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Went to my therapist yesterday who reminds me a little of Laura Schlessinger- sarcastic but straight shooting. Anyway, she mocked me a little but also told me straight that the A was a narcissitic addict that did not love his son and that if I told my child that he did love him I was lying. My child is 4 and a half and has really started wanting to see his dad- noting that he never does. Anyway, long story short the A called me Thursday which I ignored and then sent me a text while I was in my recovery meeting to ask to borrow my car the next day. Go figure- after I accused him of stealing money from me- he assumes I have forgotten. Ignored that text too. Anyway, on Friday we are at the mall and my child starts asking to see his dad-again saying he never gets to see him. This was all before my therapist visit. So I let him call him. The A answers the phone a little arrogantly thinking I am calling to talk to him. Instead I said my child wants to talk to you and handed the phone to my son. After they talked I told the A that he misses him, etc. Well, the A said bring him to mom's on Tuesday. I said okay and hung up. I had my therapist session yesterday and she really hits me hard that it is not good for my son to have a relationship with his dad and that I should not let him have contact and the less I talk about him the better- only referring to the A as sick. So I was torn today, but as usual the A never even called and his mom said she wasn't getting the kids- she was resting. I guess I should have let it go, but I couldn't and sent the A a text that said I just wanted to let you know that I can no longer set up my child to be hurt. He asked what I meant and I said my son was supposed to see him today and he never called and my child was excited and that it broke my heart for him. He didn't respond. Now I am thinking he thinks I am manipulating him because of my feelings of rejection from him and maybe trying to punish him. I am also examining my motives myself. I don't think I am trying to punish. I would love nothing more than my son to have a dad who loves him, but it has been pointed out to me that it is not something that he has and that I am only selling my son the fantasy I have of the A- which will ultimately only cause him heart ache. Believe it or not- after the last text- I still worried what the A thought and how he felt. Anyway, I would appreciate any feed back as I am struggling with this whole thing.
hello co , what kind of resentment is your son going to have if u keep him from seeing his dad ? Kids love thier parents and he will as he gets older begin to see that his dad is not reliable and will deal with it . hard lesson to learn I know . Kids will take dad anyway they can get him regardless of what is going on with the parents. no one has the right to tell u to keep your child away from his dad unless of course yu are worried for his safety. just my opinion Louise
Just giving my two cents;since when could someone else know what another person is feeling???? I never let feelings between me and my ex husband get in the way of trying to promote a relationship between my son and his father. A small child can't understand, nor should they be told the other parent doesn't love them; how do we know what someone else is thinking/feeling? I work with child welfare agencies and unless a child is not safe, promoting relationships between parents and their children is in the best interest of the child. If your A is unreliable with his visitation why mention it to your son? That way he won't be disappointed if daddy doesn't show up. In his eyes he is still daddy and kids don't know their parents in a bad light unless they are painted that way. I feel for you as this is the situation my ExABF was put in with his son's mother. The kids are innocent here. Think of promoting the love for your son has for his dad as something special you can do for him; the feelings between the adults really don't need to come between that. Like I said, just my 2 cents. Hope you find a solution.
Wow pretty difficult dilemma. I know I hung on the A being available when he wasn't for such a long long time.
I can't really comment on your therapist. I know that I take it really hard when my own therapist makes comments to me. Some of them I appreciate some I don't.
If your child doesn't see his father then you would have grief work to do with him. Does he have a therapist, can you get him one?
I won't follow up on what Abbyal and Mass have suggested and would just suggest the meetings and a sponsor and more involvement with MIP on the board and chat meetings. You're getting it from all sides including your paid for hire therapist and your child and yourself. Quite a load. I don't think I would ever suggest that under the conditions you have messed up. I'd rather tell you the truth...you are doing the best you can with what you have and you're not feeling that it's working good enough. This is where the program and a sponsor come in with the steps, slogans, traditions, so much literature and practice, practice, practice.
You are still a newbie. As long as I have something new and better to learn that will make my life more successful...I am a newbie.
Looks like a wide open mind without any assumption, expectations or judgments would help right now. Memories the slogans and go for an appropriate one when things start to go "TILT" for you (T)otally (I)nsane (L)loosing (T)ouch.
What's good is that with all the second guessing that you're reacting with you are remembering to come home here and talk with family. Thats good!!
Let it go for now. Take it all one day at a time. Keep coming back.
My therapist also told me she hates the word codependent. When I explained that I saw the A's mother as a mother figure for myself she said I was 33 years old and questioned why I needed a mother...like I said some of it I think I need. She says I have been living a fantasy, etc, and I need that tough talk. Some of the other I question. Guess I can look at it like the program and take what I like (or need) and leave the rest. Thanks for the support!
she said I was 33 years old and questioned why I needed a mother..
I consider my Mom the same I do as someone that has been in program way longer then I. She has knowledge I need. I still ask her life questions. I'm 54, I still need my Mom. Could I live without her? Sure, but I don't have to yet.
Unless your therapist considers your MIL harmful to you or something?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You will have to walk a tightrope in this pressure situation, but as your son gets older what you intended to be a loving act maybe perceived as an act of "you kept me from my father" resentment and rebellion could be the result when your son becomes older.
