The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just sometimes, not often, Heartbroken puts in an appearance and I feel myself feeling a bit panicky.
Tonight is one of those nights. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have been ill during the winter months now for so long, infact I have not been feeling too great since August of last year. Perhaps it is a fact that I am a person who lives with reactive depression which I have to really fight with in order not to let it take over my life. Perhaps it is just one of those things and I should not be so harsh on myself.
Right now I have this aching loneliness that starts in the pit of my stomach and screams at me in my head and makes my whole body tense and shaky at the same time. My hands hurt, and my arms feel like lead, and my facial muscles tense up and I suddenly find myself clenching my jaw.
Recognise any of these?
Tonight I am angry that I am alone, that I live my life alone, that I am sick alone, that my future is alone. I am angry that my XAH took the BEST years of my life and abused me so badly, physically, mentally and emotionally and not only that he left a legacy of unrequited love and misery for my children and me, whilst he is in a marriage, surrounded by family and with a pension and a service community that reunites with diners and balls and huge ceremonial ocassions of grand festivities.
All this his second wife enjoys, she who did not work through his drinking days, suffer twenty years of rape, violence, selfishness, brutality, emotional blackmail and physical intensity or years of rearing children whilst he sailed the seven seas on world cruises with HRH...yep, true he sailed on that royal yatch around the world so many times whilst me and the children struggled to feed ourselves and I worked three jobs to make ends me because he never sent money home. SHE just floats around and boast of her son - errrr THAT's MY SON - ridicules MY DAUGHTER after using her to entrap her father - and poses in family portraits at medal ceremonies of grandfather, father and son with the rest of the family as HIS MOTHER...HE's MY SON I should have been there when he received his medals. I was NOT EVEN TOLD, and there they all are in the press photographs and she listed as HIS MOTHER-NO SHE IS NOT, I AM HIS MOTHER.
You know I have never talked about this since it happened over two years ago but right now it spills out, and I am crying at the injustice and the saddness I feel that my X put my son in such a difficult position and swore the whole family to secrecy about this whole ocassion. I found out when I went to the museum last August and saw the entry and the staff there were amazed when I went to ask to look at the medals for they asked who I was, and when I said I was *******'s mother they were so apologetic and a couple of weeks later sent me copies of the family photographs from the presentation. The officer that day was so kind and very upset for me and asked if there was anything he could do to help. I told him there was nothing he could do except perhaps send me a copy of the press write up, which he did several weeks later and sent me copies of the photographs too.
Grrrr, I did not realise until now how angry I am, but I am.
The photgraphs are there for eternity now, in the museum, recording the family and she is recorded as MY SON's MOTHER, and my X did NOT have the decency to tell me, invite me, or at least set the record straight.
Of course, the museum staff said they were delighted to meet *******'s real mother, and doesn't he look like you and he has the same quiet ways as his real mum. Did not like the other one, she was a right pain on the day, if that helps. No it did not help, but it made me smile for I know of her and met her at my son's wedding. She was the one that was drunk, dancing on the table tops, with her skirts up above her waist. How embarrassing.
Tonight I just need to get this out of my system again, and I have NO IDEA where all of this came from, why it has reared itself again, or why my emotions have been so angry.
You know what, I think the lid has just popped off...
I don't even know where this has come from, but I want to scream, "I HATE YOU for what you have done to me and the lonely state I am in right this minute!"; there I have said it, and now I just want to crawl away, lick my wounds, and cry into my pillow.
It is twenty years now or almost and just once in a while it stops me in my tracks and screws me up and I feel that I am right back to the very beginning of my struggles to start all over again.
Do any of you relate to this? If so I would welcome your thoughts and shares. I feel so utterly useless right now so I am going to place myself in my HP's hands, the God of my understanding and ask Him to wrap me up in a feather down duvet, hold me close so I can feel His heartbeat and let his breath into my lungs to steady my irrate sobbing and then sleep enfolded in His loving arms, for those are the only arms I trust right now.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
(((((Suzannah))))) I can understand your pain and you have every right to feel the way you do. It is amazing how being lonely, tired and not feeling well can let all the demons from the past raise their ugly heads again. I am in a similiar struggle in the fact that I am angry and for the past couple days, I too have been angry that I am alone, angry that I have to do it alone while EXABF bounces back into his life like my son and I never existed. After several hard days of obsessing to the point of insanity, the only ESH that I can offer you is that I am right where I need to be, as painful as it is, it has to be part of a learning lesson that HP is helping me with-probally patience:). I realized just today that it is ok to not be going in a certain direction and it is ok to just be......just be me, just be here in this day, just feel the anger and let it go. I'm certain that clarity will come for you also, and you will find the peace you seek in your HP......remember there is NOTHING the two of you can't get through together. Sometimes we just have to trust HP that we need to be right where we are in this moment, even though it sucks....this too shall pass....... We love ya girl!!!! Keep coming back trying to kiss...... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Hi Suzannah I remember you as Heartbroken and was so pleased when you announced that you had changed your name because you had changed.
I have been so inspired by your thoughtful and inspiring messages as well as your deep conection to your Higher Power. Your clarity and compassion are spoken in such beautiful words.
I denied any anger with my husband for his drinking days. I thought I had moved on after he achieved soberity in AA and we rebuilt our shaky relationship. He remained sober in AA for 8 very good years and then passed away of cancer sober.
It was then that the LID DID POP OFF for me.
The rage I felt was unbelievable. Just as you recounted, I remembered all the terrible painful things that had happened during the drinking years and I screamed I hate you for all the pain I endured during the early days of our marriage and for leaving me alone with no security and a young son to raise.
