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It has been a long time since I posted here, but I do visit the message board because it is so insightful and other peoples stories and the feedback helps me to process my own situation.
A bit of history here... my husband has been sober since end of June 2006. We have been married coming up on 14 years and together 17 years. Husband has always drank since I met him, though it escalated in about 2004. We had a good marriage for a long time, he was very loving adoring, my best friend and vice versa.
I became ill for a few years starting in 2002 - 2005 and we were rarely able to be intimate do to my illness. He was in a high profile powerful job, traveled a lot...had a one night stand in Feb 2004, then started a two year affair with a woman he was working with which ended very badly (she dumped him for his boss) in Jan. 2006. During this time his drinking escalated due to the guilt of what he was doing and he near had a nervous breakdown when she dumped him, but also a lot of prayers were answered and I was able to do an intervention and get him into rehab, as he was literally killing himself and ending up in hospital with alcohol withdrawal etc.
Since he came out of rehab, he has recognized and admitted all the major mistakes he made, we've had a lot of talks, counseling, he regurarly attends AA. I became healthy again, have stayed athletic, attractive, have my own business, thought we could rebuild things including intimacy, but he absolutely had no interest.
Anyhow, his famous line over the last two years has been I don't know what I want and I don't want to work on things. I've tried to just focus on me and let him focus during that time on his recovery however, I had so many triggers because there was no affair recovery things just weren't getting better. He said he couldn't live with always being questioned on his whereabouts and it's not that he was doing anything wrong, it's just when you've been pulled through the ringer you want some accountability. There was accountability but it was begrudgingly.
He just wasn't willing to work on the relationship and said he just didn't have those romantic feelings, he was numbed out across the board and wanted to be alone. He doesn't know empathy very well, it just wasn't working and so with the help of our counselor we came to decide upon a Healing or Controlled separation which has guidelines in place that include, when we communicate, how we communicate, phone, text etc. when we see each other, no dating, etc. This started in Oct 08 and has been extended to April 09.
Every other week we have a counseling session to touch base talk about where we are and what we are feeling. The counselor says he's logjamming things. He still doesn't want to work on taking some steps to rebuild relationship. He has had moments of deep emotion where he has shared that he feels that if he lets me go he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. He says I'm the sweetest person he knows and will probably ever know and that I'm extremely attractive but that he's just numb and doesn't feel things towards me and is afraid he can't get it back. He says he's emotionally detached not just from me, but life in general and just goes to work and AA. Mostly he says he just wants to be able to come and go as he pleases with no one to answer to. He likes being on his own and being able to do that.
We have an excellent counselor very pro-marriage and brings up so many excellent points and is very helpful insightful and one of the things she did say to him is that when you start to work on things the feelings do begin to come back and especially because we had them before. She also pointed out that if he doens't address his issues and the issues in our relationship now he will just drag the baggage into the next relationship because there is so much unresolved stuff here. He just seems stuck and fearful and I'm wondering is this Dry drunk recovering alcoholic stuff or mid-life crisis or both????
His words in the last session were that he was so emotionally detached that he felt like it might be the beginning of the end for us and that finances were a big thing in slowing him down from divorce (ouch). There is so much at stake here emotionally, spirituallly and financially. I can see all the benefit of what our HP can do to restore our relationship and help what has been so broken. Husband had very strong beliefs when I met him with regard to that but he is running from all of it.
Thoughts input here would be so much appreciated and apologies for the long dissertation here.
Only your husband knows what this is , and from the sounds of it he isn't sure either , for me the question would be do I want to live with a man who just isn't interested in making his life better ? Recently our son divorced not his idea his wife just decided that she didn't want to be married any longer , i told him she did him a favor in the long run , living with someone who cannot decide to be happy or a part of your life is a terrible place to be , u keep trying to please when the problem really isn't yours to begin with . Love cannot survive with out justice . in other words if you cant get back what your willing to give it will die . We have choices we can stay put and accept whats offered or leave and get your life back. I'ts one of those You'l know things we hear about in program when the time is right u will make the decission that is right for you , and u will know with out a doubt that it's ok to stay or it's time to leave . good luck Louise
Lots of good replies here. I remember once when I was involved in a relationship before my husband. It wasn't going very well. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. It was just there. I kept hoping it would change or that I could change to please him or make things better, etc. Nothing was working. I couldn't stand it and yet at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to end the relationship. A friend finally posed this question: Are you lonlier with him than without him? That was the moment! He was in my life, but I was lonlier with him than without him. I ended the relationship. I wanted my life back. I realized I was just going through the motions with him rather than having a relationship with him. The question for me, how long was I willing to hang on to something that wasn't heathy for me?
His recovery is his recovery. His issues are his issues. It doesn't matter how we classify it as "dry drunk" or whatever. It is what it is. Life on life terms. All you can do is turn him over to his HP. Answers come when are most ready to recive them. I hope you find yours soon. Meanwhile, please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Take care of all those sweet animals. They will see you through anything.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can give you my ESH. When I was 7 years in a relationship with an active A (he never sought recovery on any level) I used to always be thinking what was at stake, our home, our pets, our "relationship". Over time there was nothing left (he and I destroyed it together on many levels) I still held onto thinking there was something at stake. Even when it was all over and I left him I still held onto the notion there was a lot at stake.
I know for me when I worked the program I got to a place of knowing what was there for me and what wasn't. No one can tell you when that is. Of course there are always going to be people on the stay/leave continuum.
Obviously you have made lots of resources for yourself. How do you feel? How is your program, how are you doing in other areas of your life. I don't know about you but I made the A m entire life. That will never happen again for me, that will not be the way a relationship goes for me. When I date which isn't often (I'm very busy) if a man indicates he wants a lot I let go. I am never going to make someone my entire existence again.
There are schools of thought of setting a date and if your marriage isn't better by a certain time then take futher action. I do believe in trying personally (as a codependent I'd try till I was lost in trying) I do think its worth making a plan be as well. Do you have one. You can always use them. I know making a plan be for me took me out of anxiety and into practicality and I didn't act on the plan for a long long long time.
Thank you for the post. I think every person's situation and story is different. Everyone has a differentl level of what they are willing to tolerate and when they have had enough.
Husband is really not a part of my life at this point and realistically kind of checked out even before we were separated, however everytime I pray to my HP to lead me in what I'm supposed to do, my answer is let him go to me (meaning HP) and trust for HP to work things out. I know HP has a lot of work to do in me, teaching me how to be content and happy and independent without husband and just trust HP. I think and perhaps I could be wrong that it's not quiet the end of the story for us.
You see there were so many good parts to our story for many years, and and I truly believe HP brought us together, that's a story in itself and I don't think HP makes mistakes. Do I believe we were meant to be..absolutely. Does husband have free will to make other choices absolutely, so all I can do is take it one day at a time and trust.
Divorce is like a death, it does leave a wake of destruction behind, but I also undestand for some they are already in something so dead or so destructive that it is time to let it go.
Maybe at some point it will become obvious it's time for me to let it go but at this point I feel I'm not supposed to give up yet. There have been times including recently where I have just really wanted to give up, it feels so sad and hopeless, especially because he's sooo emotionally detached and though he's physically an extremely good looking guy on the inside what I see is an empty vessel, but I know HP can change that so for now my internal message is wait.
moment! He was in my life, but I was lonlier with him than without him. I ended the relationship. I wanted my life back. I realized I was just going through the motions with him rather than having a relationship with him. The question for me, how long was I willing to hang on to something that wasn't heathy for me? 
<--the cat