The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After the scare with his health last week, his key worker said it may help him to come home for a bit, to 'normality', and I said the same to him as I said to my son that we would love to see him but that he had to go through a hospital detox and come home 'dry' and clean ( his self neglect is horrific when he's drinking and it's a battle to get him to clean himself and change his clothes) as we (his Dad & I) were not prepared to comprimise our recovery to 'look after' him drunk, and have to watch him go begging ( he lives on benefits and can't manage his money at all) the neighbours or anyone on the street for money to feed his addiction.
The alternative is we would be responsible for obtaining the meds from our doctor for a home detox as the hospital will not issue it to him without supervision.
I explained to my son, that if he wanted to come home he shouldn't put the burden of his detox on us and he took this on board, but he is beligerent today. His collapse and the fear it brought to him when he asked for help has passed...he is back in 'control'....Ha Ha.
Did I do the right thing? I don't know.... I feel it was right for me but I'm wracked with doubt.
We left it at that, then I got a phonecall from my daughter who has just separated from her husband.... to say she was bombarded with abusive calls all weekend, and he has now cancelled her mobile phone contract because it belongs to his (their) business. (more fool him because he can't contact her now (thank God), as she has bought a new mobile and won't be answering any land line calls... she now has the choice of contacting him if and when she needs to) Things are going to get nasty I feel but I can't project....tomorrows a mystery.
I've talked with her about protecting herself and setting boundaries.....thank you all for your E&S here, a bit of which I have shared with her which I hope will give her strength in the days ahead. Maybe I have been given this calmness because my HP knew what was coming and my load is being shared.
This separation is alcohol related, I don't know if he's an A but I would say he has an addictive personality....he's the son of A's and obviously carry's the damage from this and, I believe, the genetic disposition.
My son phoned me a little while ago and I lost it, blew it totally.......his conversation was all about him him him him him....so I told him about his sister's latest situation how we've been looking after her and our grandchild, the loveliest little neice that he has had no interaction with for the last 9 months (she's 2 on 14th April and my little angel, she's the one that is keeping me going), what his collapse and his begging for help then being beligirent about it has done to us, I sobbed and cried and said all the things I shouldn't have said...
You all advise f2f, and I have been working my way towards this, now is the time.... there is a meeting tomorrrow night, 30 miles away, tomorrow and I'll be there...my husband will drive me.
This is longer share than I anticipated.....if you've made it to the end, thank you for listening.
I am cheering you on- get to that meeting and keep going even if you are full of doubt and unsure-
You are doing the right thing. Don't let those kids triangulate you! Make them deal with each other directly w/o you being the monkey in the middle. Don't take on that role, either.
Both your son and your daughter have HP and you are working on getting out of the way so HP can take 'em on full force- both of them. You are on the right path, stick to it, I know it hurts and is hard but its the best thing to do and by taking care of yourself first, you are preparing yourself for the day when they, too, get full recovery. And its possible and its hopeful so keep doing your piece and keep your eye on the prize missy!
Now is the time !!! way to go . You don't have to go thru this alone once settled in Al-Anon u never have to g thru anything alone again . I think u made the right decission regarding your son it is time for him to become responsible for his own life . Hopefully your husb will go to the meeting with you , with you both on the same page things will change for the better . We have alot of men in our progam now so he won't be alone . A short drive to think about what u have heard at the meeting will be good , gives u time to reflect . Until we stop doing for the alcoholic what he should be doing for himself nothing will change . It only takes one person to create change . thinking of you tomorrow . Louise
Please be gentle with yourself. You are human and under a great deal of strain!! I am glad you are going to try a face to face meeting tomorow. Al-Anon always points us in the direction of progress not perfection. You are making a great deal of progress with your awarness and actions.
You were very wise not to agree to Home Detox. I did obtain the Home Detox drug (Librium) from my son's physician. My son dutifully took the drug and then went out and drank on top of that. It nearly killed him. The Dr than agreed that my son had to be hospitalized to detox. Your wisdom kept you from making my mistake
Good for you Ness and gratitude for your Hubby. Maybe he could take the seat next to you at the meeting to give you some moral support? There's a phamplet there titled...Al-Anon is for Men also. Of course I've got some first hand experience on that as do several other guys here. Just ask him.
So hard to deal with, after all he is your son. However, he has to take responsibility here, and you have to cut that umbilical cord and stop taking the lead and he has to grow up and do things for himself, as I see it. Whilst you do all the time, HE is not taking the responsibility and then he can use the scape-goat tactic.
He has to decide, he has to take responsibility, he has to DO and I would NOT be willing to go through the detox at home, for the very same reasons that hotrod expressed.
And I have to agree with Jerry too. Unity, and support is vitally important if it is possible, and I would try to impress upon your Hubby that point. The consultants and my A's Psychiatrist told me that my chances of 'going it alone' made it less likely of a positive outcome, for my family and my A's family cut me loose and I had no support.
So I urge you, get your Hubby on board too if you can.
With love, Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Husband is as supportive as he can be ....he is happy to let me share with him some of the ESH I'm finding here and I can see that some of the the work I'm doing on myself is also helping him, it stopped him driving 200 miles to bring our son home last week and I'm proud of him for that. It was a joint decision reached with the help of you wise guys here.
He has witnessed the good work of AA and how it helped our son when he attended and he is fully supportive of the work of Alanon but I can't see him going to a meeting yet, but I won't say never....
I'm so disappointed with my 'relapse' yesterday and know it was my daughter's situation that triggered it....I should have logged on and let rip here instead!! I have written to my son today and apologised for screaming at him. He has a lot of AA in him and I explained that I comprimised my own road to recovery yesterday by telling him I would assist his detox, that he had the ability to get himself to hospital and do it himself. That if he truly wanted to come home to see us all he would find the way.
there are meetings here that are great. They are on East Coast time. My experience with an active a is that generally is the focus for them 'him him him' The irony is of course that they really don't care for themselves so the focus is desperately for someone else to take over. And of course we can't.
I know we all fall off the bandwaggon. I certainly have my meltdowns, less lately but I have them.
