Loving someone that we don't really like~ - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Loving someone that we don't really like~

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shelly!!

I went thru a difficult learning curve in Al-Anon over your subject of love
and hate and then...didn't really like. Early on I was told that it wasn't
required that I like anything and that life didn't have to come out my way.
That acceptance 101 tossed my mind and attitude off the cliff.
Perception 101 taught me that my core values were to love and be loved
and that I had no choice on how I got that value (it was gifted to me)
the only choice was how I exercised it.   Perception 101 second chapter
helped me to look at myself and others with balance...the good and the
not so good and that helped me get better grades in Acceptance 101.
Okay now I arrived at a final which was mostly multiple choice. Is it the
people involved that I don't like or is it the behavior of the people that I
don't like?   If I took the behaviors that were causing me acceptance
problems out of the picture would I love themselves and myself more,
less or the same?   If loving another person unconditionally means with
all the good stuff and warts and all...just like the standard for love does,
(My HP) could I love and not like at the same time?   (Love the person not
like some behaviors).

This was a very important lesson for me. It is a daily practice. At the end
of the day I get regraded on my performance and perfection is not an
option.

Keep coming back.   This is always a great discussion subject.

(((((hugs))))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think this poem by Rick Beldon sums it all up for me.fused at the wound

is it love or is it addiction

why not both

she knows tears + I know anger

together we almost made a whole person for a while

fused at the wound.

but our little house of lies isn't big enough to hold us now

she won't stand up for herself + I can't stand up

for both of us at the same time anymore

so we ride the broken lover's seesaw of staying + leaving

one foot in + one foot out

we dance in the kitchen like unloved children + wait

for fulfillment of old pain's expectations.

so anxious to leave so anxious to be left

so anxious to be right so anxious to be hurt

so anxious to be disappointed

so anxious to be alone again.

when this whole thing started

I wanted us to be immersed in each other

I wanted us to fix each other

I thought that was what people were supposed to do

I don't want that anymore

I don't need that anymore

but I still don't know

how to love someone I don't want to fix.

missing out · Senior Member

((((Shelly))))

Got a Haa Haa only you could love... That is the relationship I have with 1/2 my family... I love them ALOT, but don't like them very much...lol...

I get what you are saying because I too have had those moments, I know that you will be fine in all this for the mear fact of...Look how far you have come..You are like me, you don't know how "Not" to Survive... Maybe that is one of my flaws... Maybe if I gave my sell a little more room to fail, I may be able to over come of the every day headaches in my life... But I don't know if I am there yet...

Your doing great... Keep up the good work, and remember...It works if ya work it Chic.... Or so I'm Told :+)...

Love ya
Missing

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

It took me a long time to realize I could still love my ex-husband as a human but not like the things he does. I choose to see it as something along the line of a mental illness. He does bad things but inside he's not really a bad person he just can't help himself... Well that helps me anyway. Now I rarely ever even think of him, my life is so much better than I ever imagined it could be!

java · Senior Member

This poem really summed it up for me on the topic loving someone that we don't really like. "Is it love or is it addiction?" I am in a relationship that started out as love, or maybe dare I say it: lust disquised as love, I'm not sure I even liked the person. Now isn't that something? Why be drawn to someone or something that you didn't even like? I think it is the old print on the forhead that says I am codependent and want to take care of you the A that drew us together at first. I fooled myself that I was being honest with him (and myself) about my program and that I had a problem being drawn to people with drinking problems. I tried to play it straight and say that only an A can call himself an A, but if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck and leaves duck feathers everywhere, then it's probably a duck. He chose to quit drinking on his own and hasn't picked up a drink since (to my knowledge) but didn't go to AA, said he didn't believe in it, was just a bunch of drunks that got together. I guess he got that part right! Now I have lost the love that I once had for him, if indeed it was love and there was never any 'like' involved so I still don't like him. I'm tired of the controling, manipulative dry drunk he has turned into and after my daughter asked him the other day where he would be if he hadn't married her mom and he said probably sitting in a chair drinking a beer. I knew then I hadn't changed anything and this road had reached it's end. In answer to the poem, you can't love someone you don't love and you can't fix them, so if there is no love and no 'like' left, where does that leave you? Where I'm at, time for me to move on....divorce.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.