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Hi I just want to give an overview of my situation. My husband is an alcoholic (who of course, doesn't have a drinking problem) and is also a victim of cancer. Last February, he had a kidney removed because of cancer. We are just now finding out one year later that the cancer may be back again. He drinks all the time and is mean to both me and my fourteen year old daughter. Even though I know I've done nothing wrong, he's finally worn me down after fifteen years and broken my spirit. I've begun to think that the horrible things he says to me are true. My daughter doesn't want to be around him anymore because of the horrible things he's said to her. My dilemma is that he still has cancer, can't manage on his own because we have only one car, he isn't educated enough to understand completely what the doctor's tell him, and morally I know I should leave, but I can't because he isn't well. He has an attitude that he doesn't care anymore. He isn't affectionate at all and we haven't been intimate since October. This doesn't seem to bother him, but it's killing me. I know I should just leave, but morally I can't leave a man I promised to be there for, who may be dying.
he only ever had his mother and brother and both are deceased from cancer and alcohol/drug abuse. he does have cousins, but each with their own set of problems. esentially my daughter and I are all he has, too bad he doesn't realize that.
when I took vows fifteen years ago I promised to be here for him. I have a hard time turning away from that,and at the same time telling myself that when he's gone, my life will begin again. I just hope I make it out intact. Is that bad?
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I can identify with most of your situation. After a while, we do start to believe the awful things they say about us. We start to question our own instincts and judgement.
As Jean said, you are in a tough spot.
My suggestion to you is to take care of YOU and your daughter. RUN, don't walk, to a face to face Al-Anon meeting and get your daughter to Alateen. You took a great first step coming here. You'll find a lot of support here on this message board and in the chat room. If you can't locate any face to face meetings in your area, there are online meetings in the chatroom twice a day.
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Yeah, I had a hard time turning away from those vows also but I did.
I did because if I did not, I would be dead, plain and simple. Spiritually, I already was. Next, it would be physical.
I know this is really hard to get ones brain around but he does have his own Higher Power watching out for him. So do you. Somehow, BOTH of you are going to be OK together or apart.
The thing you need to do is think about how long YOU can survive and stay alive in this situation. How terminal is this situation to YOU? I mean, I know we are all terminal here on earth but seriously, take a look at this.
Always think about what they tell you in the airplanes. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others. Its a life rule I now live by. Jean
Id love to come into a meeting room but cant get the chat board up on my computer. I get a black box with a red x in the corner. How do i fix that one?
I can empathize with the tough situation you are in. I have found myself in a similar situation. Although my AH of over 22 years does not have cancer, he suffered a stroke last year and needed care. He also became aggressive and my 16 y.o son and I were at the end of our ropes.
I found it very hard to put myself first. The things that helped a lot were:
Setting boundaries - I became very clear that if he was aggressive/mean to my son or I we were going to leave. He tested this a couple of times and he was asked to leave and once the police were called Taking care of me by going to meetings and working my program
I guess where I landed was that since he had two major diseases (alcoholism and stroke), I would try to stick by him as long as my son and I were safe and could live life without any form of abuse (physical or verbal). Detaching with love has also helped me not to be so nasty to myAH and things have definitely calmed down a lot.
Bottom line for me was that I wanted to be kind and caring unconditionally to both of us.
Oh, Wondering... my heart goes out to you. You are not bad and your feelings are not bad -- you and they are normal!!! Your husband has 2 diseases... cancer and alcoholism. You have power over neither of these! My alcoholic husband had lymphoma... but just the other day he was sick -- had a bad stomach virus.... boy did he get mad at me and yell at me for not helping him and told me how good I was at taking care of myself... blah, blah, blah... I had to deal with my guilt feelings then in response to his accusations. Arrrgh. I went to a face to face meeting today. It helped. One person shared about -- actually a couple people had this experience -- a mother that had been diagnosed with lung cancer and not wanting to go home to help and knowing she would ask and .... anyway, it is not bad to take care of yourself. We give what we can if we want to (my counselor has been telling me that). It doesn't make us bad if we don't want to. You are a good person! db55
Yesterday 2/7 was bad also. we had gone out for awhile, picked up my daugher's boyfriend, and came home. He wasn't here, he'd gone to drink somewhere with a friend who picked him up. He got home and went crazy about something that happened with her in school this week, that I already knew about because I work there, and that she'd already been punished for. He just kept at it and said awful things like he didn't care about her, he wished he could die, etc. And people wonder why I don't drink.
Well leaving or not leaving the tools of al anon can certanly help you You don't have to be stuck in the beat yourself up brigade. If you can look atl learning some of the tools like detachment and caring for yourself that will go a long long way whether or not you get the chance to go or not.
I do empathize that you have a child and it is hard hard going. There is no one here who hasn't had a really hard road of it. The thing is now you have this group to come to and we will be with you all the way, whether you leave or not.
At first I felt guilty leaving my A and he liked to throw the vows at me too. He had a drug/alcohol problem but no other serious health issues. I can see how that would add to that pulling of the heart strings. I saw alcoholism as a disease just the same as cancer or diabetes or any other medical condition. I wondered if I would tolerate the same behavior from him if it were some other disease like cancer. Finally I decided I wouldn't tolerate the behavior no matter what.
That's exactly as i see it Carolinagirl. Alcoholism is a disease just like cancer is. That's my dilemma. We don't leave someone with cancer and just walk away. We just learned on 2/11 that the cancer is back and it's in his bones. He's afraid now that he hasn't much time left and i am too. I just hope this is enough to get him to make it count now.