That is just a possibility, but if your son learns on his own that there is a problem with trust, and respect with his dad, then your son will own it and understand it.
To be sure, right now you will need to monitor your son's stress and ability to cope, and that may require the wisdom of Solomon, sometime we just have to trust ourselves to do the best we can in an impossible situation.
CoDe, I would agree with your therapist. I WOULD NOT enable your A to be a father. Not now, not ever. It is NOT your job to promote ANYTHING between your son and his father. His father is an adult who helped bring a child into this world and what he does with that responsibility is his decision.
Is he ever going to be the father your son needs? Doubt it. And your T is right on...he doesn't love his son. No, you do NOT tell your son that (but you knew that). You keep that painful truth to yourself and protect your son from the nut job who is his biological father. Your son is going to love his dad forever. It will be mixed with hate, anger, and abandoment. And it will hurt you right to your soul.
It is rideciolus to think that a parent who comes and goes should have a relationship with his child supported and or promoted. It is EMOTIONAL abuse and by supporting that, we are sending a message to a child that THAT is what love is. That the child is only good enough for that kind of love. Insted, the A should be removed from his son until, on his own, possibly with the help of a court ruling, he is ready enough to have supervised visits. Supervised visits that are say, one a week for say an hour and when the A shows up for every single one of those for awhile, then he can ask for more supervised visits. See, by making the A responsible for his seeing his son, you will actually be able to see and document what he does. Which I wouldbet 10 to 1 he wouldn't be consistant.
So, another option is to only answer questions your son asks of you. When it comes to the why does dad do this or that...you can simply say "I don't know." and leave it at that. You can listen to your child and anything he wants to share with you....you are the mom therefore you are strong enough to hear these things.
If you act as if he is gone forever and you never call him again no matter what, your life will become much more tolerable. As far as the MIL. I think I would rethink that connection also....but that's just me.
You're doing great CoDe it is very hard. I have gone no contact with my ex. He had supervisied and chose to not do them. The kids don't ask about him anymore, they will tell stories of when he was around. And I generally change the subject. I WILL NOT tell them that he loves them. He doesn't. Love doesn't abandon. I won't tell them that he doesn't love them either. and I do have a response prepared when I get hit with that question.
I find your therapist very harsh, however that is my own opinion formed from the post above.
Children find the way through the lies and the deceptions as they grow up. They are able to take the truth as long as it is delivered gently and sensitively with as little criticism as possible of the other parent. I agree that stating the truth, say like:
"Honey, I know you want to see Daddy and I can try fix that so that you can see him. Just remember that Daddy does not always realise how hurt you feel when he does not come to be with you as we have agreed and is not reliable. I feel sure if he realised how upset you were he would try harder not to let you down? However you have to keep this in you head each time we do this, he is unreliable."
I am sure you will find the right words, you know positive and encouraging for your son, but honest without seeming critical and bitter and angry.
I wonder if the therapist is something you should continue with if you are getting more negative vibes from her, and like Jerry come and share with this family more instead and go to your meetings with people who have experienced so much of what you are dealing with now.
And don't be too harsh with yourself, give yourself a break, you are dealing with a lot here.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
This post proves Alcoholism is a family disease. The whole family is affected. You cannot make that man be a father. But he is the one your son is stuck with. My children, now 10 and 9, know their daddy will lie, cheat and forget visitation. They know who buys the crayons, the clothes, and the toys. They know mom will be at every play, party, soccer game, or lunch she is asked about. They know Daddy may show up, but its unlikely. They know he will choose the current flavor of the year (girlfriend) over them. They learned it the hard way. I cried with them, I cried for them, but I figured out I was trying to change him into something using power I didnt have, and material that didn't exist. Like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands, doesn't accomplish much, and you look stupid trying it. Alanon gave the gift of acceptance for this situation. HP gives me the serenity to know its ok, and my kids will be too. Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
This is such a difficult subject. I go back and forth on my feelings about allowing my A contact with his son or my other children. Fortunately he has been in prison for the past many months and I haven't had to deal with it but he is to be released in a few weeks and I DREAD it.
The first thing he will ask for is to see his son. Regardless of whether he has a home, a job, a place to visit him, the ability to feed him while he is in his care, etc. etc. etc. To me, this is purely selfish. I think he has seen him once in the past year and a half. I don't allow him at my home and he doesn't usually have one of his own. The only concession I would make is to drop my son off with him at a safe place as he can't drive anymore.
I have a new man in my life now and my son likes him a lot and he's there for him, gets down on the floor and plays with him, helps him with his homework and that's just after a few weeks of attachment. His dad has been his dad for 7 years and can't manage that. So I feel guilty sometimes that I won't facilitate him seeing his dad but on the other hand, I feel that if he really wants to be a dad then he'll step up and find a place where he can have a child, he'll get himself straight so that he CAN see him.
My son asked me to find him a new dad a few months back. I thought that was sad. I want him to have his own opportunity to decide if he wants his dad in his life but I also want him to be safe and it's a hard call. I think at this point since I have no ill will against his father I can assume that my decisions are based on my son's best interest. I don't think having basic expectations to be met in order to see his son is really asking all that much. He wants everything RIGHT NOW and doesn't have the patience to get his own situation in order so that he can have the opportunity. It's usually back to oh poor me I better go get high...
