available, and it said, "Remember... You are so Suffering, BUT So is the alcoholic!" and she went on to talk about it a little more... Well that was it!!! Sooo I took that moment, to tell him, about my fathers struggles with alcohol... I could see the suffering in him, and when he past he just could not take who he was anymore... He has suffered most of his adult life with this disease, and all of mine, it is funny how sometimes you forget that they have to suffer too, it is easy to think "They Choose to drink", and yes I have, but tho they chose to drink they did not choose for it to take over their life... My father came from an (2) alcoholic parents, and he was the baby... So he got to see alot more then his older brother & sister...did when it came to his parents addictions, he carried out the family name with a bang for sure... I guess I just wanted to say that we all suffer, we all have our moments that we just wish the hurt would stop, the pain would never return, but I can honestly say that after all the Hell that i have been thru. And I could give you al ist, after all the broken promises, all the if only, and what ifs... I have slowly came to realize, that those are things that carry me thru each day, those are the things that show me, I CAN, & I WILL make it thru, for that is my desitany I suppose... Since joining this MIP family, I have opened many things from my past, some are wonderful memories that i am so glad to have back... Others well we all know what we would like to do with them... See even after being a 7 year old little girl watching my father stretch my mother by the neck in our kitchen and remembering the Horror that went thru my body when I thought he was going to kill her, it is a memory that know matter how hard I try, never leaves my thoughts... BUT because of that early FEAR for my life and my mothers, I have NEVER stayed with a man that EVER layed a hand on me!!! Because I knew that would never happen in my life,, for I would not allow it... So I guess it needed to happen so I would not be living in the fear that my mother did, most of her marriage to my father... And I know even then it was the addictions not my father, but it does not change what happened... Another Lesson was that when my mother left my Afather, he got into Coke Really bad, he lost his family, home, job, pretty much everything that was handed down to him 112acre farm... The whole 9... And from that I learned that I would NEVER touch the stuff... If my father could loose EVERYTHING, with one bad habit that was sure one that I was not going to pick up No How!!! So again, I guess I picked up a couple life saving things from my Afather... As he got older, he could not afford the drugs, thank goodness, for the alcohol was bad enough... Even thru all that, It never stopped me from being a "daddy's girl", now why is that? There are somethings I just can't sort out, sometimes I just want tom know that there is someone somewere out there, understanding my experiences... I know they are not all the same, but sometimes they are really common place... this Valentines Day... the first one with out my Afather, hasn't been the worst ever, but it hasn't been the best, I have worked since I crawled out of bed this morning just to keep going in the direction I need to be, I have read my books said my prayers serveral times, and my HP is carring me thru.. I hope that some were in this, someone will find hope for a better tomorrow... I hope that someone will take from this the lessons I have learned and learn to apply them as progress instead of defeat... I use to think that my past had deflated me, and my ability to move Past the "Shadows in my closest", but in reality, they have lifted me to be someone that now, because of al-anon, has crawled to the inside of myself, and slowly started bringing out the good and the bad... But it is ok for I will grow with each given day, and hopefully, help one or two along the way....
Thanks for letting me share... Any ESH is good ESH.... Love & Prayers Jozie...
Even thru all that, It never stopped me from being a "daddy's girl", now why is that? There are somethings I just can't sort out, sometimes I just want to know that there is someone somewere out there, understanding my experiences...
Jozie, here's a hug from Gran ((((((jozie))))))
I was also a "Daddy's Girl", and it caused me to be estranged from my mother for more than forty years. It was only after my mother passed away and I saw some of her papers that I realized what a fool I had been. It is one of my deepest regrets - my Mother and I could have been really close. We share a lot of traits and tendencies that I didn't even know about because I wasn't around.
The Daddy I'm talking about wasn't only an alcoholic, he was a pedophile. It was in his best interest to turn me against my mother, so I wouldn't tell. And I fell for it. True I was only about eleven years old when he started telling me bad stuff about my mom, but I had nearly forty more years of adulthood after I left that house before I realized what had happened. Alcoholics are superb manipulators, expert at getting their needs met and not caring who they hurt in the process.
Yes, this disease is cunning, powerful, and baffling. And those who think their behavior doesn't have a major impact on the lives of others are just crazy. My wonderful "Daddy" stole my Mother from me.
It's been several years now since my Mother left the planet, and I am slowing recovering. I understand better now... why my whole family is so messed up and codependent and dysfunctional. And I thank God every day for Al-Anon. It helped me more than anything else did, to forgive myself and move on. Now I sponsor people and try to share what I learned the hard way.
The part of your posting that touched my heart was when you stated:
"... I use to think that my past had deflated me, and my ability to move Past the "Shadows in my closest", but in reality, they have lifted me to be someone that now, because of al-anon, has crawled to the inside of myself, and slowly started bringing out the good and the bad... But it is ok for I will grow with each given day, and hopefully, help one or two along the way...."
That is exactly how al-anon has helped me heal. It is all about "having the courage to go inside ourselves look at our past own it and learn from it. I found that everyone's past is different and that it is so very important to do this work with a sponser and in meetings where there is no cross talk. This way I could truly process from my insides and experiences and gain the insights I needed to grow.
