((((Ness)))) so sorry to hear your down. It's hard to watch the alcoholic in your life destroy themselves with no way to help them but prayer. It is when they get to their lowest that they often seek help, if we stay out of the way. Your job now is to take care of yourself and get yourself to some al-anon meetings, on-line or f2f. WE are no good to ourselves much less the alcoholic if we're not taking care of ourselves. If they see us getting better they may wonder why we've changed and want some of it for themselves, but until they want it we can't do anything about it. I know that's hard to hear, but we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. (the three C's). My prayers and thoughts are with you Ness. Take care of you.

Java

I too have a son who is an A/DA and at a f2f meeting one night someone asked me if I thought it was harder to deal with a child or a spouce that is an A or DA. My response was that I can't really relate to a spouce but as far as a child it's like standing and looking at a railroad track. The child is standing on the tracks, blindfolded and a train is coming and there is absolutely nothing I can do. All he has to do is reach up and pull down the blindfold to see what is about to happen to him but he can't and I can't do it for him. It is scary, it's frustrating and it breaks our hearts over and over every day.

When I drove my son to rehab (his request) the doctor pulled hubby and I aside and told us to always remember what he was about to tell us. We did not cause this, there was absolutely nothing we could have done to prevent it and our son has the only disease that the world will yell at him for having. He continued to say Now you two go home find yourselves a 12 step group, get help for you and leave him to us and let the miracle happen.

I was a royal mess and knew I had to find help for me because I was absolutely no help to anyone. At a f2f meeting a member shared that when you are on an airplane and the oxygen masks come down in front of you the stewardess will tell you to put it on yourself first then help those around you. Pretty basic, we are of no use to anyone else if we are not taking care of ourselves first.

Fast forward a few months and my son told me that he thanked me for letting him fall, that was a really tough one to do but I had to let my HP take over because obviously I hadn't been doing the right things. My son also told me that his one wish for me was that I would live long enough to tell 20,000 mothers that the best thing they can do for their children that are addicted to anything is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He said he has heard many times in meetings "I didn't get anywhere until my parents stopped".

I had to start taking care of me and let his HP take care of him. It's not easy because we all know that they obviously can't take care of themselves because they seem to prove that on a daily basis. My best analgy for that one is that if someone always ties your shoes for you then you will never learn to tie them yourself. So I had to let my son grow up and stumble as many times as he had to in order to get it right. It has not been easy at all but with my 12 step family at my side I know that I will be ok. Whether or not he is ever ok is up to him.

That first f2f meeting was almost 5 years ago and I still go to two meetings a week, sometimes more if I feel I need it. I am doing good these days and don't freak out when my son calls with his latest dilema. I have worked the steps, have a great sponsor and have three sponcees. I am working my program every minute of every day and as often as I can I give away part of what I have learned. As for my son, today he is clean and sober but I know that can change at any minute. Nothing I can do will prevent it from happening but regardless of what does happen I know I will be ok.

I recently had some bad news about not only my FIL but also my father. In the same week they were both given six months to live. It was just too much. I made a call to my grand sponsor (regular sponsor was not available) and she was at my front door in ten minutes and stayed until I had calmed down and had my head back on straight. So if you don't have a sponsor or a f2f meeting I highly recommend it. I have said for years that in the event of a crisis I know my 12 step family will be there for me in the blink of an eye. I can't say that for my biological family or my church family.

I sincerely hope some of this had helped you. You are not alone and never have to do anything alone again. In Al-Anon we have what is called bookending. If you are facing a difficult situation that you have to do something about you call someone before you go and also call someone afterwards. I also added a little bit to that practice and that is during the time that you are dealing with the situation if you feel anxious, fearful, distraught etc. clinch your fist really tight (at your side not in their face) and that will be one of us holding your hand through your difficult situation. It does help and remember....you never have to do anything alone again.

Barb