The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't often get the chance to post here much anymore but I felt the urging to share this with my old friends here. Praying that each of you are seeking a way to be Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of the chaos surrounding us!
We all have lessons to learn, we all must walk our own path - I am in NO WAY giving advice in this post - just sharing my e, s, & h -
Letting others know things I wish I had known.
I am a fairly intelligent woman, very hard worker and have fought thru many obstacles to achieve 23 yrs on a job, and to maintain some sort of decent credit rating - while raising or helping raise 5 daughter and living with active addiction/alcoholism.
Now, I have found the courage, strength and wisdom to walk away from a 16 plus yr marriage to a man that suffers from the disease of alcoholism/addiction (who although he has tried many times has been unsuccessful in maintaining his sobriety).
Of course, He is very hurt, upset and angry about this decision. He has that right to those feelings. And as we all know
"Hurting People Hurt People"
But the sad part about it is that sometimes the Laws in our Country help them hurt us.
Because of his inability to hold a job due to his active use, he has no retirement - therefore, he will be taking half of mine.
Because of his inability to have a drivers' license (DUI's, etc.) he has no vehicle - therefore, he is eligible for half the value of mine.
Because he refused to leave the home and I did - he gets the house. Doesn't matter I had to leave for my own sanity, serenity and mental safety.
Because he works for cash (under the table) he has no record of income, therefore it appears he may need "spousal support".
So after spending almost 17 yrs supporting this person, finanicially, emotionally and physically - it appears the appreciation and thanks that I will get from that will be - Let's have some more of your money.
This is what the disease does to them - this is how it is and how the legal system aids them in their endeavors.
No matter if I lose every penny that I have - I am still so very grateful to be OUT of the marriage and that even I have to live in a box on the side of the road - I pray daily that never, ever have to go back to that world!!
The reason I post this - for those of you who are still reading this (I know it's kinda long) is for the ones that stay in the unhealthiness - for those who stay thinking that someday things may change -
Yes, I do believe that a person can change. I do believe that sobriety and sanity can be achieved and relationships/marriages saved.
BUT I also believe in protecting ourselves. The longer you stay in the marriage - the more you are leaving yourself open to these same circumstances. There are options. I am NOT an attorney - but there are plenty of places to go to seek legal counsel. Please do not be so blind as I to believe that your A will be grateful for all you have done for him/her over the years that they would never do this type of thing to you.
As with any active A - there isn't a line that they won't cross - right?
I have always said "The best thing about my life is that it's a perfect example of what NOT to do"
Be prepared, my friends - please protect yourself, your children, your financial well-being.
HUGS to you and yours, and remember - even tho I may be broken - Me & My God are going to be ok - even better than OK, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
(((((Rita))))) I am so glad you decided to share your ESH with us here today. I never imagined a situation like yours, and was blessed to be left with minimal debt when EXAH and I divorced. I carried his credit history for many years, but am now blessed to be a single mom that can hold her own......A's debts now follow around his new wife Thank you so much for your share.....everyone should be aware of the possibilites..........
keeping it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you for sharing your e,s& h with your situation. I am in a situation where I married a dry alcoholic who is not in a program and is living off me and my mom. We live with my mom. I see financial ruin if I don't do something to seperate myself from this guy soon. He is sapping all the money from our accounts and I am trying to have the strength to stand up to him with a divorce decree, the only way to get him out of the house. Our laws in Missouri state that this is his place of residence, and even though he is doing nothing that is traceable, like your husband everything is not traceable, but barter trade in cash. This is not even going to paying our bills but he has a place that he has that his son lives on that he could move to, that he is paying bills on there, or the son is. He has a 2006 pickup that takes the rest of the money and we see none of it. I am tired of living this way and pray that I have the strength to put an end to this relationship before I end up where you are. I will pray for you and your situation. Love and hugs,
Thanks for sharing your ESH. The law is an Ass, unfortunately. It is ridiculous to share assets without looking at a persons contribution to the relationship, whether financial or not.
My AH has caused us to be close to the brink of Financial Ruin on many occasions but every one has been an opportunity for my HP to show me how much he cares for me.
I will pray for you to be showered with Blessings going forward and the good news is that they are now all for you.
It is ironic that the fear of losing my material goods has probably kept me here but as a result I will probably lose more if I should leave!
You are going thru what for me was "Practice Time!!" for the program and all suggestions I could receive from others with the same experiences.
You post sounded like "preliminary" language and "other spouse's attorney language." If it is and you are not talking about decree and settlement judgement there is much to learn which for me I called the refusal to just lay down and be rolled over. There was lots of time for me to step back and look at the picture from a wider perspective and take as much time as I could possibly to direct my process in fairness. Thank God for this program and all the help and ESH I had around me and for my sponsors and my HP. My self confidence soared and when the end came I took what I needed and left the rest. Some of it didn't go my way and gave me a chance to decide if I wanted to keep working at getting "better justice" however I listened and learned that sometimes the help I have can better lead me to acceptance than I can do on my own. When I quit...it was ALL over and I didn't have a plastic bag of garbage dragging around behind me. If you've never been thru a divorce before get around those who have and ask them what they learned in the process. All the people involved are human and they don't have anymore power than you give them usually just like the alcoholic. Take the process one day at a time just like the program. Use the slogans and your sponsor and focus on yourself so that you work toward saving your own butt while he and the others are trying to whack off a piece of it when they can.
I think I will have another talk with that guy I look at in the mirror every morning when I shave. He looks exactly like me but our opinions are never the same. I think everyone has to decide when enough is enough. I work the program but the guy in the mirror does not, that's why we have different opinions.
I think for now I will continue to win the debate with the guy in the mirror, but he keeps telling me life is short, and I keep hearing that over and over in my head.
