The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know that part of the Do's and Don'ts that encourages us to keep a healthy emotional atmosphere in our home? Well, I struggle to keep myself at least pleasant and cordial at all times. I am not a nag. Life is mostly pleasant around here. My AH has more than 20 years sober. I suspect he is clinically depressed, but hey... it's none of my business, right?
My gripe this morning is the extremely passive behavior. He doesn't give me any atta-girls, no compliments, no encouragements, very little if any eye contact, no hugs, affection, etc. Once in a while he'll wander into my office, sit in my guest chair (home office) and ask "whatcha doing". But when I start telling him what i'm doing, he invariably twists the conversation around to himself... and I find myself back at Square One. Feeling invisible, neglected, subservient, unimportant except to get HIS needs met.
I tell you all this not to start a whining-moaning thread, but to ask what ya'll do to keep your self-esteem intact in the face of such responses from your A.
I understand perfectly that it's not his job to entertain me, to compliment me, to empower me or to even say nice things to me unless HE chooses, and I'm powerless over that. I have my outlets; my girlfriends, my meetings, my volunteer work, my own small business, my art projects, etc. I do know how to take care of me. But I have to look outside these walls or deep inside myself with my HP to get much feedback about my character or my personality or my physical body.
But darn it... am I wrong to want or expect a LITTLE bit of affection or sweetness from my mate of 12 years??? aaaaargh.
My husband and I of 13years also have our ups and downs, and also have the times when we just can't seem to connect on any level... What does seem to help us, is when I see this happening, I try and get "US" out of the house together, were pretty much he is forced to talk to me, like maybe a "Sunday Drive" or a "Dinner Out" That does seem to at least give us a chance to "Look at each other, and talk"... It is worth a try...
Your right it is not his JOB, but he is Your Husband, and in my mind, I NEED Affection and what not, I pretty much have to demand it sometimes but I am slowly getting over that...lol... There was a quote that I use to use when dealing with my AFather "If you Expect NOTHING, You wont be Disappointed", so for me this worked because then when the compliments did come, or the niceness did shine thru, I wasn't "Expecting it" and it was a GREAT SURPRISE... don't know if it will help you but it may...
If you feel your husband is depressed, you could mention to him that maybe he should talk to someone about it... Worst he could say is NO! and well at least then he knows that you are aware that he is having some issues...And heck...next time he comes in the office, to chat, maybe Thank him for coming in and thinking of you...Nice Gestures always seem to work for me, even if he turns the conversation around on himself, at least he knows you are noticing his effort...
Take what ya want and leave the rest...These are just a couple things that keep my marriage I little more moving forward...Mainly tho, finding yourself within is the main thing for you...I know what that is like because I Also struggle with the "Taking Care of ME" thing... Mainly because it is ALL new to me... I have spend 35 years trying to make sure everyone else was happy and content, and now to shift it around on myself, I struggle, so that I get for sure...
Keep coming back ,and remember...It works if ya work it!!! So Work it Girl....
Wow sorry to hear that you think hubby is clinically depressed. That is a tough one and can affect a lot of the way they act and treat you, so IMHO I think that is your business, you are married to the guy and you have to live with him everyday so that is going to affect you.Although you cant force an outcome of whether he gets help for himself or not, I dont see harm in talking to him about your concern and asking him if hed be willing to talk to doc about it.
I believe that in a healthy marriage there is certain amount of interdependency, that consist of meeting each others emotional needs, that could include affection, conversation, honesty and openness, sex and the list goes on.
You are not wrong to want to be desired, noticed, loved complimented and to be shown affection by your mate. I believe that is part of why we get married, to share all those wonderful things with one person in the sanctity of marriage.
It seems like there is a big elephant sitting in the room with the two of you (ie emotional needs not being met) that arent being discussed, perhaps its time to share some of those feelings your having with husband using I statements so that he isnt on the defensive. Sometimes it helps if you start out with some things you really appreciate about them before you go into whats troubling you. Sometimes I think you just have to be very direct in spelling out what your looking for from them, in order for them to get it. At least then you will have put it out there so that your not building up resentment about it.
I think Jozies idea of getting out of the house together is a great way to get out of the same enviornment and have a little bonding time.
