The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been 2 weeks since he walked out and Im still very upset. After everything he has done to me Im stll upset he has gone. I should be dancing on the clouds. I lay in bed last night and I cried myself to sleep. I miss the company I hate being alone at night and I know that isnt the right reason to have him back. So I guess my question is when does it get easier, when will i be able to go through a friday and saturday night and not cry for him. Everywhere I look in the house I see him its getting to a point where I hate my house. I just dont want to be here anymore. All his stuff is here which doesnt make it easier either. He should have a new flat soon and his stuff will go in time but the memories wont. I dont know what to do with myself anymore.
You're not alone and never will be again as you entered the Family Groups though I know what you mean and what you are going thru. When the alcoholic I was addicted to was also gone I also went thru the withdrawals that you are going thru. Withdrawals is only one way of describing the conditions. When does it end? The experiences that will be shared with you will be numerous and for me it ended when I listened to and practiced the suggestions given to me from people with more experience in recovery gave me in this program. I am still learning. The first suggestion and promise I got came from the end of meeting literature in a face to face meeting. "...if you keep and open mind you will find help." an other was "We will love you until you learn to love yourself". When I learned to love myself I didn't "need" another "special" person to do the job. But that was farther along the journery. Let me simply say that When has already started because you have found this family and come home.
In time you will experience miracles and we will enjoy them with you.
mum, I know this feeling also and Jerry has given you some of the best words a person could share with another. I have also spent so much time alone and without a partner in my household and in the beginning it was very difficult although I was the one who left.
One option is to move to a different place, if you think its possible. I highly recommend it. My therapist has shared with me that I need to build my own nest and my own home and when its all completed and ready and I feel prepared, I can invite someone into it. You could set to work on building your own world in all manner of things and ways. When we get busy, we get better.
Also, take up something that you love to do- knitting, making something. When my father passed away I made bread for months and gave it away and that was so therapeutic for me to make and give away 100's of loaves of bread- again, when we get busy, we get better.
Exercise- work out your tears and your stress through running or some kind of athletic activity. I cannot tell you how many times I would go running and the tears would just be continuous but at the end of those runs, I felt purged for at least a good day and the endorphins also helped so much! And I looked better and better the more I did it!!
When my sober AH moved out of our house, I stayed. I realized that I needed to re-take the space and get rid of all those ghosts of the drunken past. So, I did what I could given the state of our finances:
(1) I packed up all the rest of his stuff and put it in the garage. (2) I bought a can of paint and painted a couple of the accent walls to give the room a different feel (3) As best I could, I fixed the holes in the walls so that I could stop thinking about what had happened everytime I saw them (4) I rearranges some of the furniture
It took awhile, but eventually I started to think of this house as my house and I got rid of most of the ghosts. I am glad that I did becuase I have had a feeling that they would have followed me if I had moved without facing them down.
It's interesting because my AH will be moving back in after 3 years and he is not entirely comfortable here because the ghosts are still here for him. But, he will have to work through those himself.
As for the weekends, I know the feeling. Looking back, it's amazing to me that right after my AH moved out I missed him so much, but what was I missing? Someone who didn't want to be with me (or couldn't be). Someone who was not "happy, joyous and free" in his recovery. Someone who did not (or was not yet capable) of enjoying anything around him. I realize now that I was missing what I was used to--even the bad or unfulfilling stuff. It was my normal. So, I had to stay in the moment and ride out those feelings to get to a new normal. It is worth it!! Hang in there. Go to face2face meetings--for over a year, I went to a meeting on Friday and Monday nights to "bookend" my weekends. It will get better. Just remember to breathe...
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
