Have you been to a face2face meeting, yet?? If not, I would really encourage you to go. You will find alot of support there from folks who have been through what you are going through.

I wish that I had made different choices when my AH got his last DUI--actually, he wasn't even my H then. But I still married him, go figure. 

I found the lawyer, I helped pay the fees, I changed my work schedule so that I could pick him up from jail everyday, take him to work, pick him up from work, take him home so he could shower, drive him back to jail and then drive myself all the way back home at midnight (and the jail was not in a great part of town), for 30 days.

I made sure that he paid his fines every month i.e., I wrote the check and dropped it off at the court.

I drove my leased car everywhere we went for a year because he couldn't drive, ended up 12,000 miles over on the lease, and was so incredibly upside down on the lease that I had to buy the car for a huge loss.

I didn't say anything when he kept drinking beer (everyday, from the time he got off work until he went to bed).  I was happy when he gave up the "hard" stuff because, in his mind, that was the real problem. 

I didn't say anything when the leader of the mandatory AA meetings, that the court ordered him to attend, gave all of the offenders credit for meetings that they didn't attend.

I didn't do anything to change my own behavior and so, the cycle continued until it all blew up 5 years later. But not before I allowed myself to be subjected to verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, financial infidelity, sexual infidelity, you name it.  I cried so many tears for so many years. And, I put myself and those I love in dangerous situations because I was afraid: of losing him; of him falling apart; of losing the house; of ruining my credit; of admitting that I had made a mistake by marrying him in the first place; the list was endless.
 
The sad thing is, that as his disease progressed, my AH stopped caring about all of those things anyway. He walked away from his job without a second thought--leaving us without health insurance and forcing me to struggle to cover all of the bills myself while he continued to drink his life away.  He crashed both cars multiple times, once with me in it and in a one-car accident that could have killed us both.  The list is endless.

What I realized after Al-Anon was that none of that meant anything. I had forgotten that I was more important than any of that "stuff"--that my loved ones were more important than "stuff." I had forgotten that I had choices.

I wish that I knew then what I know now. I wish that I had protected myself as best I could and that I had let him experience the consequences of his own behavior. I don't know if he would have gotten sober any sooner, but I am certain that I would have saved myself a lot of suffering. Maybe I wouldn't have spent the next 5 years making sure that no matter what he did, my AH had a "soft landing." He never really hit a hard bottom because I was always there, no matter what, ready to "fix" everything. Looking back, I now understand how you can love someone to death.

Part of my recovery today, is forgiving myself for my part in the wreckage of the past.  I did the best I could with the knowledge (or lack thereof) that I had at that time.

I cannot tell you what to do, only share with you what I have learned as I have recovered from the effects of alcoholism in my life. I strongly encourage you to go to an Al-Anon meeting and to take care of yourself and your child. You are the most important things now. This program is about learning how to leave the AH in the care of his/her own HP, while we learn how to take care of ourselves, first.

Yours in recovery,

SLS
I

I was doing research online about the Arizona DUI laws and since he had our son in the car he could face jail time and outrageous fines (up to $150,000)  Is that insane or what?

What's insane to me is driving with his son in the car while intoxicated.
There is no such thing as a little drunk.  You either are or you aren't.  Remember, when he got in the car HE chose to put all the things you mentioned on the line. 
Please allow him the dignity to figure his way out of the mess.  No one hits their bottom if they always have someone putting a pillow under their butt to ensure a softer landing.

Please find a local meeting and get support while HE deals with the consequences of his actions.  Also, may I suggest you try your best not to "what if"?  You can put yourself through a lot of unecessary grief "what iffing".

Take care,
This too shall pass
Christy

Lots of what if's in your post , but its nice to see that in Arizona  the state puts a value of  $150,000 on the life of a child for endangering a
 child 's  life while driving drunk ..
How do we get out of this ? for your families sake i hope there is no way out of  this- could be his big wake up call .

N8SMOM wrote:

---

  Unfortunately my husband was arrested last night and our son was in the car. 

Perhaps in the long run, this is a blessing in disguise.


I was doing research online about the Arizona DUI laws and since he had our son in the car he could face jail time and outrageous fines (up to $150,000)  Is that insane or what?  Why so much money? 
I think the penalty reflects the degree of seriousness of the crime. 

Your "what iffing" reminds me of something I recently read; I'm paraphasing it here:  Instead of asking yourself "Why me?  Ask yourself, what are you going to make of it."

I truly hope and pray that this is your husband's wake-up call and yours too.  I was rudely awakened, too.  It's what I needed; so I have no regrets. 
I hope you will look back and be able to say that too for your sake, as well as your child's. 

Take Care, Gail

---

There are certainly attornies who work with a DUI.  None of them come cheap.

I went through hell and highwater with the ex A about driving.  He eventually destroyed both our cars (both of which were brand new). The sign that he was indeed an alcoholic/drug addict was he carried on regardless.

Al anon can help you a great deal. First of all we can be a sounding board. You can come here and sound off and really let it out. For years I came here and vented about the ex A (when I was with him) it helped tremendously. I stopped venting to him I vented here. That helped me to make better choices.  Al anon can also help you to learn how to detach. Obviously when you are living in a high tension state like you are now, detaching is a really great skills to have.  You can learn more at www.coping.org. 

Al anon can give you  a sense of perspective.  Yes you are totally dependent on the A now.  That does not always have to be the case.  You can get help, get counseling (there are lots of low cost centers), get a sponsor, work a program. Things can change for you. You do not have to be paralyzed in fear.

We have all been there, stuck ina  relationship with someone out of control. We've all dealt with the feelings you have, rage, grief, fear and ambivalence. You can come here, post, respond to posts.  You can get some relief.

Getting them Sober which is a book by Toby Rice Drew is really really helpful on how to know when you are enabling and when you are taking care of yourself.  Toby has some excellent illustrations on that.  I think the book would help you a great deal and is worth getting. 

Above all please go to the chat room here, there are some wonderful, kind, loving, generous peopel here who are available to help.  There are also two meetings a day here. When I was paralyzed in grief, shock, anger I went to them  they were an enomous help to me. You deserve help, you deserve care, you deserve an outlet for yourself.

Welcome.

Maresie.