That's kinda like it is around here also...with the exception that we know its okay to ask for a pat on the back or a rub when we're not giving or getting it involuntarily. I was also taught that cleaning myside of the street also would come to mean giving before I received and not as a reason to. I had to in my daily inventory ask myself "am I doing to others what I want done to me?" I get some many hugs and affirmations that at times my spouse just sits back and smiles. I love her...don't "need" her.
. What does seem to help us, is when I see this happening, I try and get "US" out of the house together, were pretty much he is forced to talk to me, like maybe a "Sunday Drive" or a "Dinner Out" That does seem to at least give us a chance to "Look at each other, and talk"... It is worth a try...
Love and Prayers... Jozie
Thanks Jozie. Actually, it was my effort to get us out of the house together that started this current rant for me. It was a pretty day yesterday, mid 70s and sunny, and I asked him if he'd like to join me on a golf buggy ride around the neighborhood. He agreed.
So there we were, chatting a bit and enjoying the breeze, we stopped and visited on the street with a neighbor for a couple of minutes. I guess I relaxed too much and started being "ME" .... I was talking about some ways that I had been thrifty lately and I guess my pleasure at myself peeked through or something. Bam!! He changes the subject (oh look at that butterfly or something). I resumed where I had left off. Bam!! He starts talking about how HE's been thrifty. I started again for the third time, I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. As we came up the driveway to put the buggy in the garage, I got frustrated and said "How bout a little Atta-girl or something?"
He said "Atta-girl" , his voice dripping with resentment. I got out into the house without a word and spent the rest of the day alone in my office. This hurts. Anybody else in my life would have at least said some little something to at least placate me.
How oh how can I learn the difference between sticking to my boundaries and manipulating someone else into a certain behavior. I'm still a little tender from yesterday and beating myself up for even trying to establish a civil relationship with this man.
Well, my A hubby whines to me about me not giving him enough "atta boys" -- drives me nuts. I feel like I have to go around making a list of things he's done and list the thank yous, etc. My counselor told me it is my responsibility to tell him how I feel about this. Likewise, if you are not feeling appreciated or validated, you need to express your feelings to him and ask for what you want and need. My counselor said, "that's what relationships are all about." I loved that!!!! Right!
I totally sympathize with you. My Ahsober has over 20 years of sobriety. He still is an alcoholic read self-centered. He left 3 years ago. Just walked out the door. Not that your will but that's how they solve problems. Irrational I know. So they don't seem to have much else. I think of arrested development. Mine is a nine year old kid trying to divorce me. He was only affectionate if we were alone. If he did compliment me it was to make himself feel good. They have told me here at MIP to not go to the hardware store for milk. He just doesn't have it. Have you gone to the Minnesota Recovery site? Google dry drunk. It so explains alot about dry drunks.
As for the self esteem, I started a list of accomplishments for myself. It helps.
I live with a dry drunk who, as far as I know, isn't drinking but has the offensive behavior.
He admits that he used to be drunk most of the time years ago, but hasn't admitted that he's an untreated alcoholic. When he does something abusive toward me or anyone, he claims that all he has to do is admit it to God and he's forgiven. In my opinion, he's addicted to "christian leadership" and is a people pleaser to others where he can look good.
What I've noticed is that when a person is sincere about getting well through a treatment program like AA, he/she will not only stop using alcohol in any form, but there will be a definite healthy change in their behavior.
I believe that Al-Anon saved my life and I'm so thankful. It's not always easy for me to stay keep my boundry of not accepting unacceptable behavior.
Today, I'm detaching by going out for a long walk before I go out to buy my Valentine gift to myself!
Oh I have another relative who uses that "admit it to God" rationalization. She just wants to be forgiven and absolved and loved unconditionally no matter how much she hurts someone else. She has no concept of consequences. And she's in total denial that she has ANY behavioral problems... after all, HE'S the alcoholic and the one with the problem. She's a "church-going Christian lady" who is nearly perfect. sigh.
Today I'm thankful that lady isn't in my inner circle and I can see her antics from a comfortable distance. Thanks for reminding me of that brand of craziness; it makes my passive sober husband a BIT more tolerable. hahahaha.