I tried counciling and grief workshops and they did not work so as usual in those days the last place I looked for help was AL-Anon.
My wise sponser told me that this was NORMAL That I had denied theses feelings for so long that they would no longer be denied. She advised that I had to feel the feelings, verbalize them (just as you did)and finally when I was ready ask HP to lift the anger.
At this point I could not forgive but I could pray for the anger to be lifted and I did. Much to my surprise one morning I woke up and the rage had lifted. I poked at all the painful memories and although the memories were still there the rage and anger were gone.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are in the right place. I know you are close to HP so keep up your communication and be ever so gentle with yourself. You have endured many hardships.
Well Suz (((HUGS))) I am sorry that you are having such a hard time today, and I will keep you in my Prayers, that "This too will pass"... Some of the things that you speak of I can completely relate too. I know the feeling of loniness, I know how it feels to be so depressed that getting your breathe is just not an option... I have battle depression as well... I know that feeling, I have had one nervous breakdown at the tender age of 20, I turned to Booze then and now I have learned to bring it around without the alcohol... I never thought it would happen but I am slowly getting my life back, and you are one that I could thank for that, with all the ESH you have given me on my down days, and honey... I am here for you as well... I don't know what to say other then if you need to, PN me, you now have to go to "Jozie"... For I have kept my promise... I am now a New Women... So hold your head up chic, this too will pass and when it does, you will be stronger for going thru it, Your HP will walk you thru it one moment at a time... I also understand your anger, as to you handled it WAY better then I know I would have, I am glad that they sent you copies that was nice.. But you have to just be proud of your boy and let her & the XAH play games with them selves, you know who you are and I am sure your son loves you, so try not to sweat it... I know it isn't easiy but you keep focusing on getting yourself back to health, because I NEED you here.... And I am sure there are ALOT of others that feel the same... So keep coming back... Love and Hugs Jozie..... :)
I am so glad you posted as when I do the replies are what help me to really feel and then heal some old unhealed wounds that have surfaced.
No one who knows you or who really matters will ever believe that anyone but you are the mother of your son. The press is often wrong more than right - the press or the other can not take this away from you. It is good to feel it and go through it to the other side with anger than sadness. I am proud of you to stand up and roar I am his mother. Good for you!!
Recently when some things surfaced for me, I was made aware this time of not the pain or wounds but the related fears that I had never faced. Some were so easy to toss away and I was surprised to see some as these childish fears were from my youth. Some now help me understand why I can let fear run me in circles needlessly - I am working on that now. It was in the end freeing to let go of those I could. I am lighter of the darkness of fears yet filled with new hope as I face each pain, fear, anger etc. You are making such great progress and it is a process. Like rainbows after the storm, you will find your peaceful reward after facing this life storm too.
Lots of hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Yep I go thru that from time to time with the same control that you have learned. Let it pop, talk about it...vent, rage, tantrum and then put it back in the box up on the shelf. I think only a frontal lobotomy or massive electroshock can erase memory. Might be a bit overboard though I heard that one of the consequences is you sit around all day with a sweet sweet smile on your face and without the ability to have at lease one little problem.
The personality that comes back for me is Jerry with a "G" as in Godzilla. (emphasis on the God) That one escaped all visits to the "G" ward and jails and prisons. When he appears I nicely say "not now, I've got better things to do"and turn my back on the opportunity.
Yes it happened and all of it was real as I remember it and others have certified. Yes the landscape today is different because it happened and yes I am a better person and different person because of the Al-Anon Program and that also happened. I am no longer the "helpless" victim. I am no longer compelled to react to all of the insanity. It is over. Though it tries at times to resurface I get all the control and options as to what I do with it. Sometimes I look at my part in the past and ask myself does the "G"erry return and re-act out. Only superficially and I always apologize for it.
Another chance to "let it go". You will only hold on to it if you think there is value in it and then the outcome will always be painful. Another chance to "let it go". Your HP may have just dropped it off to see if you wanted to muck around in it for something good. The mother - son relationship might have been that good. Maybe...maybe not.
Have you read the Getting them Sober series. I would highly recommend it. I think when I read that Toby Rice Drew emphatically does not think that they are having a good time I believe it. Toby has a very very good understanding of the dynamics.
Of course you have a right to be angry. I no longer think that anyone is getting the best years of any spouse, boyfriend or anyone I've been out with. People with alcoholism don't recover unless they go to a program. I know that for certain. Even the people I've know who went into the program, like my ex husband I don't believe by any long shot that anyone around him is having an easy time of it. Life isn't a fairy tale. People with personality disorders and addictions don't just metamorphize and have a great life. They make put on a great great "show" but I doubt seriously they are enjoying things. If they are still an addict in any way shape or form that's not an enviable existence. I'm grateful daily that I am no longer stuck with one that's for certain! I look at no addict, no matter what their material circumstances and think they have it easier than I do. They don't as long as they insist on not recovering their life is destined to be terrible!
That said its terrible that you were put into the situation you were. There is no question you brought your children up alone. You can give that to yourself. Many many dysfunctional people do a lot to provoke others and lambast and isolate them. We can give you a medal here for all you went through with your son. We daily give you solace, understanding and love. I think that's worth a lot more than a ceremony. Personally I'm grateful I found my way here. I'm not that glad that I had to go through so much before I was willing to get here but I'm so happy being here and growing and knowing that I can get support.
I'm sad that you are so angry and so upset and sorry that people around you are so mean, nasty and vindictive. Nevertheless I know you to be kind, compassionate, loving and committed so obviously they have not suceeded in destroying you at all.
