The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realized today after some meditation/prayer time, that I haven't been making my program or my HP my number one priority, and I haven't been trusting my HP or having faith in Him, it's almost like I took a step then forgot it. I've been letting myself get so caught up in my EXABF and the "what ifs" and "wondering whats", that I haven't been getting as much out of Al Anon as I should be. I had thought deep down all along that EXABF played a part in my coming here, and I denied it, but today I realized that I came here while he and I were still together and things were going well-because I knew what I was feeling wasn't good, and that I needed help. I came her for me, and for my son and for a better future for us both. I continue to come back, even though EXABF is gone now, not because I think he will come running back to me (I think me being in the program is part of the reason he may not) but because I need to be here and feel it working. I just have no patience and I want to be 100% happy NOW and all the time. I should be making my son, my faith and my recovery my main focus, and I haven't been because I've been letting myself get caught up in obsessing over A, and the what if's, maybes and one days. Someone wrote to me the other day that what "seems to have set the hook in me again is my need, my addiction to having "EXABF" be responsible for my happiness" and they were dead on the money. Program or no program I have continued to allow myself to depend on him for my happiness, and have continued to live my life and function around the "what if's", thinking I could only be happy if he came back.... Reality hit me today......he may never come back. I may not want him to after I am better (though I doubt it), things may or may not work out, but the one thing, the ONLY thing I can count on is that HP will be there to guide me through all of my craziness if I listen to Him, lean on Him and have faith in Him.... Please MIP family keep me in your prayers......I need to find my faith again......and it has been a struggle lately, but that is what is missing in my life......NOT EXABF...... thanks for letting me share shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I have been feeling the exact same way this week. My husband relapsed while in rehab a couple of weeks ago, since that time he was admitted into an inpatient setting with no contact to anyone for 2 wks. My son's 10th b-day is in a couple of days and his father won't even be able to call and say Happy b-day. I'm trying to hold it together and be strong for our kids, but it is so hard. I felt I was in a really good place, working on myself and my relationship with my hp until he relapsed and since that time, I have lost my focus. I have struggled all week to get back on track.
Thank you for your post, it really spoke to me and I will keep you in my prayers!!
Thanks New Balance. It is soooo hard to get back on track sometimes. The worst part is my EXABF used to use that phrase "back on track" to describe our failing relationship-UGHHHH....That makes it even harder. I will keep you in my prayers also.....chin up girl~~ We gotta fake it til we make it:)
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you maresie......I need that. Don't feel very good about me right now......feel like a screw up.....like I'm hanging off the side of a cliff and all that I can find to hold onto are those stringy little vines that you never know if they are rooted solid enough to hold you or are they going to snap and you will plumit to your death:)
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Yes, I have had a week like this too and its not nice, feeling, like the little screw up, so demoralising. But, in my opinion, you are not and your honesty and clarity have helped me.
''I've been letting myself get caught up in obsessing over A, and the what if's, maybes and one days.''
You put into words excactly how I've been feeling. Thank you for the wake up call Old behaviours, so easy to slip back into sometimes without even realising it. Be gentle on yourself, you are doing so well and your progress is helping us all.
The biggest thing that has helped me through times like this is something that a member of AA told me once...
If you don't feel close to your HP ask yourself who moved?
That pretty much does it for me because I then have to admit to myself that I haven't been doing my readings, meditating and prayers on a daily basis. Then I know it's time to get back with my program and let my HP work in me. All I have to do is ask...
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Someone wrote to me the other day that what "seems to have set the hook in me again is my need, my addiction to having "EXABF" be responsible for my happiness" and they were dead on the money. Program or no program I have continued to allow myself to depend on him for my happiness, and have continued to live my life and function around the "what if's", thinking I could only be happy if he came back....
